Stupid

I don't know what to do. Right now, I really hate my life. I guess I'm just ungrateful. But I wish things were different.

I can't forgive my husband. He said he was sorry. But right now, I hate him.

It wasn't even that big of an offense. But I can't take feeling hurt with grace. I hate being embarrassed. I hate being laughed at. It has happened too often in my life... and I can't stand the one person who is supposed to love me more than anyone else in the world being the person to cause me so much pain.

If I think with my mind instead of my heart, I know that I'm overreacting. But I can't help how I feel. I wish I could change. I wish I could just let it go. I wish I could "have thicker skin," like he wants me to have. But I can't. I'm sensitive. Years of being hurt and let down has made me this way. I've been trying to change, but it feels impossible. Why is it my responsibility to change anyway? How come he can't change and just be a nice person toward me?

Why is it that at this point, I know I should turn to God for help, but I don't want to? I want to wallow in my agony. Why do I do that? My counselor asked me that question. Why do I nurse my anger? I had to have learned that as a coping mechanism somewhere... but I really have no idea where.

Right now, I feel worthless. I feel unwanted. I feel stupid. I feel left out. I feel sad. I feel like there's no point to living anymore.

It was all over something stupid.

But to me... it wasn't stupid.

Can You Hold Me Together?

Today, I feel like a mess. It's so hard to say a prayer when you feel this way.

Sometimes, I just feel hopeless...
God, I need you today. Please hold me together.

Hello Mercy,
I have been searching for you lately
I've been wounded and from what I hear
You have the remedy

They told me You would be for me
So now I need to know
Is this a love that can save me
Or say You will then don't
Will You stay with me when nobody is around
If this is real, then tell now

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart
Falling apart

Saying so long, been lost, been gone
Not sure what to pray
It's not easy but I know You see me
When I lose my way

I keep on floating not knowing
If there is more for me
Don't want to sink beneath waves of negativity
I'm going under,
I'm afraid that I might drown
If this is real,
I need you now

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
'Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart, yeah
Falling apart
Oh, Lord

I'm feeling stronger
With you by my side
And I realize You are my hope
I need to know

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
'Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart,
Falling apart, yeah
Hold me together Lord

Without You,
I'm falling apart
Falling apart

Autobiography

Yesterday, I sat in front of my lap top and wrote one of the most depressing papers of my life. The assignment was to write about how my personality developed, important events in my life that shaped my personality and why I feel like social work is the right fit for me. It took me a long time to get started on it, but I wrote an outline a few days ago and started putting the pieces together yesterday. Low an behold, I had written 7 pages within a couple hours. The assignment was a 5-7 page assignment. Once I started writing, it all just came out. It was quite a therapeutic paper, to say the least... bringing up old pains and hurts that I had locked up and tried to forget about a long time ago. But it had a happy ending. God has delivered me from that hurt... He has TRANSFORMED my life. I am a new person. I can't believe he was able to work as many miracles as he has for my life... but that's what He is all about. It's all about his glory. Here is my first draft, if you're interested:

Brandy in Environment
I am a first year social work graduate student at Southern Illinois University-Edwardsville (SIUE). I have learned within only my first few weeks of study that I came to be the person I am by interactions with various systems in my environment. The purpose of writing this paper is to share with you briefly a piece of who I am, those systems which helped to shape my personality, and why I feel social work is the right fit for me.

My Family and Childhood
I was born into a family with limited resources. My mother was on her third marriage (my father) and I was her fourth child. My three older half brothers lived with their fathers; one of them I knew and the other two I didn’t because they lived a couple hours away. Early on, neither of my parents had a car or a driver’s license. My mother did not graduate from high school and college was never even considered. When I was still young, about 3-5 years of age, my father worked in food service as a line cook for a locally owned restaurant. He had not attended college but he did receive his GED while he was incarcerated for drunk driving. My father had a long history of alcoholism and drug abuse and my mother had a long history of manipulating other people (mainly men) to get what she wanted in life- be it a place to stay, food, money to pay her bills, or a ride to another city.

