Played it til my fingers bled, was the end of summer 2010...

I had to work this morning. It was okay. I have to work again tomorrow morning. That will be okay too. When I got out of work I was listening to some music on the way home. Every now and then, I hear a song and think to myself "I'd love to learn how to play that on guitar." The problem for me has been this: I haven't had the desire to pick up my guitar because it sounds awful. It was a fifty dollar guitar I bought off of ebay. I learned how to play some basic stuff. But as I started to get better, I learned to hate my guitar because it just hurt my ears. I wanted to sound good. Well unfortunately, I don't sound that great anymore because I'm out of practice anyway, but I'm hoping to change that. So as these thoughts of wishing I could play guitar again were going through my head, I called a local music store in Edwardsville. I've been wanting to get a new guitar. Nothing too expensive, but a step up from my junker. I asked about layaway options. It sounded reasonable to me. 20% down and pay it off within 3 months. So I came home and brought it up to Neil. He was not keen on the idea. We do have a lot of expenses right now due to the wedding and whatnot... but I feel like a new guitar would just put me in a better mood, it would give me something to do, a way to express myself. Him and I had discussed getting a new guitar a long time ago, but life happened, bills came up and it got put off. Neil had to go to the bank to deposit some funds into the wedding account and when he got back he surprised me with a budget in cash to spend on a new guitar. I couldn't believe it. I was just thinking that we'd put it on layaway, not that I'd have a guitar today! He takes good care of me for sure :). Well it was funny because he said, "So, is it okay if I hang out with Josh tonight and play video games if you get a new guitar? It'll keep you busy either way." That was hysterical to me. It almost seemed like he felt like he had to pay me to hang out with his friend, but he swore that wasn't the reason. He had a good point though, after getting a new guitar I wasn't going to want to pay attention to him. Even though I was looking forward to spending the evening with him all day at work. But this was a nice compromise. So we went to the music store and I picked out what I thought was a black, but as it turns out it's kind of dark purple, Fender T Bucket. It was on sale for $300, originally $450. And it's so much better than my other guitar! Now, obviously if you're a guitar player, you might be a snob and think, that's a piece of crap... my guitar was a million dollars and is autographed by Jimi Hendrix. Whatever. As you get better, you invest more into it. You wouldn't give a beginner guitar player a really expensive guitar. Speaking of which, if you know anyone who's just getting started... I still have an old guitar I'm trying to get rid of. I won't even charge anyone for it. :)Typing is causing my fingers to hurt even more, I have to wake up early, and I'd like to spend some time with Neil to thank him for being so good to me... so I gotta go now.

I got my first real six string
At the five and dime
played it til my fingers bled
was the end of summer 2010...

We're all just a little bit different from one another.

I hate scary movies. To me, there is nothing "fun" about sitting in the dark trying to scare myself by watching something on the television. I used to be able to handle it as a kid, but I'm different now. Neil has a hard time grasping that. His theory is that I will eventually come around and get used to scary movies, the more I try it. Now, I do enjoy movies that are suspensful, and keep you hanging on the edge of your seat. I like trying to figure out what is going on in a movie, and if there are some elements that are a little creepy, I can get over it for the sake of the mystery. BUT, I can't handle it when the purpose of the movie, or even just part of its purpose, is to cause me to jump and scream. I don't enjoy that feeling. I scare easily, and I get nightmares. Call me a baby. It's who I am and it won't bother me if I don't get invited to watch scary movies ever again. That doesn't sound like a punishment to me.

But anyway, because Neil enjoys them so much, I tried to give Stir of Echoes a chance. Some of you might be thinking, "that's not scary." Ok, so? It's not scary to you. You're the coolest person on earth. I was scared. I don't like it when a ghost just pops up out of nowhere... and I got so scared, I jumped, I screamed and then I cried. Yeah, that's right. I cried. Normally, at this point, we would just turn the movie off. But I really was just trying to be a good sport about this. His mom was over watching with us and I didn't want to ruin their night. So whenever I felt like something scary was going to happen for the rest of the movie (which was about 75% of the time), I covered my eyes with a pillow.

