Limbo is an awful place to be...
I have a lot riding on whether or not I'm accepted into a graduate program. I'm a little bummed that I still haven't heard anything. I called the school and they said that I should know on or around April 15. That's a week from now, and I already feel like I've waited long enough. Here is why I'm dying to know:
I want to register for classes.
I want to know if it's worth all the sweat to try to get an assistantship... it would feel like a waste to do all that work and find out it was for nothing.
I need to know if my student loans are going to be deferred because Neil and I are planning on taking out a mortgage...
I want to know if I should start looking for a full time job with my Bachelor's degree.
I want to know if I should start preparing for being a college student again.
I need to be able to plan the rest of my life!!!
How come they can't just tell me already? :(
Friday, April 8, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Marriage is hard.
I'm parked outside my apartment, furiously playing wheel of fortune...and I'm super pissed. Just yesterday, I asked my husband if I could borrow his student ID so that I might have the opportunity to go work out at siue's gym. Yeah, it's against the rules... but it's not like he's getting any use out of his student activity fees. I didn't go today... it was all snowy and gross outside. I only left the house to go to the store to buy ingredients for tomato soup... my husband's request. After dinner, I offered to watch a movie with my husband that he had chosen... one he knows that I dislike but he thinks if I watch it with him... I'll like it better or something. I offered to watch this show with him to make him happy. Before we get to the show, he asked me if I had gone to work out. Which is silly, because he knew the answer since I told him that I hadn't left the house but to go to the store. So that pissed me off in itself. He asked me if I was planning on going to work out tomorrow morning between us visiting with our realtor to make an offer on our house and me driving to springfield to spend time with my grandmother. Excuse me? No. That does not sound appealing whatsoever. If anything, being a more relational being, if I'm not coming back home to take a nap after our early endeavor with the realtor, then I'd more likely head to springfield and visit my grandma for the whole day. So I told him, "no, that's not really what I want to do." Of course, that escalated into an argument... which before it did, I had a sense that it was going to and calmly asked Neil to drop the subject... "let's go watch a movie instead." He WOULDN'T LET IT GO. "No.. I want to talk with you." He said. BAD MOVE. What the eff is his problem anyway? He doesn't work out and he thinks he has the right to tell me to exercise?!!!! What does he want from me? He makes me feel like I'm fat... or that if I gain weight he's going to have a huge problem with it. What a vain jerk. It was my idea to go work out in the first place... not even 24 hours pass and he's expecting that I should have hit the gym already. I'll do it when I damnwell please. I have no where to go... and I don't want to sleep in the same room as him. So I'm out in my car trying to figure out what to do. Marriage is hard.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true
The past couple years sure have been a time of growth and improvement in my life. I got married; I graduated from college with my 2nd degree; I've inherited a wonderful family; I'm going to church regularly.... things are just getting better. I'm still at a midpoint in that I'm waiting patiently to hear from graduate programs on my pending acceptance but life just keeps going on and improving! I feel like I'm moving on up in the world... so to speak. :) I'm 25 years old and married to a wonderful hard-working man who is wise in more ways than one. And praise God for his keen financial intellect and discipline, because we were pre-approved for a mortgage! We're getting a house! This makes me so happy because never in my life have I been in a home that wasn't rented. The plan is to have the house chosen, the contract made up and hopefully ready to move in by the end of June... when our current lease on our apt is up.
I've spent a lot of time in the past couple days looking at houses. It was fun at first, but I'm already tired of it. We have a lot to figure out. Our budget is $100-$125 with a few zeroes and we're looking for some pretty specific things. The top of Neil's must have list: 2 car garage; 2 bathrooms; 3 bedrooms. The top of my list: 3 bedrooms; large kitchen/dining room; absolutely NO WOODEN PANELING. Ick.
It's tough to find exactly what you want for the price you plan to pay... and I wonder if we find a house listed for more than our budget how far down we might be willing to negotiate. It will be a learning experience for sure.