Needless to say, I grew up in a very dysfunctional and unstable environment. My mother would get angry with my father because he stayed out all night drinking. Sometimes, she would decide pack up her bags, take my hand, and hitch a ride out of town to stay with her sister or a shelter for abused women and children. I really hated this because I loved my father and I didn’t want to be separated from him so often. Things became even more complicated when my mother began to cheat on my father with another man. A year later, she became pregnant with who she thought was this other man’s baby (my younger half brother, Sam). My family actually found out ten years after Sam was born that he was not even this man’s son; she had slept with two other men while she was married to my father.

Sam was born when I was seven years old. I do not recall very many happy memories with my mother after the age of six. Before my brother was born, I felt as though my mother was looking out for me and she wanted the best for me. After Sam was born, and as I was growing up, she lost her patience with me very often; she screamed at me and threw things. She frequently overlooked my needs. She had taken my father to court for child support, which I felt was outlandish because he always did his best to provide for me even though he did not live with us. The judge ordered him to pay mandatory child support. This took money out of his miniscule paycheck and sent it to my mother, who used the money very poorly. I remember one occasion where I had informed my mother that my underwear was old and literally falling apart and I asked her take me shopping for new underwear. She agreed until the check came. It was gone by the time I had come home from school that day. She had spent it on cigarettes, ordering a pizza and renting my younger brother a video game. Later, she has told me that she “didn’t mean to [treat me with less love], but that she knew my dad was always going to be around for me,” and “Sam was [less fortunate] because he didn’t have a dad.” What she did not realize is that by her actions, I lost a mother. There were no feelings of attachment or trust toward her because I had felt betrayed too many times (Santrock, 2011, p. 20). It always bothered me that my mother made so many excuses and she never took responsibility for her behavior.

The one thing she was right about was that my Dad was always going to be around. Even though she would run away from him because of his drinking or drug behavior, he would track us down and come visit me. His visits were always pleasant and I never doubted his love for me. He encouraged me to do well all through school because he did not want me to “end up like” him. He felt like an education would lead me to a better life than what he had, and I wanted to make him proud.

As far as my family dynamics, my parents’ marriage was never really a marriage and not a good example, to say the least. They attempted to work things out time and time again, but they would separate each time. They did not divorce until I was eighteen, but it did not come as a shock to me when they did. I was used to them not being together for the majority of my life; the divorce was just a finalization process. According to the McMaster Model of family functioning, our family system had no functional units, hierarchy, rules, roles, or routines. It was a complete mess. My mother was a neglectful parent (Santrock, 2011, p. 157) and my father had his own problems and could not reach his potential parenting level. In studying the McMaster Model, I would argue that my mother showed some “Narcissitic involvement” in my life because she was only interested in me if it benefited her in some way.

My Faith
I lived with my mother, so unfortunately, I was only able to visit my father once a week. By this time, he had quit drinking but the pain of my mother’s affairs kept my parents apart. Eventually, my father turned to harder drugs to take away his pain. I sought out positive interactions at school and with my friends… school was the most normal part of my life. A friend from my school invited me to church and I loved going every Sunday. Church played a huge part in my social and emotional development. I have to disagree with Appleby when he says that “Western religious and philosophical thought is the ideological basis of all forms of oppression in the United States” (Appleby, p. 26). In my experience, my relationship with God freed me from oppression. At school, I felt out of place because I did not have nice clothes to wear or the latest and greatest school supplies. I was fortunate that my mother was able to afford school supplies at all… and I’m pretty sure they came from charity. God accepted me for who I was. Church was more like home to me than my actual home. It was there that I learned about God’s love for me and the forgiveness he offered to everyone… and that he expects us to offer forgiveness to each other. God brought joy to my life, I learned morals and how to behave. I began to develop a sense of humor rather than dread regarding the things going on around me. Even though I was resentful toward my mother, I tried to love, honor, and forgive her. “Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you once were” (Shook & Shook, 2009, p. 48). God comforted me in times of distress growing up. In the midst of my pain I learned that with God, nothing is impossible. I grew wise beyond my years and I lived according to this principle: “And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28, NIV) Through this I knew that God could take my hurt and grow me into a stronger person, because He had a purpose for my life that was far beyond what I could ever imagine. Now, I am starting to imagine that purpose as being an example of His love to others in unfavorable circumstances. I want to make it clear, that even though my faith is an integral part of my life, I would never force my ideas onto others. I am very open about what I believe, but I am not out to save people, rather I wish to serve them. “To accept others means that we stop trying to change them and start trying to understand them” (Shook & Shook, 2009, p. 53).