At the end of the movie, I felt like I was getting a lot of crap for not enjoying it. Neil was saying things like "I just don't get it, why don't you like that kind of stuff? I love the feeling a good director can give me.... blah blah blah." And of course, his mother was nodding her head in agreement and chiming in every now and then. It didn't put me in a very good mood. So what I don't like scary movies and you two do. At least I tried to do something nice for you at the expense of my own personal comfort, doesn't that mean anything? And I think I might have unintentionally offended Neil's mom when I asked her to not tell the rest of Neil's siblings, in particular, his sister in law. But oh well. People are going to talk and you just can't control that. It is true I don't like scary movies. And it might be a little embarrassing, but I'll get over it. I just wish that instead of being made to feel like there was something wrong with me, it was just realized that we're all just a little bit different from one another.

Trying to find peace amidst an ocean of drama....

Update: I talked to the youth group pastor at church and explained our situation. He seemed optimistic and non-judgmental. It might work out still :)

There has been a lot of drama going on lately. The biggest piece of drama that has happened... is that Neil has decided (I'm pretty sure) that he'd like to be baptized at our church. Raised catholic, he was 'baptized' as a baby, so his family is having a very difficult time accepting his decision. He wants to make the decision to be baptized, the way the bible describes it- to demonstrate his own acceptance of his faith. He has made a personal decision to be closer to God, which is something that can not be decided for you. No matter what evidence Neil tries to present his family with out of the bible, they explain it away and are unwilling to listen. It's almost as though they see this as committing a sin, even though Jesus commanded us to be baptized. (To be baptized, means to me immersed in water as well, which is not a practice of the catholic faith.) Even though I disagree with a lot of catholic practices, I still feel like they can have a close relationship with God and go to heaven, doing things the way they do them. But it's like they think their faith is superior to mine. But we all believe in the same Jesus. And I feel like instead of just taking the words of those you see as your authority in the church, you should take your questions to the ultimate authority, God. He gave us the bible to use and to learn from. He gave us the bible to answer our questions. Why can't we all just accept it for what it is? Anyway, it's been stressful for me as well to go through this with Neil. I wish his family would be more supportive, because his decision is a good one and I believe that God is pleased with him.

Drama #2: Bridesmaid drama. Erin was mad at me because I told her that I didn't think I'd be able to come to her wedding because it's in Montana, and I don't think I can afford to fly out there when I'm planning my honeymoon for that summer. So she said that she didn't think she'd be able to come to mine. Even though, her wedding is in a year and mine is in three months. I don't feel like it's fair to tell someone that you can be in their wedding and then change your mind three months beforehand. But the only reason why she is acting that way is because she felt resentment towards me for not being able to afford to go to her wedding. So to make herself look better, she brings down my MOH. She told me a secret, something that Lauren did two years ago and never told me about. I don't even want to talk about it here. But I didn't know how to respond, because it made me feel like I couldn't trust Lauren. Then, I realized I can't really trust either of them. I talked to Lauren about it, and Erin was making it sound worse than it was, unless Lauren was lying to me about it. But ultimately, the conclusion Lauren and I came to, is that Erin needs to be the MOH. Even though she hasn't been involved with planning anything and isn't going to be able to come to my bridal shower or my bachelorette party because she lives in Montana now. This is so ridiculous. and petty. I talked to Neil about it. He had some wise words for me. He said that this is the devil trying to make my wedding stressful. He was right. None of this is such a big deal, and I'm not going to let it ruin the most important day of my life, up to this point.

Neil and I read some scripture when we got home from small group tonight. It was refreshing. I think it helped both of us to find some peace amidst this ocean of drama.

Background Check

Well, I started to feel a little better last night so I picked up a shift last night and one for tonight. I worked last night and was fine, but when I got home I started feeling crappy again. Hopefully, I'll feel better before work tonight. If I'm going to call in, apparently I need to do it by noon. But I really want to work so I think I'm just going to try to make it.

