Stupid

I don't know what to do. Right now, I really hate my life. I guess I'm just ungrateful. But I wish things were different.

I can't forgive my husband. He said he was sorry. But right now, I hate him.

It wasn't even that big of an offense. But I can't take feeling hurt with grace. I hate being embarrassed. I hate being laughed at. It has happened too often in my life... and I can't stand the one person who is supposed to love me more than anyone else in the world being the person to cause me so much pain.

If I think with my mind instead of my heart, I know that I'm overreacting. But I can't help how I feel. I wish I could change. I wish I could just let it go. I wish I could "have thicker skin," like he wants me to have. But I can't. I'm sensitive. Years of being hurt and let down has made me this way. I've been trying to change, but it feels impossible. Why is it my responsibility to change anyway? How come he can't change and just be a nice person toward me?

Why is it that at this point, I know I should turn to God for help, but I don't want to? I want to wallow in my agony. Why do I do that? My counselor asked me that question. Why do I nurse my anger? I had to have learned that as a coping mechanism somewhere... but I really have no idea where.

Right now, I feel worthless. I feel unwanted. I feel stupid. I feel left out. I feel sad. I feel like there's no point to living anymore.

It was all over something stupid.

But to me... it wasn't stupid.

Can You Hold Me Together?

Today, I feel like a mess. It's so hard to say a prayer when you feel this way.

Sometimes, I just feel hopeless...
God, I need you today. Please hold me together.

Hello Mercy,
I have been searching for you lately
I've been wounded and from what I hear
You have the remedy

They told me You would be for me
So now I need to know
Is this a love that can save me
Or say You will then don't
Will You stay with me when nobody is around
If this is real, then tell now

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart
Falling apart

Saying so long, been lost, been gone
Not sure what to pray
It's not easy but I know You see me
When I lose my way

I keep on floating not knowing
If there is more for me
Don't want to sink beneath waves of negativity
I'm going under,
I'm afraid that I might drown
If this is real,
I need you now

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
'Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart, yeah
Falling apart
Oh, Lord

I'm feeling stronger
With you by my side
And I realize You are my hope
I need to know

Can you hold me together
Can your love reach down this far
Can you hold me together
'Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart,
Falling apart, yeah
Hold me together Lord

Without You,
I'm falling apart
Falling apart

Autobiography

Yesterday, I sat in front of my lap top and wrote one of the most depressing papers of my life. The assignment was to write about how my personality developed, important events in my life that shaped my personality and why I feel like social work is the right fit for me. It took me a long time to get started on it, but I wrote an outline a few days ago and started putting the pieces together yesterday. Low an behold, I had written 7 pages within a couple hours. The assignment was a 5-7 page assignment. Once I started writing, it all just came out. It was quite a therapeutic paper, to say the least... bringing up old pains and hurts that I had locked up and tried to forget about a long time ago. But it had a happy ending. God has delivered me from that hurt... He has TRANSFORMED my life. I am a new person. I can't believe he was able to work as many miracles as he has for my life... but that's what He is all about. It's all about his glory. Here is my first draft, if you're interested:

Brandy in Environment
I am a first year social work graduate student at Southern Illinois University-Edwardsville (SIUE). I have learned within only my first few weeks of study that I came to be the person I am by interactions with various systems in my environment. The purpose of writing this paper is to share with you briefly a piece of who I am, those systems which helped to shape my personality, and why I feel social work is the right fit for me.

My Family and Childhood
I was born into a family with limited resources. My mother was on her third marriage (my father) and I was her fourth child. My three older half brothers lived with their fathers; one of them I knew and the other two I didn’t because they lived a couple hours away. Early on, neither of my parents had a car or a driver’s license. My mother did not graduate from high school and college was never even considered. When I was still young, about 3-5 years of age, my father worked in food service as a line cook for a locally owned restaurant. He had not attended college but he did receive his GED while he was incarcerated for drunk driving. My father had a long history of alcoholism and drug abuse and my mother had a long history of manipulating other people (mainly men) to get what she wanted in life- be it a place to stay, food, money to pay her bills, or a ride to another city.

Needless to say, I grew up in a very dysfunctional and unstable environment. My mother would get angry with my father because he stayed out all night drinking. Sometimes, she would decide pack up her bags, take my hand, and hitch a ride out of town to stay with her sister or a shelter for abused women and children. I really hated this because I loved my father and I didn’t want to be separated from him so often. Things became even more complicated when my mother began to cheat on my father with another man. A year later, she became pregnant with who she thought was this other man’s baby (my younger half brother, Sam). My family actually found out ten years after Sam was born that he was not even this man’s son; she had slept with two other men while she was married to my father.

Sam was born when I was seven years old. I do not recall very many happy memories with my mother after the age of six. Before my brother was born, I felt as though my mother was looking out for me and she wanted the best for me. After Sam was born, and as I was growing up, she lost her patience with me very often; she screamed at me and threw things. She frequently overlooked my needs. She had taken my father to court for child support, which I felt was outlandish because he always did his best to provide for me even though he did not live with us. The judge ordered him to pay mandatory child support. This took money out of his miniscule paycheck and sent it to my mother, who used the money very poorly. I remember one occasion where I had informed my mother that my underwear was old and literally falling apart and I asked her take me shopping for new underwear. She agreed until the check came. It was gone by the time I had come home from school that day. She had spent it on cigarettes, ordering a pizza and renting my younger brother a video game. Later, she has told me that she “didn’t mean to [treat me with less love], but that she knew my dad was always going to be around for me,” and “Sam was [less fortunate] because he didn’t have a dad.” What she did not realize is that by her actions, I lost a mother. There were no feelings of attachment or trust toward her because I had felt betrayed too many times (Santrock, 2011, p. 20). It always bothered me that my mother made so many excuses and she never took responsibility for her behavior.