The turning point in my faith, which erased any doubt I had of God’s existence, was when He answered my prayer. I was only eleven years old. I remember getting down on my knees beside my bed one evening, holding a teddy bear that my father had given me, and crying my heart out to God in prayer for my father’s salvation. I prayed to God that my father would come to know of His unending love, that he would turn away from drugs, and that the Lord would provide him with a “good job” because at this time, he was working in a bar kitchen. It was a short amount of time after this that I remember making my father a goody-bag of gifts for Father’s Day. When he came to visit, I sang to him “You are my sunshine,” and gave him a bag which had a ribbon inside it that said “#1 Dad,” a figurine of a guardian angel, and a handmade card which told him “Happy Father’s Day, I Love You, Daddy.” Two weeks after, he came to visit me and told me that he would like to speak to the pastor of my church. I learned that he had “hit rock bottom,” he was unhappy with his life, and he wanted to make a change. He told me and the pastor that the night before his visit with me he had prayed to God to get him out of the mess he was in… and that he was holding on to the angel figurine I had given Him… asking God if Jesus was powerful enough to transform his life. After speaking with my pastor, my father turned his life over to God and went into a month long rehabilitation program. Shortly after exiting the program, he attained employment at the University of Illinois in Springfield, working as a sous chef in the kitchen, where he stayed for ten years. A social worker may think that in this way, I had an influence on my father’s life… but I like to say that God used me in my father’s life to do His work. There is no way I could take the credit and not give God the glory for that answered prayer.

My Education
In elementary and high school, I was an average student. My father tried to motivate me to do well from a distance, but it was not enough for me to go above and beyond. At the time, I just wanted to get by and pass each grade so that I would not be embarrassed if I failed. I was not able to participate in any other school activities because they required money or time. I wanted to play saxophone in the school band, but my family did not have the money to rent or buy the musical instrument; I wanted to be a cheerleader, but my family did not have the money for the school uniform or cheer camp; I wanted to take dance lessons, but my family could not afford dance lessons; I wanted to be on yearbook staff, but my mother made me babysit my little brother after school because she was forced to work part time to keep state aid and food stamps. Unfortunately, I was unable to participate or excel in many of the things that interested me. Church was free, so I was a part of the youth group. It was the only activity outside of the classroom that I was able to be a part of.

Many of my church friends wanted to attend Lincoln Christian College, a private Christian school after high school graduation. So, I jumped on the bandwagon and went there too. I was able to go because of federal aid, student loans, and a scholarship that was awarded to me by the school due to my unfortunate financial circumstances. I only went for one semester; I performed horribly in my classes; and I moved back to my hometown to enroll in the community college. I chose to take out student loans to pay for an apartment off campus because I refused to live with my mother again. She told me that when I graduated high school, she was going to make me pay rent if I stayed with her. I figured if I was going to have to pay rent anyway, I would live in a space where I would be happy. I knew my mother had no good intentions for wanting me to pay rent; she just wanted to make a profit. It was amazing how much better off I was living on my own. I had the freedom to spend my money how I wanted, within reason and being responsible...and I will not lie to you, I was not always responsible. This required me to learn some lessons the hard way, but God was forgiving and provided a way for me to get back on track.

I really enjoyed the community college I attended. I was learning how to function on my own, working part time as a server, paying bills, and attending classes. It was difficult at first, but I learned how to manage all of the tasks and got better at it. There were many useful resources at the college, including a career center, a math center, and the librarians were really helpful. I started setting goals and working toward them and my self-esteem went higher and higher.

