Worry Wart

I love my new husband. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me... but he is a worry wart. He has the "worry virus." And it's a little contagious. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that we were raised soooo differently (even though we also have a lot in common). My family has gone without and we survived. Now, when I say "gone without," what I mean is... there were times we didn't have a telephone, cable tv, money to go out to eat, etc. But we always had our necessities met. Now, I don't really agree with my mother's sense of work ethic and how we had our necessities met, but I've always known that God is watching out for me. And I'm still trying to accept that nothing that I have is mine... it is all a gift from Him. I believe that even though growing up was very difficult for me at times because I was teased for not having nice clothes or the newest gadget or even enough money to join the poms squad or take music lessons, in a way... it was all a blessing because I know how to depend on God even when things look bleak.

It's really hard for me to relate to Neil when he panics about our financial situation. Combined, him and I make more money in a month than my family of three or four (depending on the mood of my mother)lived off of when I was younger. I look at our situation and I feel blessed compared to where I've been before. I realize that God asks us to be good stewards of his gifts and that just because we have faith doesn't mean we should go out and spend all we have... but I'm not really worried about where we're at. Neil is. And it gets to me when his mood rubs off on me. I've changed my job 3 times in the past two years. I don't want to keep changing jobs because he feels like I'm not making enough money. I just graduated from college two days ago... I wish he'd just give me a chance to try to work extra shifts.

He says that he wants me to find something else because it's not worth the 25 minute drive to work for only $50. When I was younger, $50 was worth a 25 minute drive. He says that I'm not getting enough hours. He's right. BUT, I haven't even asked for more hours yet. I don't think the logical step after not getting enough hours is to quit your job and look for another one... I think the next step would be to talk to my boss about my hours.

He makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. But I'm really trying. It's hard when the holidays are around the corner and my graduation ceremony is a day away to want to change my availability right now. But I will in time. I'm just asking for a week.

I love him. But he needs to calm down and trust God. Maybe that's why I'm in his life. God doesn't want us to depend on our imperfect selves... he wants us to depend on him... that's how we get closer to him... by trusting him with everything.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you, not harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

I'm Mrs Neil Mutschler

Four days ago, I married my best friend. It was really the perfect day. (Thank you so much God for being there and making it an amazing experience). It was everything I had hoped for and more. Ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed about my wedding day. Now that it has come and gone, as I reflect on it... it was better than I had imagined. See, as a young girl, I remember thinking about the day and I would consider walking down the isle with everyone looking at me as the bride, I remember making a mental checklist of who would be there to see it all unfold... I remember being concerned about the "audience's point of view." But when I walked down the isle, my focus zoomed in on my husband to be. I was only concerned about him and what his thoughts were, the expression on his face to see me as his bride. I wasn't concerned about any past experiences or the future to come. I was only present in that very moment. During the ceremony, I felt alone with him and God, (and the pastor)... I didn't care about the audience's perspective, I was in the moment with him. It's an odd yet wonderful feeling to be surrounded by friends and family and yet you feel like there is no one else in the world besides you and your husband.

I felt so blessed by God on that day, for He has definitely provided me with people in my life who love Neil and I, and even people who didn't know us were blessing us on that day as well. All of our vendors went out of their way to make our day special, and my amazing friends and bridesmaids were adding special touches to the wedding and keeping me from being stressed about details. As a matter of fact, I wasn't stressed at all that day, just excited.

And now, I get to spend the rest of my life with my favorite person, my best friend, my husband. God really loves us to have put us together.

Charisma

Weird wedding dreams again. Must mean it's getting closer! (Only 4 days now!) In my dream, we didn't bring our decorations to the reception, whoops. And I married someone else who is already married instead of Neil. That was weird... and it made me really sad because in my dream I kept saying "I was supposed to marry Neil...." and I was so very happy when I woke up and realized it was all just a dream.

My back has been going in and out of pain again lately. It got pretty bad this past week, so I made an extra visit to the chiropractor. I actually have another appointment with him today. Hopefully, that will do me in until Friday. I have a massage scheduled the day before the wedding too...