The one thing she was right about was that my Dad was always going to be around. Even though she would run away from him because of his drinking or drug behavior, he would track us down and come visit me. His visits were always pleasant and I never doubted his love for me. He encouraged me to do well all through school because he did not want me to “end up like” him. He felt like an education would lead me to a better life than what he had, and I wanted to make him proud.

As far as my family dynamics, my parents’ marriage was never really a marriage and not a good example, to say the least. They attempted to work things out time and time again, but they would separate each time. They did not divorce until I was eighteen, but it did not come as a shock to me when they did. I was used to them not being together for the majority of my life; the divorce was just a finalization process. According to the McMaster Model of family functioning, our family system had no functional units, hierarchy, rules, roles, or routines. It was a complete mess. My mother was a neglectful parent (Santrock, 2011, p. 157) and my father had his own problems and could not reach his potential parenting level. In studying the McMaster Model, I would argue that my mother showed some “Narcissitic involvement” in my life because she was only interested in me if it benefited her in some way.

My Faith
I lived with my mother, so unfortunately, I was only able to visit my father once a week. By this time, he had quit drinking but the pain of my mother’s affairs kept my parents apart. Eventually, my father turned to harder drugs to take away his pain. I sought out positive interactions at school and with my friends… school was the most normal part of my life. A friend from my school invited me to church and I loved going every Sunday. Church played a huge part in my social and emotional development. I have to disagree with Appleby when he says that “Western religious and philosophical thought is the ideological basis of all forms of oppression in the United States” (Appleby, p. 26). In my experience, my relationship with God freed me from oppression. At school, I felt out of place because I did not have nice clothes to wear or the latest and greatest school supplies. I was fortunate that my mother was able to afford school supplies at all… and I’m pretty sure they came from charity. God accepted me for who I was. Church was more like home to me than my actual home. It was there that I learned about God’s love for me and the forgiveness he offered to everyone… and that he expects us to offer forgiveness to each other. God brought joy to my life, I learned morals and how to behave. I began to develop a sense of humor rather than dread regarding the things going on around me. Even though I was resentful toward my mother, I tried to love, honor, and forgive her. “Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you once were” (Shook & Shook, 2009, p. 48). God comforted me in times of distress growing up. In the midst of my pain I learned that with God, nothing is impossible. I grew wise beyond my years and I lived according to this principle: “And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28, NIV) Through this I knew that God could take my hurt and grow me into a stronger person, because He had a purpose for my life that was far beyond what I could ever imagine. Now, I am starting to imagine that purpose as being an example of His love to others in unfavorable circumstances. I want to make it clear, that even though my faith is an integral part of my life, I would never force my ideas onto others. I am very open about what I believe, but I am not out to save people, rather I wish to serve them. “To accept others means that we stop trying to change them and start trying to understand them” (Shook & Shook, 2009, p. 53).

The turning point in my faith, which erased any doubt I had of God’s existence, was when He answered my prayer. I was only eleven years old. I remember getting down on my knees beside my bed one evening, holding a teddy bear that my father had given me, and crying my heart out to God in prayer for my father’s salvation. I prayed to God that my father would come to know of His unending love, that he would turn away from drugs, and that the Lord would provide him with a “good job” because at this time, he was working in a bar kitchen. It was a short amount of time after this that I remember making my father a goody-bag of gifts for Father’s Day. When he came to visit, I sang to him “You are my sunshine,” and gave him a bag which had a ribbon inside it that said “#1 Dad,” a figurine of a guardian angel, and a handmade card which told him “Happy Father’s Day, I Love You, Daddy.” Two weeks after, he came to visit me and told me that he would like to speak to the pastor of my church. I learned that he had “hit rock bottom,” he was unhappy with his life, and he wanted to make a change. He told me and the pastor that the night before his visit with me he had prayed to God to get him out of the mess he was in… and that he was holding on to the angel figurine I had given Him… asking God if Jesus was powerful enough to transform his life. After speaking with my pastor, my father turned his life over to God and went into a month long rehabilitation program. Shortly after exiting the program, he attained employment at the University of Illinois in Springfield, working as a sous chef in the kitchen, where he stayed for ten years. A social worker may think that in this way, I had an influence on my father’s life… but I like to say that God used me in my father’s life to do His work. There is no way I could take the credit and not give God the glory for that answered prayer.

My Education
In elementary and high school, I was an average student. My father tried to motivate me to do well from a distance, but it was not enough for me to go above and beyond. At the time, I just wanted to get by and pass each grade so that I would not be embarrassed if I failed. I was not able to participate in any other school activities because they required money or time. I wanted to play saxophone in the school band, but my family did not have the money to rent or buy the musical instrument; I wanted to be a cheerleader, but my family did not have the money for the school uniform or cheer camp; I wanted to take dance lessons, but my family could not afford dance lessons; I wanted to be on yearbook staff, but my mother made me babysit my little brother after school because she was forced to work part time to keep state aid and food stamps. Unfortunately, I was unable to participate or excel in many of the things that interested me. Church was free, so I was a part of the youth group. It was the only activity outside of the classroom that I was able to be a part of.

Many of my church friends wanted to attend Lincoln Christian College, a private Christian school after high school graduation. So, I jumped on the bandwagon and went there too. I was able to go because of federal aid, student loans, and a scholarship that was awarded to me by the school due to my unfortunate financial circumstances. I only went for one semester; I performed horribly in my classes; and I moved back to my hometown to enroll in the community college. I chose to take out student loans to pay for an apartment off campus because I refused to live with my mother again. She told me that when I graduated high school, she was going to make me pay rent if I stayed with her. I figured if I was going to have to pay rent anyway, I would live in a space where I would be happy. I knew my mother had no good intentions for wanting me to pay rent; she just wanted to make a profit. It was amazing how much better off I was living on my own. I had the freedom to spend my money how I wanted, within reason and being responsible...and I will not lie to you, I was not always responsible. This required me to learn some lessons the hard way, but God was forgiving and provided a way for me to get back on track.