Thinking about having this house with my husband and raising our future children in it is pretty darn exciting. It has given Neil and I a lot of positive conversation material... and even though we disagree on some things and necessities, I really do think it will be a positive experience if we keep God involved. Still working on that whole not being irritable thing... it's hard. Relationships are work. But it's definitely the fun things that make it all worth it :) I can't imagine house shopping with anyone else!
Heavenly Father,
Thanks for all the blessings you have poured out in my life. Help me to count them when it's easy to overlook them.
Amen.
"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high...
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby...
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue...
and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true...."
I've spent a lot of time in the past couple days looking at houses. It was fun at first, but I'm already tired of it. We have a lot to figure out. Our budget is $100-$125 with a few zeroes and we're looking for some pretty specific things. The top of Neil's must have list: 2 car garage; 2 bathrooms; 3 bedrooms. The top of my list: 3 bedrooms; large kitchen/dining room; absolutely NO WOODEN PANELING. Ick.
It's tough to find exactly what you want for the price you plan to pay... and I wonder if we find a house listed for more than our budget how far down we might be willing to negotiate. It will be a learning experience for sure.
Thinking about having this house with my husband and raising our future children in it is pretty darn exciting. It has given Neil and I a lot of positive conversation material... and even though we disagree on some things and necessities, I really do think it will be a positive experience if we keep God involved. Still working on that whole not being irritable thing... it's hard. Relationships are work. But it's definitely the fun things that make it all worth it :) I can't imagine house shopping with anyone else!
Heavenly Father,
Thanks for all the blessings you have poured out in my life. Help me to count them when it's easy to overlook them.
Amen.
"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high...
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby...
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue...
and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true...."
Sunday, February 20, 2011
The Love Dare: Love is not rude.
So the other day I checked out a book at the library called "the love dare." You read a short chapter each day (about 3 pages) and at the end of the chapter it gives you a "dare" or something to work at in relation with showing your spouse unconditional love. It also has a space in the book to journal your thoughts and feelings but since it's a library book, I don't think they would appreciate me writing my thoughts and feelings in the book and I really don't want everyone who checks out the book to be distracted by my opinions :). So I'll go ahead and journal my thoughts here.
The dare for the chapter "Love is not rude" was to "Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only." Luckily for me, my husband is willing to read books with me so we work on these dares together. After reading the chapter, we sat together and discussed the things that bother us. I was happy to unload the things that bother me lol... but it was a little bit harder to listen to the things that get under his skin. In this chapter the author states that you may not realize how unpleasant you can be to live with... the questions they use to test yourself were difficult for me... particularly the first one. Before I tell you that question.. the others were "How does your behavior affect your mate's sense of worth?" and "Would your husband or wife say you're a blessing, or that you're condescending and embarassing?" I honestly feel that Neil and I would both agree that the other person is a blessing to have in our lives, which gives me a lot of hope in our marriage. Sometimes I feel like we're doomed for failure when we argue so much, but we really do have a lot of good things in our relationship that make us strong. I don't think we're too far gone...we both want our love to last and are willing to work at it. It just takes A LOT of work. It's important for us to remember how much that other person IS a blessing in our lives, and it will help us to love and respect them much more. The question that I felt like I failed was "How does your spouse feel about the way you speak and act around them?" I can't answer for Neil obviously... and when I asked him about the three things that bother him this one didn't come up. But he really only gave me 2, even though he gave me 3 because I feel like a couple of them went together. I'll get to that later... but Neil has told me in the past that it bothers him when I call him names. And in my anger, I blame him and tell him he provoked me to it but a mature person shouldn't do such things. In the past when I have felt irritated I have called him an "asshole," a "jack-ass," a "smart-ass," etc. Apparently I like to call him an ass. I don't know why I do that. I guess at the time I just really want to hurt him and that's how I do it... but wanting to hurt someone is the opposite of what love is. It doesn't matter if they've hurt you or upset you... So personally, that's the one I'm going to work on the hardest.
Now the three things that he said I could work on were:
1. to have a better attitude towards his personal requests, not an attitude of "defiance."