Yesterday, Neil and I tried another church. I heard about it as I was talking to a girl in my art class. The church is really small, they meet in a house, but it's not someone else's house, it's the building that used to be someone's house. They actually started meeting in a person's home but now they meet in a small house. It was so different than anything I've been to, but it was good. Since the church was so small, people actually noticed that we were new and came up to us to introduce themselves. I think that's what I liked most... it seemed like everyone was pretty genuine. The worship was very charismatic, compared to the churches Neil and I have been to in the past, but I kind of liked that too. The teaching wasn't as structured as we're used to. I wasn't too crazy about that. I think that it's good to have some focus somewhere. The teaching had a point though... which I agreed with wholeheartedly. The point was "We're nothing; Jesus is everything." And all of the verses backed that point up. But we just flipped a lot between verses and I guess I'd like to really focus on one passage to understand it better. But overall, I felt like it was a good experience. Neil and I chatted about it and he told me he'd be willing to go again with me, but he didn't seem sold on it a hundred percent. He's used to a more reverent style of church. I guess it's just really attractive to meet people who don't seem like they're judging you or that they're fake. Time will tell though... I hate that I'm skeptical about people. But too often I have put my trust in what I thought were good people and have been let down. *With the exception of Neil :) and a few people from our last church. Anyway, I had such a good day yesterday after we left the new church, it made me want to go back. I'll let you know more about it later.

I don't know how often I'll have a chance to blog before the wedding.... but maybe I will again because I'll have a lot on my mind!

Who knew The Beatles were so romantic?

Just so you know, the title of this blog is a little sarcastic, but it's good sarcasm :). A few days ago, Neil and I watched the movie "Pleasantville" and there's a Beatles song that was remade for that movie, you might have heard it: "Across the Universe." Neil really liked that song, and I was interested in listening to the original. So, I looked it up on YouTube and of course, YouTube has a million of "If you like this video, click on this video..." So I was listening to a lot of Beatles songs and it hit me....

I really like the Beatles. When I was younger, I didn't get the hoopla when my parents and teachers and adults would talk about how there was a "Beatles craze" when they first came to the states because they had long hair and all the girls went gaga over them. Lol. But their music is so much fun!

So on our way back from Springfield, (after our last premarital counseling session!) I asked Neil if we could stop at Best Buy because I wanted to buy a Beatles CD. For some stupid reason, the Beatles music isn't available to purchase on iTunes. But anyway, Neil was like, "eh... I've had a long day, I kind of just want to go home." And I said "ok" reluctantly but just trying to understand and thought I could go back to get the CD some other time. Well, then he surprised me and took me to get the CD anyway :).

Best $13 ever spent! (I had $4 store credit lol). I got the "1" album and popped it in when we got home. Neil and I did a couple chores in the kitchen and then went into the living room to listen to the disc. At first we sat on the couch and kind of bobbed around in place singing "I wanna hold your hand." And then Neil had enough of that. He got me up off the couch and we danced together. And it was so much fun! I was a little nervous about it because my back has been going through so much trauma lately... but it was so nice to have a distraction. And it was really good for Neil and I. In the middle of our dancing, Neil had me smiling and laughing so much that my cheeks were hurting.

When we first started dating, we used to dance together all the time. We still have on and off over the period of our relationship and it's always been fun. I love having him hold me close and I love it when he spins me around and dips me and kisses me all over! It's good for us to have those times in our relationship; it keeps things fresh and at the same time reminds me of how much fun we had together when we first fell in love with each other.

And on a different note, last night I was watching the show "King of the Hill" and it was hysterical because Hank threw his back out while trying to lift two giant tanks of propane... and I felt like I could relate! lol. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0hYOntx4Yg
Anyway it had me cracking up to the point of tears because Hank is bent over like an old man and his son Bobby walks by and says "Are you okay Dad? Maybe you should try walking it off." To that he responds, "That's a good idea Bobby, I'll try that later." OH my! I'm still laughing as I type it. You might be wondering how this relates to my Beatles story.

