Crazy in Love

I quit Bella Milano on Wednesday. I didn't like it. I'm glad I discovered that while in training. I would prefer to work some place where people are nice and not grouchy. So that's that.

Neil makes me feel like a nutball. Sometimes, I just wanna kiss him all over. Other times, not so much. I feel like for the past few days, things have been going great. We have stuck to our commitment to one another to wait until our wedding night to have sex again. We have been reading together, praying together, we went to the Mascoutah homecoming and met his family out there. We had a great time! We got our engagement pictures back and they are all so beautiful. But God has been teaching me patience the past few days, that's for sure. And I don't know if you know this or not, but when you're learning patience, eventually there will be a time when you lose your patience. That's how you learn. So over the past few days, I have been putting my all into being patient with Neil. When he's biting his fingernails, I try so hard not to say anything, and I would say that I've only told him not to do it about half as much as normal. When he says something that I could "take the wrong way," I try very hard to just let it roll off my shoulders. When he looked at all of our engagement pictures and talked about all the ones he didn't like before he talked about the ones he did like, I tried not to let it bother me. And when he emailed me an article about diet and exercise I took it with a grain of salt, thinking to myself "He just wants me to be healthy, he doesn't think I'm a fatty." This has been over the course of about five days. Well, today, I lost my patience a little bit. This morning, I got up and made cinnamon rolls. (I bet you can guess where this is going.) I bought them over a week ago, and I thought to myself: "It's Sunday morning, we're just lounging around, we're almost out of milk so cereal wouldn't be the best option... I'll make our cinnamon rolls." Of course, being naive, I expected Neil to wake up, smell the fresh cinnamon rolls baking in the kitchen, come to the kitchen as I was icing the cinnamon rolls and say "Mmmmm... that smells so good. Brandy, you're going to be a wonderful wife. What a great idea to make cinnamon rolls for us to share this morning. I can't imagine a sweeter way to start off my day."

But No.

I get this instead. Neil comes into the kitchen with a look of bewilderment on his face. "What are you doing?" He says. "I'm making cinnamon rolls." I say with anticipation. He pauses for a few moments. "We sure do think differently about things," he finally says. I eat three cinnamon rolls. He eats one. He then proceeds to tell me how he just wants to start keeping an eye on his manly figure and that I ruin it for him everyday. I snap. In my head, I'm thinking, "what an ungrateful jerk." He really thinks I'm trying to make him fat? And I weigh more than he does, so if he thinks he's fat, what does he think of me? I go into another room to get away from the situation and he follows me wanting to talk about it some more. I'm not in the mood to talk about it. I'd rather pretend like it didn't happen. I feel like I can only be patient for so long, before something small sets me off. Is it better to be set off a tiny bit by everything that happens, or to be set off a lot my something small that happens as a result of a building up of everything else? How do you not let things bother you??? It's so hard! I just wish sometimes that HE would be the way I want him to be. Unfortunately for me, I have to learn to accept him ... because I'm going to have to live with all of his personality, the parts I like and the parts that drive me crazy, for the rest of my life. I know there is something about him that is worth putting up with all of the things that bother me. It's just hard to remember those things when I'm upset. Sigh.