What has church become?

I offered to help volunteer for our church's youth group. If you recall earlier in one of my posts, I explained the application process and how I was worried I might not be able to help. After that, I had spoken with the youth minister and he told me things would work out and everything would be fine. So... I attended the youth group for two weeks in a row and sat in on a small group as well. I didn't go last week because the "milk chug" did not sound appealing to me. Imagine it, and you probably wouldn't like it either. So this week, I show up with my Bible in hand and as I walk up to the kiosks where they keep track of attendance (I don't get the purpose of having all the kids sign into the computer for that either by the way) a woman whom I have never met, or at least don't remember meeting, stops me dead in my tracks and says, "You! Wait over here with me for a minute." So I stand next to her, silently, as all the kids pile in and she directs the traffic. I'm so confused at this point. The thoughts going through my head are: Am I supposed to be helping her with something? Does she think I'm a student? I'm totally unaware. So after about three minutes of standing in bewilderment, I ask her "So... if you don't mind, could you tell me why I'm standing here?"
"(Youth Minister's Name) asked me to talk to you. We understand that you've been sitting in on one of the girl's small groups and you're not supposed to be doing that since you live with your boyfriend."

Double whammy. Talk about a slap in the face. I'm under the impression that even though my FIANCE (side note: fiance, not boyfriend... he's going to be my husband in two months. I felt like that downplayed our relationship quite a bit) and I live together, and I had explained to almost the whole church staff that we are not having sex and we're trying live inside God's guidelines, that the youth minister still felt I could volunteer and they could use me in the youth group. This is what was conveyed to me, anyway.

So I'm taken into a separate room and it is explained to me that I am not fit to be a student leader because of my lifestyle. To that I responded, (paraphrase) it's not like I was going to be wearing my living arrangements on my sleeve. After much discussion I'm told (in so many words) that the staff would treat an alcoholic leader the same way. This statement of course brings me to tears. I can't believe that is what I'm being compared to! My situation is completely different! Don't people know that there are plenty of couples that don't live together but they still have sex and/or spend the night with each other? Even though Neil and I live together, we don't have sex. We pray together, we read scripture together, we are growing together as a couple and with God at the center. Isn't that the point? This whole situation left a bad taste in my mouth and I began to question whether or not I even wanted to go back to church. I'm not fit to be a leader because I'm honest about my weaknesses and am still trying to do right... but who knows what could be going on in other people's lives? Has anyone ever heard of a church leader living a double lifestyle.. saying one thing and doing another? I know I have. You never know what a person is doing unless they are honest and open with you.

I was told that after Neil and I are married, I'm welcome to join on the youth group as a leader. Does that make any sense? If they feel as though my character is right for this role, what difference does a couple of months make? This is all legalities. The worst part in my head is that these girls that I got to know are going to wonder what happened to me...and then I'll be back in two months. So I asked, what do I do in the meantime. And I guess they're going to work on something for me.

However, This whole experience has left me feeling so upset and hurt. Honestly, I know that Neil and I living together might not have been the best decision at the time, but that decision has already been made. We are only two and a half months away from our wedding day. If Christ is willing to show a little grace, compassion and understanding, how come church is not? I understand that we should not budge on our core values.. but I also know that God doesn't see everything black and white. Every situation is different, there are shades of gray. It just becomes hard for church because "if we let one person slide, we have set a precedent." I just don't know what to think about any of this. I'm trying to figure out what God has to say about it all.

When it rains, it pours...

Today was overall a little dreary and sad. I really wasn't in the mood to go to classes... and honestly I don't feel like I learned much while I was there. After class, I came home and checked the mail. We got some more RSVPs for the wedding, so I thought that was cool :). But I didn't understand why one couple declined to attend even though they live in the same town as our wedding. I know I shouldn't be offended because I don't know what is going on with them that night... but my feelings were slightly hurt. They got a save the date months ago and it's not like they'd have to travel far. But then I thought about it some more and realized I'm not all that close to them anyway.. I was just hoping they'd come celebrate with us. After that, I checked my email to receive a message from my Aunt explaining to me that she, my grandmother and my other aunt on my dad's side aren't going to come to my bridal shower because my grandmother is attending her "annual school reunion," she already purchased the tickets for all three of them before because she didn't want to go by herself, and it's the day of the shower. I was a little baffled by that. I was really counting on at least my grandmother and aunt to show up, and neither are going to come. It really depresses me... I feel like I'm the back burner person sometimes. It's like people can take me or leave me... it's all whatever is convenient for them. I know I need to count my blessings, but it's hard when I feel like the people I really thought would be there for me, won't be. God says I'm special and that I matter in His eyes; I'm trying to grasp that in my sadness of this situation. I feel like the enemy is trying to make me feel not good enough... but God doesn't want me to believe that. And this cycle of depression gets worse for me because when a couple things happen that hurt my feelings in one day, for some reason I always go back throughout my entire life and remember things from years ago that have hurt me, and it convinces me that I'm not good enough and that I don't deserve anything that I've been given by God. Deep down, I know that's not true. It's just hard sometimes. I'm glad to say that at least no matter what happens in my relationships with my family, people who I thought were friends, or anyone else I come into contact with... that I will always have Neil. He sees something in me for some reason. He makes me feel like I'm important. That man is a true blessing in my life.... and geez I really need to remember that sometimes.

Zumba

I've been making it my mission to commit to zumba and keeping it as my workout routine. I was so excited about going today, and I even convinced Neil to go with me! If you do it right, man or woman, you really get a good work out... it has everything cardio and toning and it's an absolute blast. Neil felt awkward because he was the only guy. It's hard the first time anyone goes because you really have to pay attention to the moves and keep trying until you get it. But if you don't try and you just stand in the middle of the room, you draw more attention to yourself. What draws even more attention? Leaving only 15 minutes into the class. He didn't even give it a fair shot. He danced for one song. Didn't get the next song's moves easily. Gave up on the third song and then left the room. How could anyone enjoy working out after that? And he wonders why I'm upset with him. I just honestly thought if he would have tried it, even though it's not easy, he would have enjoyed it after a while. Wow.... was I wrong.