I graduated with my Associate Degree in 2008. It took me longer than normal because I changed my major a couple times, but when I finally decided on Psychology, it went quickly. I transferred to Southern Illinois University-Edwardsville in the fall of 2008, as a junior because I had the two year degree. Almost all of my classes were psychology classes, so I found them very interesting and it was not hard to excel. I was finally able to be involved with academic and social organizations because I was on my own and could decide how to spend my time and money. I completed my Bachelor Degree in fall of 2010 and was accepted into the MSW program at SIUE in the fall of 2011, which brings me to the present.

Conclusion

Now you know all my deep, dark, secrets and my agonizing history. The field of social work is so important to me, because it was through these social organizations: Church, School, Drug Rehabilitation Centers, and Public Aid, that God was able to bless me with all that I needed to survive and eventually thrive. I want to have the skills to do that for others… especially children. My heart goes out to children because they do not have a choice. Children are in the situations they are in because of their parents' decisions-not their own. I believe that if social workers can reach out to children in their earlier development that these children might have a chance for a better life. They will learn to grow from their past, not let it dictate their future.  

Get Out of the Boat

Today was a good day.

This evening, I attended a "Ladies' Night Out" event at my church. Oh yes, it's ladies night... and the feeling's right.. oh what a night! LOL. Anyway..

God is so great. He knows just what I need. The evening started with dinner and socializing... which made me somewhat uncomfortable since I didn't know very many of the women at my table. But go figure, the woman to my left is a social worker, so we had a lot to chat about since I'm working on my Master's in Social Work as of this past Monday :)Like I said, God is so great.

After dinner, we had a mini-worship service. My favorite thing ever is to worship God in song. I don't know why, really. I feel like He reveals so much to me through music. When I have doubts about who He is, and I choose to listen to the strumming of an acoustic guitar in a worship song... I'm reminded of His great love for me and how this simple, yet elegant sound is enjoyed by so many people.. and it wouldn't make sense if there was no God. Everything has a purpose; and to me, the purpose of music is to bring glory to our Father in Heaven and also to bring us joy. Why would we need joy if there was no God? He provided avenues of joy in our lives because He LOVES US. :) Oh, how he loves us! (That's one of my favorites)

Tonight the music touched me.. but the words God spoke to my heart touched me even more. He uses people. I know it's true. We had a lady pastor from another church come speak for our event tonight. She had a southern accent even though she's lived in fairview heights for 20 years. I'm glad she hasn't lost it, it's really cute and a little comforting :).

To preface, I found her words very ironic in that she used the story of Jesus walking on water, and Peter walking on water.. you know for a split second, and the rest of the disciples in the boat. The reason why this is ironic to me is that my husband and I went to a Jamaican church service on our honeymoon, and the pastor used the same story in his teaching. Maybe you'll catch the irony when I'm done with this post...

So she set up the scene, in a different way than I recall hearing it in the past. She referred to the "walking on water experience" as a pop-quiz for the disciples. They had, just moments before getting on the boat, witnessed Jesus feed a multitude of people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. This has always been hard for me to wrap my head around... since in my family 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish wouldn't go very far. But I guess that's why you call it a miracle :)

So anyway, the disciples witnessed this miracle right? So what was the point? What was he trying to teach them? .... Maybe that HE CAN DO ALL THINGS... Maybe that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD...Maybe that HE CAN BE TRUSTED... yeah

So, Jesus tells the disciples to get in the boat and they go out into the middle of the water while Jesus goes up to the mountain to pray. It says in the bible that the boat was "buffeted" by the waves. This means that the boat was being "strik[ed] against repeatedly"- dictionary.com. So it was kind of violent in the water and the disciples were afraid.

Relating that to our own lives: We're in the midst of something, and sometimes things are really difficult when you're in the middle of it, still trying to work your way through it. We witness God doing wonderful things in our lives, and we still get scared. We have fear that something is going to go wrong.