Here's my bottom line:

Laughter and The Beatles combined... is the best medicine! (I slept the whole night through last night and didn't wake up with back pain). Thanks God for answering my prayers. :)

I feel like I'm hexed

It's like this.... there's so much to be happy about and "Satan," "The Devil," or "The Enemy" ... whatever you want to call that asshole is trying to steal my joy. Here I have been for months, back not bothering me. Then, of course, a month before my wedding, my muscles spasm twice as much to make up for lost time or something. There's also another health issue going on which I just found out about last week... but I'd rather not share that with the world. And I'm getting gray hairs at age 24. On top of all this, my classes are extremely demanding and I'm stressed out. I feel like this isn't fair. Why on earth do things like this always happen to me? It's like one minute I feel like things are going great but then the next minute I can't reap the enjoyment out of the things good in my life. I wish that focker would just leave me alone.

God,
Please fill me with your holy spirit. Have mercy on my body which is going through so much agony. Help me to put all this pain aside and to enjoy my wedding day. Help me to enjoy the next few weeks, too. God, you are all powerful and caring. This is what your word says to us. In your word, I read about Jesus healing the blind and raising the dead.... surely stopping my muscle spasms in my back is child's play compared to those things. God, will you please relieve my pain?
Amen

Damn Scoliosis

Only 21 days to go... well more like 20 now... and my back is giving me problems. God, please, please make my back feel better. I went to the chiropractor again today, an emergency visit because I was in so much pain last night and at work today. I felt immediate relief after he worked his magic. But then at home, while watching a movie, my back started bothering me again. My only prayer at this point is that my crooked spine stops causing me so many problems and that I can make it through our wedding day. It's the day I've been looking forward to all my life... and back pain is something I didn't imagine being a part of it. If you've never gone through back pain, or if you've never been with someone as they're going through back pain... you might just think I'm being a big baby. But it's the worst pain I've ever felt. I've never given birth... so we'll see if it's worse someday. But I hope it's not.

Last night we went to small group and it was really nice. Our group threw us a mini-shower :). They had cupcakes for us from the cupcakery (my favorite place ever) and a nice card and gift for us. We thought that was very thoughtful and a great blessing.

I'm off work this weekend. No plans for Halloween... I don't feel like dressing up like a slut and getting wasted... and I'm too old for trick or treating. I would want to cuddle on the couch and watch the Nightmare Before Christmas or something with my lover... but our couch makes my back hurt. Damn back. I guess we'll see what the weekend holds. 3 weeks until I'm Mrs Mutschler. I have a lot to be happy about. What gives me the right to ask God for more blessings like healing for my back? ... I guess it's awesome that He cares about us as much as He does. Because I know he hears my cry and understands my pain.

Thanks God for being here with me. Please bring me comfort and relieve my pain. Help me to mentally prepare for the wedding in the next few weeks, and help me to focus on what it means to be a woman of God and a good wife to Neil. I love you. Amen.

This is really going to happen

25 days. In 25 days I will be Mrs. Neil Mutschler. :) OMG! 25 days ago it was the last day of September! That is going to be here so soon! I've been anxiously awaiting the wedding day because well honestly, I just want it to be over lol. I mean, I know it's going to be a wonderful day, but all this planning and organizing and directing and deciding has been so much work and I'm ready to be finished with it. I just want to enjoy being the wife to a wonderful husband. But I have to admit... When I looked at the calendar just now and considered how short 25 days actually is, I panicked a little. Not a bad panic. Maybe panic isn't the right word. I guess I've been so busy keeping track of the days and getting excited about it arriving that it just caught me by surprise that when the day actually gets here, it's going to be HUGE. It means so much. It's going to be life-changing. I mean, not so life-altering like I don't think I can get used to it... but life-changing in the sense that for the first time ever, I will have security and peace. Being with Neil has changed my life for the better...and the day we say our vows, we are making the real commitment to be with each other through everything-good or bad. I've never had anyone make a promise to me like that before... and I've never been expected to promise this to anyone before. I'm so lucky to have someone in my life who I trust with everything... who I know will always love me and try his hardest to not let me down. Of course, everyone makes mistakes. But when I think about all the things I've gone through in my life... family members who I don't know; my parents' ridiculous relationship with each other; my dad's drug addiction; my mom's selfishness; our family's low economic status as a kid.... things have never been stable. I'm used to rocky roads. I feel like whatever life throws our way, Neil and I will conquer it. We're both strong people. We both love each other so much. And wow.... in 25 days, we're going to make promises to each other and to God that we'll keep forever. We'll never leave each other. I know that I can trust him with all my heart. It's an amazing feeling. I don't know why God chose to bless me this way. I know I didn't do anything to deserve him... but I'm going to treasure him forever.