2. procrastinating on requests.
3. keeping personal belongings in their designated place.
I feel like 1 and 2 go together. So that's why I added the fourth one that I talked about beforehand. I feel like I handled this conversation pretty well because most of it we had talked about before, and since I knew the subject matter before we started talking about it, I was more prepared to swallow the big pill. I think that in this scenario I was more open to listening to what he had to say and not so much just trying to get past the conversation so that we could move on and not pay it any mind in practice. The things he listed were a little hard to take in because my excuse is that those things are just part of my personality. I leave my glasses in the bathroom because I don't care if they sit there all day... out of sight out of mind. I'm rebellious. You tell me to do something and I'm going to do the opposite just to piss you off. But that's not love. Love stretches out of its own comfort to accommodate the needs of others. And even if I don't understand the reason why Neil wants my jewelry in one spot or my glasses in their case and not on the bathroom sink, it will only benefit our relationship to put them away. It's just hard to remember sometimes. I just hope he forgives me when I forget to keep up with it... and I know he'll be reading this eventually... a gentle reminder would be okay.
Lord, please help me to demonstrate love to my husband on a daily basis, even when it's doing something that is not natural for me. I pray that you give me reminders on how I can keep up with those things and that you give me opportunities to demonstrate self control with my tongue.
Amen.
PS I have a graduate school interview tomorrow for clinical adult at siue :) Pray that it goes well!
The dare for the chapter "Love is not rude" was to "Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only." Luckily for me, my husband is willing to read books with me so we work on these dares together. After reading the chapter, we sat together and discussed the things that bother us. I was happy to unload the things that bother me lol... but it was a little bit harder to listen to the things that get under his skin. In this chapter the author states that you may not realize how unpleasant you can be to live with... the questions they use to test yourself were difficult for me... particularly the first one. Before I tell you that question.. the others were "How does your behavior affect your mate's sense of worth?" and "Would your husband or wife say you're a blessing, or that you're condescending and embarassing?" I honestly feel that Neil and I would both agree that the other person is a blessing to have in our lives, which gives me a lot of hope in our marriage. Sometimes I feel like we're doomed for failure when we argue so much, but we really do have a lot of good things in our relationship that make us strong. I don't think we're too far gone...we both want our love to last and are willing to work at it. It just takes A LOT of work. It's important for us to remember how much that other person IS a blessing in our lives, and it will help us to love and respect them much more. The question that I felt like I failed was "How does your spouse feel about the way you speak and act around them?" I can't answer for Neil obviously... and when I asked him about the three things that bother him this one didn't come up. But he really only gave me 2, even though he gave me 3 because I feel like a couple of them went together. I'll get to that later... but Neil has told me in the past that it bothers him when I call him names. And in my anger, I blame him and tell him he provoked me to it but a mature person shouldn't do such things. In the past when I have felt irritated I have called him an "asshole," a "jack-ass," a "smart-ass," etc. Apparently I like to call him an ass. I don't know why I do that. I guess at the time I just really want to hurt him and that's how I do it... but wanting to hurt someone is the opposite of what love is. It doesn't matter if they've hurt you or upset you... So personally, that's the one I'm going to work on the hardest.
Now the three things that he said I could work on were:
1. to have a better attitude towards his personal requests, not an attitude of "defiance."
2. procrastinating on requests.
3. keeping personal belongings in their designated place.
I feel like 1 and 2 go together. So that's why I added the fourth one that I talked about beforehand. I feel like I handled this conversation pretty well because most of it we had talked about before, and since I knew the subject matter before we started talking about it, I was more prepared to swallow the big pill. I think that in this scenario I was more open to listening to what he had to say and not so much just trying to get past the conversation so that we could move on and not pay it any mind in practice. The things he listed were a little hard to take in because my excuse is that those things are just part of my personality. I leave my glasses in the bathroom because I don't care if they sit there all day... out of sight out of mind. I'm rebellious. You tell me to do something and I'm going to do the opposite just to piss you off. But that's not love. Love stretches out of its own comfort to accommodate the needs of others. And even if I don't understand the reason why Neil wants my jewelry in one spot or my glasses in their case and not on the bathroom sink, it will only benefit our relationship to put them away. It's just hard to remember sometimes. I just hope he forgives me when I forget to keep up with it... and I know he'll be reading this eventually... a gentle reminder would be okay.