For me, I was thinking about my marriage. When Neil and I first got together, it seemed like "smooth sailing." Things were just happy all the time. But now that we've been married a little while, it's gotten bumpy. Our marriage boat is being buffeted by the waves of life.. our own pride and insecurities. And it makes me scared. Sometimes I feel like God can't, or won't, save us from this threatening storm in our marriage...whatever it may be.

So Jesus walks out on to the water. (Just like that.. he walks on the water) And the disciples are in doubt. Even though they've seen him perform all sorts of miracles, they think there's a ghost on the water because there's no way Jesus could do that.

And I'm like that too. I question if it's Jesus, when he's on his way to help me.

Jesus invited Peter out into the water, to walk with him on the water. I can imagine all the other disciples snickering thinking, "Yeah right.." but they didn't have the courage... or trust to get out of the boat themselves. Peter stepped onto the water.. and he was walking on it. Jesus was with him, he was safe. But the waves started crashing against his feet, and he got a little scared... and he lost his faith...and fell in.

Jesus, of course, pulled him out and said to him, "Why did you doubt me? I was here with you all along... "

I do this all the time. I doubt my marriage. I doubt that God is going to pull us through it. It seems impossible. We argue so much.. we disagree on almost everything... and I don't wanna do it God's way. I wanna do it my way, because obviously, I know more than God. [That's sarcasm by the way.]

And the ironic thing to me is that on my honeymoon, I heard this story... and I never would have guessed it would apply so much during my marriage :)

God's way is the only way to do things right. It's scary when we're struggling and it's scary when we have to give up our will to God's and trust that He's going to make it work. But HE ALWAYS DOES. He is FAITHFUL. I just have to trust Him, I have to get out of the boat and experience life, doing things I thought were impossible with Jesus by my side.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWDpbZmI-ug

He's Not That Bad...

When writing this blog, I do a lot of venting. Some of you may read the words I say when things between Neil and I are at their worst and get worried. Don't worry. My husband is a blessing from God and I love him to death. I know he loves me too. We just get into a lot of crap, like everyone else does. Anyway, today I talked to him about how I felt like he has "gotten used to me," and how I don't feel as appreciated as I did when we were first dating. This is a normal feeling since we're past the dating stage, but it's still good to keep romance alive even after you've been married for a long time. That way, when you have problems, you can remember the good things easier because they are recent.

After telling Neil how I felt, he did the sweetest thing. I was at my friend's house today in Springfield. He called me and told me that he "made me something" that he wanted to give to me when I got back. It was a card :) And it was really cute.

On the front of the card, he drew a door... and it says "If you're a special lady, come on inside..."

He wrote a poem inside. :)

I asked God to put a good woman in my life
To Him I truly pleaded
Instead of just giving me what I wanted
He gave me exactly what I needed.

"Brandy," He said. "She's the one I shall join to you.
You might not always see eye-to-eye, but with MY help
there is nothing your marriage can't do."

So I trust that the Lord knows what He's doing,
and wrote this poem for a woman in dire need of woo-ing.

I guess he's not that bad... and he's always telling me that my blog is lopsided on my perspective. I tend to only write when I'm frustrated with him or angry. But, just to show you all who read that my husband really is a good guy, I thought today I'd write a good blog about him.

Love you Neil.

Negative Comments...