I really enjoyed the community college I attended. I was learning how to function on my own, working part time as a server, paying bills, and attending classes. It was difficult at first, but I learned how to manage all of the tasks and got better at it. There were many useful resources at the college, including a career center, a math center, and the librarians were really helpful. I started setting goals and working toward them and my self-esteem went higher and higher.

I graduated with my Associate Degree in 2008. It took me longer than normal because I changed my major a couple times, but when I finally decided on Psychology, it went quickly. I transferred to Southern Illinois University-Edwardsville in the fall of 2008, as a junior because I had the two year degree. Almost all of my classes were psychology classes, so I found them very interesting and it was not hard to excel. I was finally able to be involved with academic and social organizations because I was on my own and could decide how to spend my time and money. I completed my Bachelor Degree in fall of 2010 and was accepted into the MSW program at SIUE in the fall of 2011, which brings me to the present.

Conclusion

Now you know all my deep, dark, secrets and my agonizing history. The field of social work is so important to me, because it was through these social organizations: Church, School, Drug Rehabilitation Centers, and Public Aid, that God was able to bless me with all that I needed to survive and eventually thrive. I want to have the skills to do that for others… especially children. My heart goes out to children because they do not have a choice. Children are in the situations they are in because of their parents' decisions-not their own. I believe that if social workers can reach out to children in their earlier development that these children might have a chance for a better life. They will learn to grow from their past, not let it dictate their future.  

Get Out of the Boat

Today was a good day.

This evening, I attended a "Ladies' Night Out" event at my church. Oh yes, it's ladies night... and the feeling's right.. oh what a night! LOL. Anyway..

God is so great. He knows just what I need. The evening started with dinner and socializing... which made me somewhat uncomfortable since I didn't know very many of the women at my table. But go figure, the woman to my left is a social worker, so we had a lot to chat about since I'm working on my Master's in Social Work as of this past Monday :)Like I said, God is so great.

After dinner, we had a mini-worship service. My favorite thing ever is to worship God in song. I don't know why, really. I feel like He reveals so much to me through music. When I have doubts about who He is, and I choose to listen to the strumming of an acoustic guitar in a worship song... I'm reminded of His great love for me and how this simple, yet elegant sound is enjoyed by so many people.. and it wouldn't make sense if there was no God. Everything has a purpose; and to me, the purpose of music is to bring glory to our Father in Heaven and also to bring us joy. Why would we need joy if there was no God? He provided avenues of joy in our lives because He LOVES US. :) Oh, how he loves us! (That's one of my favorites)

Tonight the music touched me.. but the words God spoke to my heart touched me even more. He uses people. I know it's true. We had a lady pastor from another church come speak for our event tonight. She had a southern accent even though she's lived in fairview heights for 20 years. I'm glad she hasn't lost it, it's really cute and a little comforting :).

To preface, I found her words very ironic in that she used the story of Jesus walking on water, and Peter walking on water.. you know for a split second, and the rest of the disciples in the boat. The reason why this is ironic to me is that my husband and I went to a Jamaican church service on our honeymoon, and the pastor used the same story in his teaching. Maybe you'll catch the irony when I'm done with this post...

So she set up the scene, in a different way than I recall hearing it in the past. She referred to the "walking on water experience" as a pop-quiz for the disciples. They had, just moments before getting on the boat, witnessed Jesus feed a multitude of people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. This has always been hard for me to wrap my head around... since in my family 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish wouldn't go very far. But I guess that's why you call it a miracle :)

So anyway, the disciples witnessed this miracle right? So what was the point? What was he trying to teach them? .... Maybe that HE CAN DO ALL THINGS... Maybe that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD...Maybe that HE CAN BE TRUSTED... yeah

So, Jesus tells the disciples to get in the boat and they go out into the middle of the water while Jesus goes up to the mountain to pray. It says in the bible that the boat was "buffeted" by the waves. This means that the boat was being "strik[ed] against repeatedly"- dictionary.com. So it was kind of violent in the water and the disciples were afraid.

Relating that to our own lives: We're in the midst of something, and sometimes things are really difficult when you're in the middle of it, still trying to work your way through it. We witness God doing wonderful things in our lives, and we still get scared. We have fear that something is going to go wrong.

For me, I was thinking about my marriage. When Neil and I first got together, it seemed like "smooth sailing." Things were just happy all the time. But now that we've been married a little while, it's gotten bumpy. Our marriage boat is being buffeted by the waves of life.. our own pride and insecurities. And it makes me scared. Sometimes I feel like God can't, or won't, save us from this threatening storm in our marriage...whatever it may be.

So Jesus walks out on to the water. (Just like that.. he walks on the water) And the disciples are in doubt. Even though they've seen him perform all sorts of miracles, they think there's a ghost on the water because there's no way Jesus could do that.

And I'm like that too. I question if it's Jesus, when he's on his way to help me.

Jesus invited Peter out into the water, to walk with him on the water. I can imagine all the other disciples snickering thinking, "Yeah right.." but they didn't have the courage... or trust to get out of the boat themselves. Peter stepped onto the water.. and he was walking on it. Jesus was with him, he was safe. But the waves started crashing against his feet, and he got a little scared... and he lost his faith...and fell in.

Jesus, of course, pulled him out and said to him, "Why did you doubt me? I was here with you all along... "

I do this all the time. I doubt my marriage. I doubt that God is going to pull us through it. It seems impossible. We argue so much.. we disagree on almost everything... and I don't wanna do it God's way. I wanna do it my way, because obviously, I know more than God. [That's sarcasm by the way.]

And the ironic thing to me is that on my honeymoon, I heard this story... and I never would have guessed it would apply so much during my marriage :)

God's way is the only way to do things right. It's scary when we're struggling and it's scary when we have to give up our will to God's and trust that He's going to make it work. But HE ALWAYS DOES. He is FAITHFUL. I just have to trust Him, I have to get out of the boat and experience life, doing things I thought were impossible with Jesus by my side.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWDpbZmI-ug

He's Not That Bad...