Wedding Woes

Okay, so I hate to complain about this stuff. But I have to get it off my chest. Are people that ignorant when it comes to proper etiquette? Not with just weddings, but any party, it's all pretty much the same common sense stuff.

1. It is rude to invite yourself to someone's wedding. If you didn't get an invitation, it might sting, but c'mon. We haven't spoken in over a year and we were never that close to begin with... why would you send me a message on facebook asking to come to my wedding? Do you not realize that your seat is expensive? Close friends and family only, sorry.

2. Similar to number one, don't invite someone else to come to a wedding with you unless you specifically have permission from the bride and groom. I mean, really? I know I should be nicer about this, but I'm a cheapskate. I invited my aunt and uncle and cousin... not my aunt, uncle, cousin and aunt's sister-in-law; whom I have only met one time and she wasn't very nice to me either. Why would I want to pay for someone I don't know or like to dine at my wedding? What gives you the right to invite someone else without asking me? And that also goes for my friends who have added dates without asking me. It's one thing if you aren't going to know anyone there. But the reason why you didn't get a plus one is because you know quite a few people there. What is your problem?

3. SO TIRED OF YOUR OPINIONS. I have learned the hard way to NOT talk to other people about what we are incorporating in our wedding. (this is especially true for in laws). I hate feeling crushed after something I thought was such a cute idea gets trampled on by other people's negativity. It's not your wedding and it's not your business. Yes, my dress has a different stylistic element than yours did. Yes, we are taking pictures before the ceremony. No, we are not using traditional music. Yes, we ARE having a dollar dance. No, we are not getting married in a church. Yes, GOD WILL STILL BE THERE!

4. And lastly, this goes along with number 1 and 2. Your new boyfriend whom you invited to my wedding without asking me, (the guy I went to high school with and never talked to) is not allowed at my BACHELORETTE party. Yeah, someone actually asked me this. I have no idea what she was thinking.

It feels good to get all that off my chest. :) The wedding is in 36 days.... I can't wait!

What has church become?

I offered to help volunteer for our church's youth group. If you recall earlier in one of my posts, I explained the application process and how I was worried I might not be able to help. After that, I had spoken with the youth minister and he told me things would work out and everything would be fine. So... I attended the youth group for two weeks in a row and sat in on a small group as well. I didn't go last week because the "milk chug" did not sound appealing to me. Imagine it, and you probably wouldn't like it either. So this week, I show up with my Bible in hand and as I walk up to the kiosks where they keep track of attendance (I don't get the purpose of having all the kids sign into the computer for that either by the way) a woman whom I have never met, or at least don't remember meeting, stops me dead in my tracks and says, "You! Wait over here with me for a minute." So I stand next to her, silently, as all the kids pile in and she directs the traffic. I'm so confused at this point. The thoughts going through my head are: Am I supposed to be helping her with something? Does she think I'm a student? I'm totally unaware. So after about three minutes of standing in bewilderment, I ask her "So... if you don't mind, could you tell me why I'm standing here?"
"(Youth Minister's Name) asked me to talk to you. We understand that you've been sitting in on one of the girl's small groups and you're not supposed to be doing that since you live with your boyfriend."