Sometimes it's really hard to feel love toward my husband when I feel negativity coming my direction. Maybe I'm the one who needs to change and let things go more. However, I feel like my ideas aren't valued. It is often the case where I come up with an idea about something or other and Neil disagrees with me and I feel like I have to fight with him and defend my idea before he finally "allows" it, as if I need a person in my life who "allows" my ideas. I do often feel like I'm being controlled. It's to the point now where I can anticipate an argument if I bring up something that might initiate a change in what we've already been doing or anything for that matter. For example, we've been keeping our broom and dustpan in the kitchen since we've been living together. The reason why we did that at our apartment was because there was no where else to put it. Now, in our house we have a laundry room that is connected to the kitchen. I thought it would be a good idea to keep the broom back there because it's not often that I see a broom as a staple kitchen decoration. Since we have the space we should use it. So I asked Neil, "What do you think about putting the broom in the laundry room instead of the kitchen?" His reply,
"No, I don't like that idea. I like it to be in the kitchen because I use it so much and can have immediate access to it."
My thoughts are ... so??? you can't walk an extra 4 feet to grab it out of the laundry room? I don't understand why that is such a big deal. You might agree with me that this argument is petty, but it's the little stuff like this that goes on daily in our marriage which causes me to feel unloved at times. It would be nice for me to offer up an idea or solution to something and be told that my idea was a good one... or even just hear, "oh yeah, that's fine with me." rather than feeling like I always have to have an argument ready to defend my point. It would be nice to be told that I did a good job when I offered help or was asked to help with something, it's more often that I hear criticism and am told how I could do better next time or what I did wrong. I think Paul was on to something when he wrote,
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29

Then again, maybe by posting this blog, I have fallen into the same problem as my husband. Oh the irony.

Time

I learned from Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages that my love language is quality time. Today has been a long day...

I was off from work, Neil was at work. It's company week. He told me that he would be out with his coworkers for a little while after work today. And I was fine with that... well a little.

I decided today, that since I had hours to myself, from the time I woke up at 10am until this evening, that I would be lazy and enjoy myself.. choosing to do whatever activities I wanted to do at the time... which consisted of eating junk food (which Neil hates to see), watching That 70s Show (which Neil also hates to watch) and practicing my guitar (which is difficult to do with an audience). I spent a lot of time today doing these things. I also lounged around on facebook and looked up information on different dogs on the internet as I'm trying to sway my husband into letting us adopt a pet.

Neil called me after work and reminded me that he would be home later tonight. (Normally he would be home at 6.30) I asked him if he knew what time I would see him. I have felt that we haven't been as physical as I'd like to be so I wanted to do something like that tonight... and he told me 9pm. I was a little disappointed in this, but I reluctantly obliged and said ok, see you at 9. So for the next few hours, I played more guitar, sat outside on the porch, watched more tv, ate more junk food, played wheel of fortune on the computer... etc.

9.45 rolls around, and I haven't heard anything from Neil. I would have thought he would have called to let me know he was on his way home. I missed him so much because I hadn't seen him all day. Now granted, I know I'm a little co-dependent. I'm working on this. But God was definitely testing my patience and growth in that area today. I felt like I had accomplished so much by doing the things I liked to do on my own and not being to worried about Neil. So, at 9.45 I called him. He answered the phone in a cheery voice and I heard a lot of noise in the background. He was still at the party with his company. And I was hurt by this. I know I shouldn't have been, but I was. Like I said, my love language is quality time and I feel like we haven't been as close lately, so I wanted some time with him.

I started out the conversation calm and asked him what was up and when he would be home. And then I got a little nuts and jealous ... not only of his time but of the fact that he was out doing the very thing with his coworkers that I wish he would be willing to do with me. I felt hurt, alone and left out. I started crying. And then I felt guilty for crying because I just ruined his fun. Misery loves company I guess.

He says, "brandy, it's okay, I'll come home now."
I said, "no don't, I don't want you to come home..." What am I? Do I have Multiple Personality Disorder? Here I am, getting the one thing I wanted, but then I didn't want it anymore. Like I said, this was the guilt for ruining his night.

We get off the phone and at this point I'm sobbing.

Ten minutes later he calls me back to tell me he is on his way home. And I'm still dissatisfied. I feel like there is no way to fix this mess. I wanted some sort of communication... to let me know he was going to be gone longer than he was. And it was too late. I didn't get it and I made his night as bad as mine.

I guess I'm really clingy. He only goes out with his company twice a year. But I'm jealous. I wanted a little bit of time with him today... just a little. And his coworkers got 98% of it. I feel like I would've been happy if they only got 85% of it even... and in that I'm growing. Because in the past, I would've wanted more.

Sigh.