When writing this blog, I do a lot of venting. Some of you may read the words I say when things between Neil and I are at their worst and get worried. Don't worry. My husband is a blessing from God and I love him to death. I know he loves me too. We just get into a lot of crap, like everyone else does. Anyway, today I talked to him about how I felt like he has "gotten used to me," and how I don't feel as appreciated as I did when we were first dating. This is a normal feeling since we're past the dating stage, but it's still good to keep romance alive even after you've been married for a long time. That way, when you have problems, you can remember the good things easier because they are recent.

After telling Neil how I felt, he did the sweetest thing. I was at my friend's house today in Springfield. He called me and told me that he "made me something" that he wanted to give to me when I got back. It was a card :) And it was really cute.

On the front of the card, he drew a door... and it says "If you're a special lady, come on inside..."

He wrote a poem inside. :)

I asked God to put a good woman in my life
To Him I truly pleaded
Instead of just giving me what I wanted
He gave me exactly what I needed.

"Brandy," He said. "She's the one I shall join to you.
You might not always see eye-to-eye, but with MY help
there is nothing your marriage can't do."

So I trust that the Lord knows what He's doing,
and wrote this poem for a woman in dire need of woo-ing.

I guess he's not that bad... and he's always telling me that my blog is lopsided on my perspective. I tend to only write when I'm frustrated with him or angry. But, just to show you all who read that my husband really is a good guy, I thought today I'd write a good blog about him.

Love you Neil.

Negative Comments...

Sometimes it's really hard to feel love toward my husband when I feel negativity coming my direction. Maybe I'm the one who needs to change and let things go more. However, I feel like my ideas aren't valued. It is often the case where I come up with an idea about something or other and Neil disagrees with me and I feel like I have to fight with him and defend my idea before he finally "allows" it, as if I need a person in my life who "allows" my ideas. I do often feel like I'm being controlled. It's to the point now where I can anticipate an argument if I bring up something that might initiate a change in what we've already been doing or anything for that matter. For example, we've been keeping our broom and dustpan in the kitchen since we've been living together. The reason why we did that at our apartment was because there was no where else to put it. Now, in our house we have a laundry room that is connected to the kitchen. I thought it would be a good idea to keep the broom back there because it's not often that I see a broom as a staple kitchen decoration. Since we have the space we should use it. So I asked Neil, "What do you think about putting the broom in the laundry room instead of the kitchen?" His reply,
"No, I don't like that idea. I like it to be in the kitchen because I use it so much and can have immediate access to it."
My thoughts are ... so??? you can't walk an extra 4 feet to grab it out of the laundry room? I don't understand why that is such a big deal. You might agree with me that this argument is petty, but it's the little stuff like this that goes on daily in our marriage which causes me to feel unloved at times. It would be nice for me to offer up an idea or solution to something and be told that my idea was a good one... or even just hear, "oh yeah, that's fine with me." rather than feeling like I always have to have an argument ready to defend my point. It would be nice to be told that I did a good job when I offered help or was asked to help with something, it's more often that I hear criticism and am told how I could do better next time or what I did wrong. I think Paul was on to something when he wrote,
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29

Then again, maybe by posting this blog, I have fallen into the same problem as my husband. Oh the irony.

Time

I learned from Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages that my love language is quality time. Today has been a long day...

I was off from work, Neil was at work. It's company week. He told me that he would be out with his coworkers for a little while after work today. And I was fine with that... well a little.

I decided today, that since I had hours to myself, from the time I woke up at 10am until this evening, that I would be lazy and enjoy myself.. choosing to do whatever activities I wanted to do at the time... which consisted of eating junk food (which Neil hates to see), watching That 70s Show (which Neil also hates to watch) and practicing my guitar (which is difficult to do with an audience). I spent a lot of time today doing these things. I also lounged around on facebook and looked up information on different dogs on the internet as I'm trying to sway my husband into letting us adopt a pet.

Neil called me after work and reminded me that he would be home later tonight. (Normally he would be home at 6.30) I asked him if he knew what time I would see him. I have felt that we haven't been as physical as I'd like to be so I wanted to do something like that tonight... and he told me 9pm. I was a little disappointed in this, but I reluctantly obliged and said ok, see you at 9. So for the next few hours, I played more guitar, sat outside on the porch, watched more tv, ate more junk food, played wheel of fortune on the computer... etc.

9.45 rolls around, and I haven't heard anything from Neil. I would have thought he would have called to let me know he was on his way home. I missed him so much because I hadn't seen him all day. Now granted, I know I'm a little co-dependent. I'm working on this. But God was definitely testing my patience and growth in that area today. I felt like I had accomplished so much by doing the things I liked to do on my own and not being to worried about Neil. So, at 9.45 I called him. He answered the phone in a cheery voice and I heard a lot of noise in the background. He was still at the party with his company. And I was hurt by this. I know I shouldn't have been, but I was. Like I said, my love language is quality time and I feel like we haven't been as close lately, so I wanted some time with him.

I started out the conversation calm and asked him what was up and when he would be home. And then I got a little nuts and jealous ... not only of his time but of the fact that he was out doing the very thing with his coworkers that I wish he would be willing to do with me. I felt hurt, alone and left out. I started crying. And then I felt guilty for crying because I just ruined his fun. Misery loves company I guess.

He says, "brandy, it's okay, I'll come home now."
I said, "no don't, I don't want you to come home..." What am I? Do I have Multiple Personality Disorder? Here I am, getting the one thing I wanted, but then I didn't want it anymore. Like I said, this was the guilt for ruining his night.

We get off the phone and at this point I'm sobbing.