Lord, please help me to demonstrate love to my husband on a daily basis, even when it's doing something that is not natural for me. I pray that you give me reminders on how I can keep up with those things and that you give me opportunities to demonstrate self control with my tongue.
Amen.
PS I have a graduate school interview tomorrow for clinical adult at siue :) Pray that it goes well!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I think I'm on the way to figuring it out....
How do you achieve marital bliss was my last question on this blog. Of course, that question is very complex and I only think I've figured out a piece to the puzzle. I also think that this puzzle piece can be applied to more than just marriage... but overall happiness in life. I've discovered joy. Joy is not a mere emotion that comes and goes based on your circumstances. Joy is an attitude and a choice... a choice to accept the gift that God has given us. We can't create joy for ourselves, but we can experience it by choosing to remember how blessed we are in this life by God and his goodness.
At the church Neil and I have recently started to attend, they are doing a nine week series on the fruits of the spirit. The second fruit is joy. The pastor really enlightened me about this overlooked fruit. It is so important to be joyful in life... God created us for his own pleasure, naturally he would want us to experience joy from our existence as well. I feel like this is where I've been going wrong in my own life... especially recently. And even when I look back at my past experiences, and I consider the hardest times I've gone through in life, I've noticed that my joy was lacking. Now, some might think that's like what came first? The chicken or the egg? ... Was I not joyful because my ex-fiance was cheating on me? How can anyone be joyful in that situation? Was I not joyful because I felt like my relationship with my mother was strained? Isn't it normal for teenage girls to have mood swings?
These things could explain my dark periods in life... but I think they could just be poor excuses. Granted, when my ex cheated on me (more than one time), it was justified that I felt heartbroken and betrayed. But the truth is... to this day, I consider that wrong-doing and I still feel pain. God doesn't want us to do that to ourselves. To experience the joy of Jesus is to live in the present, reflecting on the good things in our lives.
A lot of times when Neil and I argue about something, I have a hard time letting it go. Then, I begin to think about all the things we've argued about... or how often we've been arguing recently... and it makes me sad. I think about the things he does that bother me... and I rack my brain for all the negative things I can come up with. And sometimes, after I've done all that...I go back further in my past. I think about all the regrets and mistakes I've made. I wonder how come my ex cheated on me and if I could be lovable. I even blame myself for his unfaithfulness. I wonder if Neil and I would have a better marriage if I was a better person before we met. And those are the lies that Satan likes to tell me. It's an awful cycle. I'm sad, so I think of sad things and it makes me sadder.. etc. And it's all because Satan wants to suck the joy right out of my heart. Why?
Because God wants joy in my heart. He wants to give me and everyone in the world his unending love and joy. And I think that's a key to marital bliss. Joy in marriage... remembering to be thankful that you have a husband who loves you no matter what stupid thing you do or say and that out of all the women in the world, he chose you as his wife...remembering God's love and grace and forgiveness toward you and all of your mistakes so that when your spouse makes a mistake (or many mistakes) you pass on that same grace to them...remembering the good and letting go of the bad... this is how you achieve a piece of marital bliss. But we can't do it alone... we definitely need God's help. He's the continual reminder of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Hey! Maybe all of those things are the way to marital bliss... and eternal bliss. I'm not perfect, but in my weakness, he is strong.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQo2FJPLeQk
I've got that joy joy joy joy down in my heart! *where?
down in my heart! *where? down in my heart!
I've got that joy joy joy joy down in my heart... down in my heart to stay!
And I'm so happy, so very happy
I've got the love of Jesus in my h-e-a-r-t
Yes I'm so happy so very happy
I've got the love of Jesus in my heart!