Double whammy. Talk about a slap in the face. I'm under the impression that even though my FIANCE (side note: fiance, not boyfriend... he's going to be my husband in two months. I felt like that downplayed our relationship quite a bit) and I live together, and I had explained to almost the whole church staff that we are not having sex and we're trying live inside God's guidelines, that the youth minister still felt I could volunteer and they could use me in the youth group. This is what was conveyed to me, anyway.

So I'm taken into a separate room and it is explained to me that I am not fit to be a student leader because of my lifestyle. To that I responded, (paraphrase) it's not like I was going to be wearing my living arrangements on my sleeve. After much discussion I'm told (in so many words) that the staff would treat an alcoholic leader the same way. This statement of course brings me to tears. I can't believe that is what I'm being compared to! My situation is completely different! Don't people know that there are plenty of couples that don't live together but they still have sex and/or spend the night with each other? Even though Neil and I live together, we don't have sex. We pray together, we read scripture together, we are growing together as a couple and with God at the center. Isn't that the point? This whole situation left a bad taste in my mouth and I began to question whether or not I even wanted to go back to church. I'm not fit to be a leader because I'm honest about my weaknesses and am still trying to do right... but who knows what could be going on in other people's lives? Has anyone ever heard of a church leader living a double lifestyle.. saying one thing and doing another? I know I have. You never know what a person is doing unless they are honest and open with you.

I was told that after Neil and I are married, I'm welcome to join on the youth group as a leader. Does that make any sense? If they feel as though my character is right for this role, what difference does a couple of months make? This is all legalities. The worst part in my head is that these girls that I got to know are going to wonder what happened to me...and then I'll be back in two months. So I asked, what do I do in the meantime. And I guess they're going to work on something for me.

However, This whole experience has left me feeling so upset and hurt. Honestly, I know that Neil and I living together might not have been the best decision at the time, but that decision has already been made. We are only two and a half months away from our wedding day. If Christ is willing to show a little grace, compassion and understanding, how come church is not? I understand that we should not budge on our core values.. but I also know that God doesn't see everything black and white. Every situation is different, there are shades of gray. It just becomes hard for church because "if we let one person slide, we have set a precedent." I just don't know what to think about any of this. I'm trying to figure out what God has to say about it all.

When it rains, it pours...

Today was overall a little dreary and sad. I really wasn't in the mood to go to classes... and honestly I don't feel like I learned much while I was there. After class, I came home and checked the mail. We got some more RSVPs for the wedding, so I thought that was cool :). But I didn't understand why one couple declined to attend even though they live in the same town as our wedding. I know I shouldn't be offended because I don't know what is going on with them that night... but my feelings were slightly hurt. They got a save the date months ago and it's not like they'd have to travel far. But then I thought about it some more and realized I'm not all that close to them anyway.. I was just hoping they'd come celebrate with us. After that, I checked my email to receive a message from my Aunt explaining to me that she, my grandmother and my other aunt on my dad's side aren't going to come to my bridal shower because my grandmother is attending her "annual school reunion," she already purchased the tickets for all three of them before because she didn't want to go by herself, and it's the day of the shower. I was a little baffled by that. I was really counting on at least my grandmother and aunt to show up, and neither are going to come. It really depresses me... I feel like I'm the back burner person sometimes. It's like people can take me or leave me... it's all whatever is convenient for them. I know I need to count my blessings, but it's hard when I feel like the people I really thought would be there for me, won't be. God says I'm special and that I matter in His eyes; I'm trying to grasp that in my sadness of this situation. I feel like the enemy is trying to make me feel not good enough... but God doesn't want me to believe that. And this cycle of depression gets worse for me because when a couple things happen that hurt my feelings in one day, for some reason I always go back throughout my entire life and remember things from years ago that have hurt me, and it convinces me that I'm not good enough and that I don't deserve anything that I've been given by God. Deep down, I know that's not true. It's just hard sometimes. I'm glad to say that at least no matter what happens in my relationships with my family, people who I thought were friends, or anyone else I come into contact with... that I will always have Neil. He sees something in me for some reason. He makes me feel like I'm important. That man is a true blessing in my life.... and geez I really need to remember that sometimes.