Ten minutes later he calls me back to tell me he is on his way home. And I'm still dissatisfied. I feel like there is no way to fix this mess. I wanted some sort of communication... to let me know he was going to be gone longer than he was. And it was too late. I didn't get it and I made his night as bad as mine.

I guess I'm really clingy. He only goes out with his company twice a year. But I'm jealous. I wanted a little bit of time with him today... just a little. And his coworkers got 98% of it. I feel like I would've been happy if they only got 85% of it even... and in that I'm growing. Because in the past, I would've wanted more.

Sigh.

Fairy Tales and Chick Flicks Really Screwed Me Up

My favorite bedtime stories when I was a child were Cinderella, Rapunzel and Snow White. And even before I got married, The Notebook, How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days and Titanic were my films of choice. This created a monster in me.

I have some serious expectations for my husband... and they're not very fair.

1. Your husband will put your needs above his own or anyone else's (friends, family, etc).

2. Romantic gestures should be over the top and occur at least once a day.

3. He will always be the first to apologize and admit the conflict was his fault.

4. Your husband finds you drop dead gorgeous everyday, and is gaga over you... knowing that you are the best thing that has ever happened to him, no matter how much of a pain in the ass you might be.

5. As a matter of fact, he finds your annoying habits a bit quirky and endearing.

6. And he will change his annoying habits.

7. Sex will always be romantic- candles lit all over the room, rose petals on the bed, no need for more than one minute of foreplay and soft sensual music cued up in the background...and never an awkward moment.

8. He will be artistic/poetic/musical and you will be his muse.

9. Your husband will never say anything wrong.

10. No matter what, he will always be happy to see you after a long day at work.

Notice some problems here? Maybe my expectations are unrealistic...

I'm actually figuring that out pretty quick. I grew up in a dysfunctional household, and I guess that all these love stories were my idea of an escape from that family life. I thought my husband would be my hero, my knight in shining armor, who would come to my rescue on his big white horse and fix everything that my parents were doing wrong. We would never argue or fight, like I did with my family, because we were in love and that love is perfect and nothing would ever get in the way of our gratitude toward each other.

But somehow, after the euphoria of finding Mr Perfect wore off... I learned that he's an imperfect person too. And my dysfunctional lifestyle has crept into my married life as well.. and I need to change it. I resort back to old habits of yelling, screaming, crying and running away...all the reactions I had toward conflict as a little girl. My growth in handling conflict somehow was stunted and hopefully I can train myself enough in the fruit of the spirit to know how to handle myself better in these situations.

Having these crazy expectations of my husband to be the person who fulfills all of my desires is unhealthy and damaging to our marriage. The only one who I will find fulfillment in is Christ, because he's the only one who is perfect when I'm not. I feel so sorry to my husband for placing all this pressure on him to be something for me which he can't possibly be. I just pray that God helps me to love him for who he is now and that we're able to grow together, learning from each other how to be more Christ-like to one another and to the world.

Oh, the holidays

Easter is this Sunday, and wow, I'm actually thinking more about it this year than I think I ever have. Typically, Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love the comfort of Christmas... the decorations, the children's plays, the big family gatherings with the huge family dinners, the gifts... I love getting gifts for other people, the music... "Chestnuts roasting.. on an open fire...Jackfrost nipping..at your nose..," I love the special Christmas Starbucks flavors and I really love all the fudge. So when I normally consider holidays, Christmas is the top of my list. Oh yeah, and I know we're celebrating the birth of Jesus. A joyous occasion... the birth of our savior.

So Easter, has always been a back burner holiday to me. I prefer Santa over an oversized rabbit, and I prefer stockings over a basket full of eggs. (Bunnies don't lay eggs, right?) But this year... I've been thinking of Easter a little differently... probably the way I should have been thinking of it all along. I think ever since I was a little girl, old enough to be told, my family shared with me the "real" meaning of Christmas and Easter. But I think I understood Christmas a little bit better than Easter. Maybe in my younger thinking, it was easier to get excited about a new baby than a 32 year old man- perfect man- being tortured on the cross and coming back to life. Good Friday was never really explained to me, or observed in my family. My parents weren't faithful church goers... and when I decided to go to church on my own, I don't remember a lot of emphasis placed on the "Holy Week." I think that's where my husband, in his catholic upbringing, benefited a little more than I did. The Holy Week tells the story of Jesus, day by day; here are some worth noting...

Palm Sunday- Jesus rode in on a donkey. The crowd cheering him on... worshiping the messiah.. and the whole time he knew what was ahead in the next few days.
Holy Thursday- The day Jesus foreshadowed to his disciples what was going to happen, and of course he instituted the Lord's Supper.
Good Friday- Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss... Jesus was taken into Roman custody, beaten nearly to death, forced to carry a cross up a hill, where he was then nailed to it and he bled out his perfect life, to save us from ourselves.
Easter Sunday- The resurrection... The tomb was rolled away and empty. Jesus appeared to the disciples and told them to tell the rest of the world about him, so that his sacrifice would save the world.

Wow. That's a remarkable story. There is so much emotion, drama and love in it... and it's a TRUE STORY. Not a fairy tale. I think as a kid, hearing about these stories of Jesus, and bible stories in general... you might think it's a fairy tale. But when you consider it a real story... something that happened in history... it becomes personal. On Palm Sunday, it was us celebrating his arrival. On Holy Thursday, he was talking to us at the table of the Last Supper. On Good Friday, it wasn't just Judas who betrayed him with a kiss. It was me and you. It wasn't just the Romans who beat him nearly to death. You and I did that. We nailed him to the cross. We mocked him. We told him we hated him. Every time we sin... every time we let our pride get in the way, every time we are dishonest, when we take something that doesn't belong to us... when we cheat, when we dishonor other people, ... when we _____ (fill in the blank)... we are the ones slashing his back. We are the ones spitting on him. We are the ones pressing the crown of thorns on his head. We are the ones... and he said...

Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.

Yeah.