At the church Neil and I have recently started to attend, they are doing a nine week series on the fruits of the spirit. The second fruit is joy. The pastor really enlightened me about this overlooked fruit. It is so important to be joyful in life... God created us for his own pleasure, naturally he would want us to experience joy from our existence as well. I feel like this is where I've been going wrong in my own life... especially recently. And even when I look back at my past experiences, and I consider the hardest times I've gone through in life, I've noticed that my joy was lacking. Now, some might think that's like what came first? The chicken or the egg? ... Was I not joyful because my ex-fiance was cheating on me? How can anyone be joyful in that situation? Was I not joyful because I felt like my relationship with my mother was strained? Isn't it normal for teenage girls to have mood swings?
These things could explain my dark periods in life... but I think they could just be poor excuses. Granted, when my ex cheated on me (more than one time), it was justified that I felt heartbroken and betrayed. But the truth is... to this day, I consider that wrong-doing and I still feel pain. God doesn't want us to do that to ourselves. To experience the joy of Jesus is to live in the present, reflecting on the good things in our lives.
A lot of times when Neil and I argue about something, I have a hard time letting it go. Then, I begin to think about all the things we've argued about... or how often we've been arguing recently... and it makes me sad. I think about the things he does that bother me... and I rack my brain for all the negative things I can come up with. And sometimes, after I've done all that...I go back further in my past. I think about all the regrets and mistakes I've made. I wonder how come my ex cheated on me and if I could be lovable. I even blame myself for his unfaithfulness. I wonder if Neil and I would have a better marriage if I was a better person before we met. And those are the lies that Satan likes to tell me. It's an awful cycle. I'm sad, so I think of sad things and it makes me sadder.. etc. And it's all because Satan wants to suck the joy right out of my heart. Why?
Because God wants joy in my heart. He wants to give me and everyone in the world his unending love and joy. And I think that's a key to marital bliss. Joy in marriage... remembering to be thankful that you have a husband who loves you no matter what stupid thing you do or say and that out of all the women in the world, he chose you as his wife...remembering God's love and grace and forgiveness toward you and all of your mistakes so that when your spouse makes a mistake (or many mistakes) you pass on that same grace to them...remembering the good and letting go of the bad... this is how you achieve a piece of marital bliss. But we can't do it alone... we definitely need God's help. He's the continual reminder of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Hey! Maybe all of those things are the way to marital bliss... and eternal bliss. I'm not perfect, but in my weakness, he is strong.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQo2FJPLeQk
I've got that joy joy joy joy down in my heart! *where?
down in my heart! *where? down in my heart!
I've got that joy joy joy joy down in my heart... down in my heart to stay!
And I'm so happy, so very happy
I've got the love of Jesus in my h-e-a-r-t
Yes I'm so happy so very happy
I've got the love of Jesus in my heart!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
How do you achieve marital bliss?
Why do I feel like my husband thinks he has to babysit me? I'm putting my best foot forward to be patient with him. Even when he irritates me, I try to politely tell him how I feel and it always turns into a huge ordeal. I feel like he has never really trusted that I can get by without his help. Probably because he's been helping me from day one. I feel like my independence has been stripped away. I don't want to be entirely independent, we're married after all. But I do want him to trust that there are some things I can do without him reminding me all the time. For example, if there is something on my list of things to do... and the day has just started and I'm still working on checking things off... he doesn't need to remind me to do them!!!!!! Sigh. I hope tonight is a good night for us. I'm tired of arguing every night. I want us both to be in better moods. How does anyone achieve marital bliss? Is it possible?
Monday, January 3, 2011
A New Year
It's the beginning of a new year again. Naturally, that causes people to reflect on the past year... or two... or however many they feel like I guess. So many milestones this year... where to begin?
Tried and failed to workout on a regular basis... what's new? Maybe if I chat with the chiropractor, he'll give me permission to zumba again... we shall see.
