Feeling Alone

Things aren't as bad as I make them sometimes. I'm aware of this. But sometimes, I just need someone to lay it all out on. Poor Neil has to deal with it most of the time. My day really wasn't awful, but a few little nuisances occurred, I guess it was God trying to teach me patience. And for the most part, I handled everything with grace, but by the end of the day, I felt like I had used up all my patience, and there were still more things to come. I won't bother getting into all of the things that I disliked today; I already had to talk to Neil about it. He handled my therapy session quite well for the most part, and I'm lucky to have him in my life...even though at times I don't give him the credit he deserves.

First, let me say that my "love language" is quality time. I can tell that I am loved by someone when they want to be near me, talk with me, play a game with me, etc. All of the things that bothered me today had to do with people not giving me quality time, sort of. I know that intentionally, they weren't trying to hurt my feelings, but it happened. I'm not upset with anyone really, but it just made me feel a little depressed. Unfortunately, I'm the type of woman that if something bothers me I end up thinking of other situations similar to it that bothered me in the past and then I think there's something wrong with me and I am hard to take out of my own pit of despair which I have created for myself.

I need friends. Not lots of friends. But close friends. I feel like I have lots of "friends" but I don't really have anyone that I feel close to, besides my fiance. He's my best friend, and that will never change. But I can't expect him to fulfill my needs for human interaction all the time. Unfortunately, I've been getting my feelings hurt by people quite often, and even though I've been categorized as an extrovert on personality tests, I feel pretty introverted when it comes to people I don't know yet. It's especially bad for people that I know somewhat, but I'm just not close to. Do you ever feel like you get to that point with people? Like you've spent enough time with them on an acquaintance level that you've kind of missed the friend train? Sometimes it's like people think you're just comfortable being acquaintances and that you're not interested in getting to know them better even though you might be.... well I'm saying you but I'm speaking for myself. This isn't to say that my "friends" aren't good people, but I'm just finding it hard to relate to a lot of them anymore. Distance, Maturity levels, Interests and other types of barriers have stunted the growth of those relationships and it's left me in a place where I don't know what to do. I'm at a point in my life where I'm a little too old for my college age peers because I'm getting married and my life is changing in that way, and I'm also not interested in the same types of things they are anymore... and I'm too young for the "adult" influences in my life from church and family, because I'm not up to speed with them; I don't have children and I'm still not finished with college so I haven't started my career. It gets lonely sometimes.

I'm lucky to have my future husband in my life, because we are at the same point in our lives, obviously. But I feel like I need support in other areas and I can't always depend on him for that. I can depend on God and pray for strength in certain areas, but I need a strong community. I know I'm in the middle of a growing pain in my life, but it still doesn't change the fact that sometimes it still hurts to go through change. And as I'm in the middle of this change, I'm confused. God, please help me. Amen.