Yesterday, I had a meeting with the youth minister at our church because I've decided that I want to volunteer as a youth leader. It went really well. He talked to me about all the different events they have and about their weekly sunday night meetings. I took home the "background check" application and started filling it out after I got home from work last night. Questions were like this:
Have you ever been arrested of a criminal offense? Y or N
Have you ever or do you use illegal drugs? Y or N
yada yada... but then this question pops up
Are there any other circumstances involving your lifestyle, background or history that may call into question your ability to work with children, such as: living together as a married couple before marriage, being involved with or addicted to pornography, or being accused of inappropriate behavior with children?

Hold the phone! You mean to tell me that they're going to lump living with my fiance before marriage (even though we're not having sex) with porn addiction and child molesting?! I have to admit, I wanted to lie on that one. And if it wasn't for Neil being rational with me I probably would have. I marked yes...hoping to be able to explain so they wouldn't think I molested children or something. There is a portion after the questions to give you a chance to explain your answer if you answered yes to any of the questions. But I don't know if mine will be good enough.

To sum it up, I explained that Neil and I are living together, but we're getting married in three months and we're remaining sexually abstinent until that night. I explained that we came to that decision through growing together as a couple at our church. I also let them know that I would encourage young girls to wait until their wedding day to live with/have sex with their spouse. I made sure to mention that Christ has forgiven me... hopefully they will too. I would hate to think that this would keep me from serving in the youth group. I already told red robin last night that I can't work on Sunday nights anymore because I hadn't looked at the application yet.

I guess we'll see what happens. I was really looking forward to this. I understand that they want to have people their teens can look up to and apparently my sin is worse than anyone else's.

Sick Days

So this week at work, I was only scheduled one shift. A guy offered up his "on-call" shift which was for this morning and I took it because I was desperate, hoping that they'd actually need me. Last night, during the membership class at the church Neil and I attend, I started to feel stuffed up. I was having a hard time breathing. We went to Neil's mom's house for her birthday celebration and my sniffles just kept getting worse. By the end of the night I was sneezing and had a sore throat. I woke up in the middle of the night about three times, and I took a shot of Nyquil at 5am. So I wake up and call Red Robin at 9.30 hoping that they won't need me. Granted, I live in Edwardsville which is a half hour from Fairview Heights...and at this point, I'm still in bed because I'm exhausted. Not only do they want me to come in, but they want me to be there at 10 am. My words are "that's impossible!" I explained to the manager that I was feeling like crap and she told me I didn't have to come in but I put her in a bind because they had two other people call off and I'm the on call and they needed me....
ugh! Of course, in my head, I was thinking that those other people who called off probably weren't even sick. Doesn't matter. I'm probably going to get "written up." whatever. It bothers me but there's nothing I can do about it. I didn't want to infect all of St Louis today.

Crazy in Love

I quit Bella Milano on Wednesday. I didn't like it. I'm glad I discovered that while in training. I would prefer to work some place where people are nice and not grouchy. So that's that.

Neil makes me feel like a nutball. Sometimes, I just wanna kiss him all over. Other times, not so much. I feel like for the past few days, things have been going great. We have stuck to our commitment to one another to wait until our wedding night to have sex again. We have been reading together, praying together, we went to the Mascoutah homecoming and met his family out there. We had a great time! We got our engagement pictures back and they are all so beautiful. But God has been teaching me patience the past few days, that's for sure. And I don't know if you know this or not, but when you're learning patience, eventually there will be a time when you lose your patience. That's how you learn. So over the past few days, I have been putting my all into being patient with Neil. When he's biting his fingernails, I try so hard not to say anything, and I would say that I've only told him not to do it about half as much as normal. When he says something that I could "take the wrong way," I try very hard to just let it roll off my shoulders. When he looked at all of our engagement pictures and talked about all the ones he didn't like before he talked about the ones he did like, I tried not to let it bother me. And when he emailed me an article about diet and exercise I took it with a grain of salt, thinking to myself "He just wants me to be healthy, he doesn't think I'm a fatty." This has been over the course of about five days. Well, today, I lost my patience a little bit. This morning, I got up and made cinnamon rolls. (I bet you can guess where this is going.) I bought them over a week ago, and I thought to myself: "It's Sunday morning, we're just lounging around, we're almost out of milk so cereal wouldn't be the best option... I'll make our cinnamon rolls." Of course, being naive, I expected Neil to wake up, smell the fresh cinnamon rolls baking in the kitchen, come to the kitchen as I was icing the cinnamon rolls and say "Mmmmm... that smells so good. Brandy, you're going to be a wonderful wife. What a great idea to make cinnamon rolls for us to share this morning. I can't imagine a sweeter way to start off my day."