Zumba

I've been making it my mission to commit to zumba and keeping it as my workout routine. I was so excited about going today, and I even convinced Neil to go with me! If you do it right, man or woman, you really get a good work out... it has everything cardio and toning and it's an absolute blast. Neil felt awkward because he was the only guy. It's hard the first time anyone goes because you really have to pay attention to the moves and keep trying until you get it. But if you don't try and you just stand in the middle of the room, you draw more attention to yourself. What draws even more attention? Leaving only 15 minutes into the class. He didn't even give it a fair shot. He danced for one song. Didn't get the next song's moves easily. Gave up on the third song and then left the room. How could anyone enjoy working out after that? And he wonders why I'm upset with him. I just honestly thought if he would have tried it, even though it's not easy, he would have enjoyed it after a while. Wow.... was I wrong.

Played it til my fingers bled, was the end of summer 2010...

I had to work this morning. It was okay. I have to work again tomorrow morning. That will be okay too. When I got out of work I was listening to some music on the way home. Every now and then, I hear a song and think to myself "I'd love to learn how to play that on guitar." The problem for me has been this: I haven't had the desire to pick up my guitar because it sounds awful. It was a fifty dollar guitar I bought off of ebay. I learned how to play some basic stuff. But as I started to get better, I learned to hate my guitar because it just hurt my ears. I wanted to sound good. Well unfortunately, I don't sound that great anymore because I'm out of practice anyway, but I'm hoping to change that. So as these thoughts of wishing I could play guitar again were going through my head, I called a local music store in Edwardsville. I've been wanting to get a new guitar. Nothing too expensive, but a step up from my junker. I asked about layaway options. It sounded reasonable to me. 20% down and pay it off within 3 months. So I came home and brought it up to Neil. He was not keen on the idea. We do have a lot of expenses right now due to the wedding and whatnot... but I feel like a new guitar would just put me in a better mood, it would give me something to do, a way to express myself. Him and I had discussed getting a new guitar a long time ago, but life happened, bills came up and it got put off. Neil had to go to the bank to deposit some funds into the wedding account and when he got back he surprised me with a budget in cash to spend on a new guitar. I couldn't believe it. I was just thinking that we'd put it on layaway, not that I'd have a guitar today! He takes good care of me for sure :). Well it was funny because he said, "So, is it okay if I hang out with Josh tonight and play video games if you get a new guitar? It'll keep you busy either way." That was hysterical to me. It almost seemed like he felt like he had to pay me to hang out with his friend, but he swore that wasn't the reason. He had a good point though, after getting a new guitar I wasn't going to want to pay attention to him. Even though I was looking forward to spending the evening with him all day at work. But this was a nice compromise. So we went to the music store and I picked out what I thought was a black, but as it turns out it's kind of dark purple, Fender T Bucket. It was on sale for $300, originally $450. And it's so much better than my other guitar! Now, obviously if you're a guitar player, you might be a snob and think, that's a piece of crap... my guitar was a million dollars and is autographed by Jimi Hendrix. Whatever. As you get better, you invest more into it. You wouldn't give a beginner guitar player a really expensive guitar. Speaking of which, if you know anyone who's just getting started... I still have an old guitar I'm trying to get rid of. I won't even charge anyone for it. :)Typing is causing my fingers to hurt even more, I have to wake up early, and I'd like to spend some time with Neil to thank him for being so good to me... so I gotta go now.

I got my first real six string
At the five and dime
played it til my fingers bled
was the end of summer 2010...

We're all just a little bit different from one another.

I hate scary movies. To me, there is nothing "fun" about sitting in the dark trying to scare myself by watching something on the television. I used to be able to handle it as a kid, but I'm different now. Neil has a hard time grasping that. His theory is that I will eventually come around and get used to scary movies, the more I try it. Now, I do enjoy movies that are suspensful, and keep you hanging on the edge of your seat. I like trying to figure out what is going on in a movie, and if there are some elements that are a little creepy, I can get over it for the sake of the mystery. BUT, I can't handle it when the purpose of the movie, or even just part of its purpose, is to cause me to jump and scream. I don't enjoy that feeling. I scare easily, and I get nightmares. Call me a baby. It's who I am and it won't bother me if I don't get invited to watch scary movies ever again. That doesn't sound like a punishment to me.