He said, They don't know what they're doing. Have mercy on them.

About us.

That's what Good Friday is about.

"And all of the sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me."

He must love us a lot, huh?

And a miracle followed, because death couldn't keep him. He beat it. He came back from the grave. It does make it sound like a story... like a fairytale. But it's not! It really happened!

"Christ is risen from the dead...trampling over death by death... come awake, come awake.. come and rise up from the grave..."

Easter is so much more than getting excited about spring; chocolate bunnies and speckled eggs. A real man... a real perfect man, loved me so much... he wanted to save me from myself. He went through hell and back (literally) to demonstrate his love... and all he asks for is my time. He wants me to follow in his footsteps and dedicate my life to his cause. After hell and back, is it really that much to ask? We owe him our lives... after what we did to him and what he has done for us... and he just wants a relationship.

Now, that's what I call romantic. It kinda puts both Christmas and Easter in a better light. Christmas- the birth of our savior... Easter- the resurrection of our savior...It's all pretty much about the same thing. We are free in Christ.

"Like a rolling stone, Like a runaway train... no turning back, no more yesterdays... my heart is free... no chains on me... God you raise me up, up from the grave with the cross before me, I'm on my way.. my heart is free...
No chains on me..."

Happy Easter.

I'm So Blessed....

Hooray! I've been accepted into the graduate social work program at SIUE! I'm going to grad school for sure :)

Neil and I are taking a vacation to Jamaica, our belated honeymoon in less than a month.

We're buying our first house after we get back from Jamaica!

Life is so wonderful. God is so good.

Here is my dilemma...

"One must train the habit of Faith. The first step is to realize that moods change...We have to be continually reminded of what we believe....(Faith) must be fed....if you examined a hundred people who had lost their faith in Christianity, I wonder how many of them would turn out to have been reasoned out of it by honest argument? Do not most people simply drift away?" CS Lewis, Mere Christianity

I forget how good he is. I forget the things he does for me. When I found out I got accepted into grad school... something that I had been praying for... for months, I was thrilled for a few hours. The excitement wore off... and I continued to be ungrateful. The same thing happened when I found out we got the house.

Why is the human condition this way? Why do some things make us happy and then we forget and move on? We get so used to things so quickly.. we take everything for granted. Well, when I say "we," I'm assuming other people are just like me. So maybe I should say "I," because for all I really know, I could be the only one. But I don't think I am. According to Sonja Lyubomirsky, psychological author of "The How of Happiness," circumstances only make up 10% of our overall happiness. This means that 90% is up to us- our biological disposition and our own choices. So maybe I'm not alone in that.

I just pray overall that with God's help I can be a more happy and grateful person. I really do have a lot to be happy about. Sometimes, I wonder if I have a mental illness... no matter how hard I try to be happy, it is so shortly-lived and it makes me feel like something is really wrong.

For example, I love my husband and then I dislike him.. and then I love him again. All within an hour time span.

Any thoughts? I'm going to keep on going forward... and praying to God...

Thank you for my loving husband
Thank you for answering my prayers about grad school
Thank you for our new home
Thank you for our upcoming trip
Thank you for financial security
Thank you for worship music
Thank you for your overall presence, revealed in my life by the little things...
Everyday.

Amen.

Limbo

Limbo is an awful place to be...

I have a lot riding on whether or not I'm accepted into a graduate program. I'm a little bummed that I still haven't heard anything. I called the school and they said that I should know on or around April 15. That's a week from now, and I already feel like I've waited long enough. Here is why I'm dying to know:

I want to register for classes.
I want to know if it's worth all the sweat to try to get an assistantship... it would feel like a waste to do all that work and find out it was for nothing.
I need to know if my student loans are going to be deferred because Neil and I are planning on taking out a mortgage...
I want to know if I should start looking for a full time job with my Bachelor's degree.
I want to know if I should start preparing for being a college student again.
I need to be able to plan the rest of my life!!!

How come they can't just tell me already? :(

Marriage is hard.

I'm parked outside my apartment, furiously playing wheel of fortune...and I'm super pissed. Just yesterday, I asked my husband if I could borrow his student ID so that I might have the opportunity to go work out at siue's gym. Yeah, it's against the rules... but it's not like he's getting any use out of his student activity fees. I didn't go today... it was all snowy and gross outside. I only left the house to go to the store to buy ingredients for tomato soup... my husband's request. After dinner, I offered to watch a movie with my husband that he had chosen... one he knows that I dislike but he thinks if I watch it with him... I'll like it better or something. I offered to watch this show with him to make him happy. Before we get to the show, he asked me if I had gone to work out. Which is silly, because he knew the answer since I told him that I hadn't left the house but to go to the store. So that pissed me off in itself. He asked me if I was planning on going to work out tomorrow morning between us visiting with our realtor to make an offer on our house and me driving to springfield to spend time with my grandmother. Excuse me? No. That does not sound appealing whatsoever. If anything, being a more relational being, if I'm not coming back home to take a nap after our early endeavor with the realtor, then I'd more likely head to springfield and visit my grandma for the whole day. So I told him, "no, that's not really what I want to do." Of course, that escalated into an argument... which before it did, I had a sense that it was going to and calmly asked Neil to drop the subject... "let's go watch a movie instead." He WOULDN'T LET IT GO. "No.. I want to talk with you." He said. BAD MOVE. What the eff is his problem anyway? He doesn't work out and he thinks he has the right to tell me to exercise?!!!! What does he want from me? He makes me feel like I'm fat... or that if I gain weight he's going to have a huge problem with it. What a vain jerk. It was my idea to go work out in the first place... not even 24 hours pass and he's expecting that I should have hit the gym already. I'll do it when I damnwell please. I have no where to go... and I don't want to sleep in the same room as him. So I'm out in my car trying to figure out what to do. Marriage is hard.

and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true

The past couple years sure have been a time of growth and improvement in my life. I got married; I graduated from college with my 2nd degree; I've inherited a wonderful family; I'm going to church regularly.... things are just getting better. I'm still at a midpoint in that I'm waiting patiently to hear from graduate programs on my pending acceptance but life just keeps going on and improving! I feel like I'm moving on up in the world... so to speak. :) I'm 25 years old and married to a wonderful hard-working man who is wise in more ways than one. And praise God for his keen financial intellect and discipline, because we were pre-approved for a mortgage! We're getting a house! This makes me so happy because never in my life have I been in a home that wasn't rented. The plan is to have the house chosen, the contract made up and hopefully ready to move in by the end of June... when our current lease on our apt is up.