Quit, what in my opinion, was the worst job in the world (teller at a bank) to work in a more fun environment as a server at Red Robin. Even though I've had my ups and downs at this new job... I'd much rather work somewhere that keeps me busy and not watching the clock all the time.
I planned and attended my wedding.... married my best friend in the world... and we've almost known each other for two years now :)
I graduated from SIUE with my BS (bach of science even though I had to go through a lot of BS to finally finish it...) in psychology...preparing for graduate school, if they like me enough.
Life is good. And it's all for God's glory. Maybe to glorify him more... I can work on a few other things.
1. My primary goal for the year is to be more patient with my husband. He's a gift from God and I love him so much... I hate that I can't help but become easily annoyed by him sometimes. I know it's in my power to change with God's help. If I really want to show Neil how much I love him... I need to be patient with him, kind to him, forgive him and overcome our obstacles together with him. That's a HUGE goal... baby steps...
2. Get involved with the community. I want to volunteer and help other people... No school for 8 months... besides working extra hours, reaching out to others is a good use of my time... along with..
3. Keeping the house clean. Eh.. this is gonna be hard. I don't care about it as much as Neil. But, my desk is clean and that's a start! Working on the laundry now... and who knows what else might get done when I'm at home! ... I'll keep you updated :) lol.
4. Read more books. Maybe I could go to the library and get a card. I'd like to learn more about classic literature. Funny (as in irony) how I'm interested in reading when it's not being forced on me. God only knows when grad school starts, I won't have time for enjoyable reading again. So I think it'd be good to take advantage of the opportunity I have now.
5. Hit the gym. Even if I can't do zumba... I really want to be active. So sick of all my sweet-tooth cravings going straight to my hips.
6. Most importantly, I have to work on being a better imitator of Jesus.* In everything I do, all of these goals listed here... I need to do them with His attitude. That's a big one to work on, but I think I can do it.** :)
Happy New Year
*Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:1-2)
**I can do all things through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)
Tried and failed to workout on a regular basis... what's new? Maybe if I chat with the chiropractor, he'll give me permission to zumba again... we shall see.
Quit, what in my opinion, was the worst job in the world (teller at a bank) to work in a more fun environment as a server at Red Robin. Even though I've had my ups and downs at this new job... I'd much rather work somewhere that keeps me busy and not watching the clock all the time.
I planned and attended my wedding.... married my best friend in the world... and we've almost known each other for two years now :)
I graduated from SIUE with my BS (bach of science even though I had to go through a lot of BS to finally finish it...) in psychology...preparing for graduate school, if they like me enough.
Life is good. And it's all for God's glory. Maybe to glorify him more... I can work on a few other things.
1. My primary goal for the year is to be more patient with my husband. He's a gift from God and I love him so much... I hate that I can't help but become easily annoyed by him sometimes. I know it's in my power to change with God's help. If I really want to show Neil how much I love him... I need to be patient with him, kind to him, forgive him and overcome our obstacles together with him. That's a HUGE goal... baby steps...
2. Get involved with the community. I want to volunteer and help other people... No school for 8 months... besides working extra hours, reaching out to others is a good use of my time... along with..
3. Keeping the house clean. Eh.. this is gonna be hard. I don't care about it as much as Neil. But, my desk is clean and that's a start! Working on the laundry now... and who knows what else might get done when I'm at home! ... I'll keep you updated :) lol.
4. Read more books. Maybe I could go to the library and get a card. I'd like to learn more about classic literature. Funny (as in irony) how I'm interested in reading when it's not being forced on me. God only knows when grad school starts, I won't have time for enjoyable reading again. So I think it'd be good to take advantage of the opportunity I have now.
5. Hit the gym. Even if I can't do zumba... I really want to be active. So sick of all my sweet-tooth cravings going straight to my hips.
6. Most importantly, I have to work on being a better imitator of Jesus.* In everything I do, all of these goals listed here... I need to do them with His attitude. That's a big one to work on, but I think I can do it.** :)
Happy New Year
*Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:1-2)
**I can do all things through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)
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