But anyway, because Neil enjoys them so much, I tried to give Stir of Echoes a chance. Some of you might be thinking, "that's not scary." Ok, so? It's not scary to you. You're the coolest person on earth. I was scared. I don't like it when a ghost just pops up out of nowhere... and I got so scared, I jumped, I screamed and then I cried. Yeah, that's right. I cried. Normally, at this point, we would just turn the movie off. But I really was just trying to be a good sport about this. His mom was over watching with us and I didn't want to ruin their night. So whenever I felt like something scary was going to happen for the rest of the movie (which was about 75% of the time), I covered my eyes with a pillow.

At the end of the movie, I felt like I was getting a lot of crap for not enjoying it. Neil was saying things like "I just don't get it, why don't you like that kind of stuff? I love the feeling a good director can give me.... blah blah blah." And of course, his mother was nodding her head in agreement and chiming in every now and then. It didn't put me in a very good mood. So what I don't like scary movies and you two do. At least I tried to do something nice for you at the expense of my own personal comfort, doesn't that mean anything? And I think I might have unintentionally offended Neil's mom when I asked her to not tell the rest of Neil's siblings, in particular, his sister in law. But oh well. People are going to talk and you just can't control that. It is true I don't like scary movies. And it might be a little embarrassing, but I'll get over it. I just wish that instead of being made to feel like there was something wrong with me, it was just realized that we're all just a little bit different from one another.

Trying to find peace amidst an ocean of drama....

Update: I talked to the youth group pastor at church and explained our situation. He seemed optimistic and non-judgmental. It might work out still :)

There has been a lot of drama going on lately. The biggest piece of drama that has happened... is that Neil has decided (I'm pretty sure) that he'd like to be baptized at our church. Raised catholic, he was 'baptized' as a baby, so his family is having a very difficult time accepting his decision. He wants to make the decision to be baptized, the way the bible describes it- to demonstrate his own acceptance of his faith. He has made a personal decision to be closer to God, which is something that can not be decided for you. No matter what evidence Neil tries to present his family with out of the bible, they explain it away and are unwilling to listen. It's almost as though they see this as committing a sin, even though Jesus commanded us to be baptized. (To be baptized, means to me immersed in water as well, which is not a practice of the catholic faith.) Even though I disagree with a lot of catholic practices, I still feel like they can have a close relationship with God and go to heaven, doing things the way they do them. But it's like they think their faith is superior to mine. But we all believe in the same Jesus. And I feel like instead of just taking the words of those you see as your authority in the church, you should take your questions to the ultimate authority, God. He gave us the bible to use and to learn from. He gave us the bible to answer our questions. Why can't we all just accept it for what it is? Anyway, it's been stressful for me as well to go through this with Neil. I wish his family would be more supportive, because his decision is a good one and I believe that God is pleased with him.

Drama #2: Bridesmaid drama. Erin was mad at me because I told her that I didn't think I'd be able to come to her wedding because it's in Montana, and I don't think I can afford to fly out there when I'm planning my honeymoon for that summer. So she said that she didn't think she'd be able to come to mine. Even though, her wedding is in a year and mine is in three months. I don't feel like it's fair to tell someone that you can be in their wedding and then change your mind three months beforehand. But the only reason why she is acting that way is because she felt resentment towards me for not being able to afford to go to her wedding. So to make herself look better, she brings down my MOH. She told me a secret, something that Lauren did two years ago and never told me about. I don't even want to talk about it here. But I didn't know how to respond, because it made me feel like I couldn't trust Lauren. Then, I realized I can't really trust either of them. I talked to Lauren about it, and Erin was making it sound worse than it was, unless Lauren was lying to me about it. But ultimately, the conclusion Lauren and I came to, is that Erin needs to be the MOH. Even though she hasn't been involved with planning anything and isn't going to be able to come to my bridal shower or my bachelorette party because she lives in Montana now. This is so ridiculous. and petty. I talked to Neil about it. He had some wise words for me. He said that this is the devil trying to make my wedding stressful. He was right. None of this is such a big deal, and I'm not going to let it ruin the most important day of my life, up to this point.