I've spent a lot of time in the past couple days looking at houses. It was fun at first, but I'm already tired of it. We have a lot to figure out. Our budget is $100-$125 with a few zeroes and we're looking for some pretty specific things. The top of Neil's must have list: 2 car garage; 2 bathrooms; 3 bedrooms. The top of my list: 3 bedrooms; large kitchen/dining room; absolutely NO WOODEN PANELING. Ick.

It's tough to find exactly what you want for the price you plan to pay... and I wonder if we find a house listed for more than our budget how far down we might be willing to negotiate. It will be a learning experience for sure.

Thinking about having this house with my husband and raising our future children in it is pretty darn exciting. It has given Neil and I a lot of positive conversation material... and even though we disagree on some things and necessities, I really do think it will be a positive experience if we keep God involved. Still working on that whole not being irritable thing... it's hard. Relationships are work. But it's definitely the fun things that make it all worth it :) I can't imagine house shopping with anyone else!

Heavenly Father,
Thanks for all the blessings you have poured out in my life. Help me to count them when it's easy to overlook them.
Amen.

"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high...
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby...
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue...
and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true...."

The Love Dare: Love is not rude.

So the other day I checked out a book at the library called "the love dare." You read a short chapter each day (about 3 pages) and at the end of the chapter it gives you a "dare" or something to work at in relation with showing your spouse unconditional love. It also has a space in the book to journal your thoughts and feelings but since it's a library book, I don't think they would appreciate me writing my thoughts and feelings in the book and I really don't want everyone who checks out the book to be distracted by my opinions :). So I'll go ahead and journal my thoughts here.

The dare for the chapter "Love is not rude" was to "Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only." Luckily for me, my husband is willing to read books with me so we work on these dares together. After reading the chapter, we sat together and discussed the things that bother us. I was happy to unload the things that bother me lol... but it was a little bit harder to listen to the things that get under his skin. In this chapter the author states that you may not realize how unpleasant you can be to live with... the questions they use to test yourself were difficult for me... particularly the first one. Before I tell you that question.. the others were "How does your behavior affect your mate's sense of worth?" and "Would your husband or wife say you're a blessing, or that you're condescending and embarassing?" I honestly feel that Neil and I would both agree that the other person is a blessing to have in our lives, which gives me a lot of hope in our marriage. Sometimes I feel like we're doomed for failure when we argue so much, but we really do have a lot of good things in our relationship that make us strong. I don't think we're too far gone...we both want our love to last and are willing to work at it. It just takes A LOT of work. It's important for us to remember how much that other person IS a blessing in our lives, and it will help us to love and respect them much more. The question that I felt like I failed was "How does your spouse feel about the way you speak and act around them?" I can't answer for Neil obviously... and when I asked him about the three things that bother him this one didn't come up. But he really only gave me 2, even though he gave me 3 because I feel like a couple of them went together. I'll get to that later... but Neil has told me in the past that it bothers him when I call him names. And in my anger, I blame him and tell him he provoked me to it but a mature person shouldn't do such things. In the past when I have felt irritated I have called him an "asshole," a "jack-ass," a "smart-ass," etc. Apparently I like to call him an ass. I don't know why I do that. I guess at the time I just really want to hurt him and that's how I do it... but wanting to hurt someone is the opposite of what love is. It doesn't matter if they've hurt you or upset you... So personally, that's the one I'm going to work on the hardest.

Now the three things that he said I could work on were:

1. to have a better attitude towards his personal requests, not an attitude of "defiance."
2. procrastinating on requests.
3. keeping personal belongings in their designated place.

I feel like 1 and 2 go together. So that's why I added the fourth one that I talked about beforehand. I feel like I handled this conversation pretty well because most of it we had talked about before, and since I knew the subject matter before we started talking about it, I was more prepared to swallow the big pill. I think that in this scenario I was more open to listening to what he had to say and not so much just trying to get past the conversation so that we could move on and not pay it any mind in practice. The things he listed were a little hard to take in because my excuse is that those things are just part of my personality. I leave my glasses in the bathroom because I don't care if they sit there all day... out of sight out of mind. I'm rebellious. You tell me to do something and I'm going to do the opposite just to piss you off. But that's not love. Love stretches out of its own comfort to accommodate the needs of others. And even if I don't understand the reason why Neil wants my jewelry in one spot or my glasses in their case and not on the bathroom sink, it will only benefit our relationship to put them away. It's just hard to remember sometimes. I just hope he forgives me when I forget to keep up with it... and I know he'll be reading this eventually... a gentle reminder would be okay.

Lord, please help me to demonstrate love to my husband on a daily basis, even when it's doing something that is not natural for me. I pray that you give me reminders on how I can keep up with those things and that you give me opportunities to demonstrate self control with my tongue.
Amen.

PS I have a graduate school interview tomorrow for clinical adult at siue :) Pray that it goes well!

I think I'm on the way to figuring it out....

How do you achieve marital bliss was my last question on this blog. Of course, that question is very complex and I only think I've figured out a piece to the puzzle. I also think that this puzzle piece can be applied to more than just marriage... but overall happiness in life. I've discovered joy. Joy is not a mere emotion that comes and goes based on your circumstances. Joy is an attitude and a choice... a choice to accept the gift that God has given us. We can't create joy for ourselves, but we can experience it by choosing to remember how blessed we are in this life by God and his goodness.