But No.

I get this instead. Neil comes into the kitchen with a look of bewilderment on his face. "What are you doing?" He says. "I'm making cinnamon rolls." I say with anticipation. He pauses for a few moments. "We sure do think differently about things," he finally says. I eat three cinnamon rolls. He eats one. He then proceeds to tell me how he just wants to start keeping an eye on his manly figure and that I ruin it for him everyday. I snap. In my head, I'm thinking, "what an ungrateful jerk." He really thinks I'm trying to make him fat? And I weigh more than he does, so if he thinks he's fat, what does he think of me? I go into another room to get away from the situation and he follows me wanting to talk about it some more. I'm not in the mood to talk about it. I'd rather pretend like it didn't happen. I feel like I can only be patient for so long, before something small sets me off. Is it better to be set off a tiny bit by everything that happens, or to be set off a lot my something small that happens as a result of a building up of everything else? How do you not let things bother you??? It's so hard! I just wish sometimes that HE would be the way I want him to be. Unfortunately for me, I have to learn to accept him ... because I'm going to have to live with all of his personality, the parts I like and the parts that drive me crazy, for the rest of my life. I know there is something about him that is worth putting up with all of the things that bother me. It's just hard to remember those things when I'm upset. Sigh.

My fiance is incredibly handsome

Have you met him before? If not, you're missing out. He has dark hair and hazel eyes... but they're the kind of eyes that when he gazes at you, you can feel how much he cares about you... which for most people, he cares about them a lot. He also has the cutest smile. For photographs, he has a specific smile, it makes him look really handsome and when he's all dressed up you could mistake him for a model :). But in general, when I'm just hanging out with him and he smiles, it's so cute and a little quirky. I absolutely love the dimple on his right cheek. It is so adorable, and it's like his trademark. I hope my future children inherit that dimple. As long as he isn't laughing at me, his laugh is contagious. I love seeing him happy. I have a daily goal of doing something sweet for him to make him smile and reveal that dimple. His arms are the most comforting arms to rest in. If I'm ever upset about anything and he offers to hold me close, I feel my stress melt away. There is so much security and protection in his arms because I trust him with everything. He's lean. Oh yeah, that's right. You might look at him and think, "he's scrawny and skinny..." but he has muscle on those arms. Guns, let me tell you! His arms are incredibly sexy. I love them... and the muscles add to the security I feel while resting in them. He has really soft skin and he smells really good. I like to bury my face in his neck, especially right after he has shaved because his after shave smells great and his face feels so soft against mine. His lips are soft too... I remember trembling at our first kiss. He's a great kisser. He's so handsome, inside and out. I love him so much.

He could be a little taller.... just kidding :)

Feeling Alone

Things aren't as bad as I make them sometimes. I'm aware of this. But sometimes, I just need someone to lay it all out on. Poor Neil has to deal with it most of the time. My day really wasn't awful, but a few little nuisances occurred, I guess it was God trying to teach me patience. And for the most part, I handled everything with grace, but by the end of the day, I felt like I had used up all my patience, and there were still more things to come. I won't bother getting into all of the things that I disliked today; I already had to talk to Neil about it. He handled my therapy session quite well for the most part, and I'm lucky to have him in my life...even though at times I don't give him the credit he deserves.

First, let me say that my "love language" is quality time. I can tell that I am loved by someone when they want to be near me, talk with me, play a game with me, etc. All of the things that bothered me today had to do with people not giving me quality time, sort of. I know that intentionally, they weren't trying to hurt my feelings, but it happened. I'm not upset with anyone really, but it just made me feel a little depressed. Unfortunately, I'm the type of woman that if something bothers me I end up thinking of other situations similar to it that bothered me in the past and then I think there's something wrong with me and I am hard to take out of my own pit of despair which I have created for myself.

