So the other day I checked out a book at the library called "the love dare." You read a short chapter each day (about 3 pages) and at the end of the chapter it gives you a "dare" or something to work at in relation with showing your spouse unconditional love. It also has a space in the book to journal your thoughts and feelings but since it's a library book, I don't think they would appreciate me writing my thoughts and feelings in the book and I really don't want everyone who checks out the book to be distracted by my opinions :). So I'll go ahead and journal my thoughts here.
The dare for the chapter "Love is not rude" was to "Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only." Luckily for me, my husband is willing to read books with me so we work on these dares together. After reading the chapter, we sat together and discussed the things that bother us. I was happy to unload the things that bother me lol... but it was a little bit harder to listen to the things that get under his skin. In this chapter the author states that you may not realize how unpleasant you can be to live with... the questions they use to test yourself were difficult for me... particularly the first one. Before I tell you that question.. the others were "How does your behavior affect your mate's sense of worth?" and "Would your husband or wife say you're a blessing, or that you're condescending and embarassing?" I honestly feel that Neil and I would both agree that the other person is a blessing to have in our lives, which gives me a lot of hope in our marriage. Sometimes I feel like we're doomed for failure when we argue so much, but we really do have a lot of good things in our relationship that make us strong. I don't think we're too far gone...we both want our love to last and are willing to work at it. It just takes A LOT of work. It's important for us to remember how much that other person IS a blessing in our lives, and it will help us to love and respect them much more. The question that I felt like I failed was "How does your spouse feel about the way you speak and act around them?" I can't answer for Neil obviously... and when I asked him about the three things that bother him this one didn't come up. But he really only gave me 2, even though he gave me 3 because I feel like a couple of them went together. I'll get to that later... but Neil has told me in the past that it bothers him when I call him names. And in my anger, I blame him and tell him he provoked me to it but a mature person shouldn't do such things. In the past when I have felt irritated I have called him an "asshole," a "jack-ass," a "smart-ass," etc. Apparently I like to call him an ass. I don't know why I do that. I guess at the time I just really want to hurt him and that's how I do it... but wanting to hurt someone is the opposite of what love is. It doesn't matter if they've hurt you or upset you... So personally, that's the one I'm going to work on the hardest.
Now the three things that he said I could work on were:
1. to have a better attitude towards his personal requests, not an attitude of "defiance."
2. procrastinating on requests.
3. keeping personal belongings in their designated place.
I feel like 1 and 2 go together. So that's why I added the fourth one that I talked about beforehand. I feel like I handled this conversation pretty well because most of it we had talked about before, and since I knew the subject matter before we started talking about it, I was more prepared to swallow the big pill. I think that in this scenario I was more open to listening to what he had to say and not so much just trying to get past the conversation so that we could move on and not pay it any mind in practice. The things he listed were a little hard to take in because my excuse is that those things are just part of my personality. I leave my glasses in the bathroom because I don't care if they sit there all day... out of sight out of mind. I'm rebellious. You tell me to do something and I'm going to do the opposite just to piss you off. But that's not love. Love stretches out of its own comfort to accommodate the needs of others. And even if I don't understand the reason why Neil wants my jewelry in one spot or my glasses in their case and not on the bathroom sink, it will only benefit our relationship to put them away. It's just hard to remember sometimes. I just hope he forgives me when I forget to keep up with it... and I know he'll be reading this eventually... a gentle reminder would be okay.
Lord, please help me to demonstrate love to my husband on a daily basis, even when it's doing something that is not natural for me. I pray that you give me reminders on how I can keep up with those things and that you give me opportunities to demonstrate self control with my tongue.
Amen.
PS I have a graduate school interview tomorrow for clinical adult at siue :) Pray that it goes well!