At the church Neil and I have recently started to attend, they are doing a nine week series on the fruits of the spirit. The second fruit is joy. The pastor really enlightened me about this overlooked fruit. It is so important to be joyful in life... God created us for his own pleasure, naturally he would want us to experience joy from our existence as well. I feel like this is where I've been going wrong in my own life... especially recently. And even when I look back at my past experiences, and I consider the hardest times I've gone through in life, I've noticed that my joy was lacking. Now, some might think that's like what came first? The chicken or the egg? ... Was I not joyful because my ex-fiance was cheating on me? How can anyone be joyful in that situation? Was I not joyful because I felt like my relationship with my mother was strained? Isn't it normal for teenage girls to have mood swings?

These things could explain my dark periods in life... but I think they could just be poor excuses. Granted, when my ex cheated on me (more than one time), it was justified that I felt heartbroken and betrayed. But the truth is... to this day, I consider that wrong-doing and I still feel pain. God doesn't want us to do that to ourselves. To experience the joy of Jesus is to live in the present, reflecting on the good things in our lives.

A lot of times when Neil and I argue about something, I have a hard time letting it go. Then, I begin to think about all the things we've argued about... or how often we've been arguing recently... and it makes me sad. I think about the things he does that bother me... and I rack my brain for all the negative things I can come up with. And sometimes, after I've done all that...I go back further in my past. I think about all the regrets and mistakes I've made. I wonder how come my ex cheated on me and if I could be lovable. I even blame myself for his unfaithfulness. I wonder if Neil and I would have a better marriage if I was a better person before we met. And those are the lies that Satan likes to tell me. It's an awful cycle. I'm sad, so I think of sad things and it makes me sadder.. etc. And it's all because Satan wants to suck the joy right out of my heart. Why?

Because God wants joy in my heart. He wants to give me and everyone in the world his unending love and joy. And I think that's a key to marital bliss. Joy in marriage... remembering to be thankful that you have a husband who loves you no matter what stupid thing you do or say and that out of all the women in the world, he chose you as his wife...remembering God's love and grace and forgiveness toward you and all of your mistakes so that when your spouse makes a mistake (or many mistakes) you pass on that same grace to them...remembering the good and letting go of the bad... this is how you achieve a piece of marital bliss. But we can't do it alone... we definitely need God's help. He's the continual reminder of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Hey! Maybe all of those things are the way to marital bliss... and eternal bliss. I'm not perfect, but in my weakness, he is strong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQo2FJPLeQk

I've got that joy joy joy joy down in my heart! *where?
down in my heart! *where? down in my heart!
I've got that joy joy joy joy down in my heart... down in my heart to stay!
And I'm so happy, so very happy
I've got the love of Jesus in my h-e-a-r-t
Yes I'm so happy so very happy
I've got the love of Jesus in my heart!

How do you achieve marital bliss?

Why do I feel like my husband thinks he has to babysit me? I'm putting my best foot forward to be patient with him. Even when he irritates me, I try to politely tell him how I feel and it always turns into a huge ordeal. I feel like he has never really trusted that I can get by without his help. Probably because he's been helping me from day one. I feel like my independence has been stripped away. I don't want to be entirely independent, we're married after all. But I do want him to trust that there are some things I can do without him reminding me all the time. For example, if there is something on my list of things to do... and the day has just started and I'm still working on checking things off... he doesn't need to remind me to do them!!!!!! Sigh. I hope tonight is a good night for us. I'm tired of arguing every night. I want us both to be in better moods. How does anyone achieve marital bliss? Is it possible?

A New Year

It's the beginning of a new year again. Naturally, that causes people to reflect on the past year... or two... or however many they feel like I guess. So many milestones this year... where to begin?

Tried and failed to workout on a regular basis... what's new? Maybe if I chat with the chiropractor, he'll give me permission to zumba again... we shall see.

Quit, what in my opinion, was the worst job in the world (teller at a bank) to work in a more fun environment as a server at Red Robin. Even though I've had my ups and downs at this new job... I'd much rather work somewhere that keeps me busy and not watching the clock all the time.

I planned and attended my wedding.... married my best friend in the world... and we've almost known each other for two years now :)

I graduated from SIUE with my BS (bach of science even though I had to go through a lot of BS to finally finish it...) in psychology...preparing for graduate school, if they like me enough.

Life is good. And it's all for God's glory. Maybe to glorify him more... I can work on a few other things.

1. My primary goal for the year is to be more patient with my husband. He's a gift from God and I love him so much... I hate that I can't help but become easily annoyed by him sometimes. I know it's in my power to change with God's help. If I really want to show Neil how much I love him... I need to be patient with him, kind to him, forgive him and overcome our obstacles together with him. That's a HUGE goal... baby steps...

2. Get involved with the community. I want to volunteer and help other people... No school for 8 months... besides working extra hours, reaching out to others is a good use of my time... along with..

3. Keeping the house clean. Eh.. this is gonna be hard. I don't care about it as much as Neil. But, my desk is clean and that's a start! Working on the laundry now... and who knows what else might get done when I'm at home! ... I'll keep you updated :) lol.

4. Read more books. Maybe I could go to the library and get a card. I'd like to learn more about classic literature. Funny (as in irony) how I'm interested in reading when it's not being forced on me. God only knows when grad school starts, I won't have time for enjoyable reading again. So I think it'd be good to take advantage of the opportunity I have now.

5. Hit the gym. Even if I can't do zumba... I really want to be active. So sick of all my sweet-tooth cravings going straight to my hips.

6. Most importantly, I have to work on being a better imitator of Jesus.* In everything I do, all of these goals listed here... I need to do them with His attitude. That's a big one to work on, but I think I can do it.** :)

Happy New Year

*Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:1-2)

**I can do all things through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)