I need friends. Not lots of friends. But close friends. I feel like I have lots of "friends" but I don't really have anyone that I feel close to, besides my fiance. He's my best friend, and that will never change. But I can't expect him to fulfill my needs for human interaction all the time. Unfortunately, I've been getting my feelings hurt by people quite often, and even though I've been categorized as an extrovert on personality tests, I feel pretty introverted when it comes to people I don't know yet. It's especially bad for people that I know somewhat, but I'm just not close to. Do you ever feel like you get to that point with people? Like you've spent enough time with them on an acquaintance level that you've kind of missed the friend train? Sometimes it's like people think you're just comfortable being acquaintances and that you're not interested in getting to know them better even though you might be.... well I'm saying you but I'm speaking for myself. This isn't to say that my "friends" aren't good people, but I'm just finding it hard to relate to a lot of them anymore. Distance, Maturity levels, Interests and other types of barriers have stunted the growth of those relationships and it's left me in a place where I don't know what to do. I'm at a point in my life where I'm a little too old for my college age peers because I'm getting married and my life is changing in that way, and I'm also not interested in the same types of things they are anymore... and I'm too young for the "adult" influences in my life from church and family, because I'm not up to speed with them; I don't have children and I'm still not finished with college so I haven't started my career. It gets lonely sometimes.

I'm lucky to have my future husband in my life, because we are at the same point in our lives, obviously. But I feel like I need support in other areas and I can't always depend on him for that. I can depend on God and pray for strength in certain areas, but I need a strong community. I know I'm in the middle of a growing pain in my life, but it still doesn't change the fact that sometimes it still hurts to go through change. And as I'm in the middle of this change, I'm confused. God, please help me. Amen.

Faith Like a Child

My maid of honor stayed over last night and we (myself, Neil and MOH) stayed up until 4 am talking about God. I didn't like it at all. I feel so bad for her. I know this might sound naive, but I find more peace in accepting the Bible on faith. I know that it is wise to question things that we don't understand to find the truth, but at the same time, you have to draw a line somewhere. There is no way any of us can possibly understand the mind of the one who created us. But her faith is so far gone anymore. When we were younger, it was so much easier for her to believe what she had been taught. But as she has grown up, skepticism has come into her heart. She questions everything related to her faith. She doesn't believe that churches should use emotional appeal to teach people something, she thinks it is like brainwashing. Yet she called my fiance paranoid for thinking "the devil is out to get him." Emotions help people with memory, that has been proven in research. And if a pastor is trying to emphasize a point, there might be emotional music in the background, not to trick you, but to emphasize the point that he is trying to make. After our discussion together, I almost felt like I began to doubt my own faith system, and that is scary to me. I do think a healthy level of skepticism is good in our walk with God (this is called discernment), but too much can take away our experience with Him, and can damage our relationship with Him. "I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." (Mark 10:15-NIV)Children are trusting. Little children do not doubt that what their parents tell them is true, and they also trust fully in their parents' capability to keep them safe. (that is, if it is a good parent-child relationship, which is the example that God would be for us). My MOH has basically taken everything she has learned about faith, all different types of faith, and subscribes to the parts of them that she feels are right. My question is, what makes her right? What gives her the right to think that she can pick and choose the answers that make the most sense to her and that is the truth? She believes that there is truth in every religion. That could be true, but there are also lies in other religions. I guess I'm arrogant for believing that my faith is correct. I don't have enough background in world religion to make that statement, according to a well-rounded educated individual. But I do know this; my faith is so real and makes so much sense, to me, that I don't feel the need to complicate it by doubting its truth all the time. How confusing of a life it must be for someone who constantly doubts their belief system? Why would you want to do that to yourself?

Dear God, surround me as I speak,
The bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear
Dear God, don't let me fall apart,
You've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand
Sometimes, when I feel miles away
And my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness
I walked in light of you
They say that I can move the mountains
And send them falling to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
With faith like a child
They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
With faith like a child