Neil and I read some scripture when we got home from small group tonight. It was refreshing. I think it helped both of us to find some peace amidst this ocean of drama.

Background Check

Well, I started to feel a little better last night so I picked up a shift last night and one for tonight. I worked last night and was fine, but when I got home I started feeling crappy again. Hopefully, I'll feel better before work tonight. If I'm going to call in, apparently I need to do it by noon. But I really want to work so I think I'm just going to try to make it.

Yesterday, I had a meeting with the youth minister at our church because I've decided that I want to volunteer as a youth leader. It went really well. He talked to me about all the different events they have and about their weekly sunday night meetings. I took home the "background check" application and started filling it out after I got home from work last night. Questions were like this:
Have you ever been arrested of a criminal offense? Y or N
Have you ever or do you use illegal drugs? Y or N
yada yada... but then this question pops up
Are there any other circumstances involving your lifestyle, background or history that may call into question your ability to work with children, such as: living together as a married couple before marriage, being involved with or addicted to pornography, or being accused of inappropriate behavior with children?

Hold the phone! You mean to tell me that they're going to lump living with my fiance before marriage (even though we're not having sex) with porn addiction and child molesting?! I have to admit, I wanted to lie on that one. And if it wasn't for Neil being rational with me I probably would have. I marked yes...hoping to be able to explain so they wouldn't think I molested children or something. There is a portion after the questions to give you a chance to explain your answer if you answered yes to any of the questions. But I don't know if mine will be good enough.

To sum it up, I explained that Neil and I are living together, but we're getting married in three months and we're remaining sexually abstinent until that night. I explained that we came to that decision through growing together as a couple at our church. I also let them know that I would encourage young girls to wait until their wedding day to live with/have sex with their spouse. I made sure to mention that Christ has forgiven me... hopefully they will too. I would hate to think that this would keep me from serving in the youth group. I already told red robin last night that I can't work on Sunday nights anymore because I hadn't looked at the application yet.

I guess we'll see what happens. I was really looking forward to this. I understand that they want to have people their teens can look up to and apparently my sin is worse than anyone else's.

Sick Days

So this week at work, I was only scheduled one shift. A guy offered up his "on-call" shift which was for this morning and I took it because I was desperate, hoping that they'd actually need me. Last night, during the membership class at the church Neil and I attend, I started to feel stuffed up. I was having a hard time breathing. We went to Neil's mom's house for her birthday celebration and my sniffles just kept getting worse. By the end of the night I was sneezing and had a sore throat. I woke up in the middle of the night about three times, and I took a shot of Nyquil at 5am. So I wake up and call Red Robin at 9.30 hoping that they won't need me. Granted, I live in Edwardsville which is a half hour from Fairview Heights...and at this point, I'm still in bed because I'm exhausted. Not only do they want me to come in, but they want me to be there at 10 am. My words are "that's impossible!" I explained to the manager that I was feeling like crap and she told me I didn't have to come in but I put her in a bind because they had two other people call off and I'm the on call and they needed me....
ugh! Of course, in my head, I was thinking that those other people who called off probably weren't even sick. Doesn't matter. I'm probably going to get "written up." whatever. It bothers me but there's nothing I can do about it. I didn't want to infect all of St Louis today.

Crazy in Love

I quit Bella Milano on Wednesday. I didn't like it. I'm glad I discovered that while in training. I would prefer to work some place where people are nice and not grouchy. So that's that.

Neil makes me feel like a nutball. Sometimes, I just wanna kiss him all over. Other times, not so much. I feel like for the past few days, things have been going great. We have stuck to our commitment to one another to wait until our wedding night to have sex again. We have been reading together, praying together, we went to the Mascoutah homecoming and met his family out there. We had a great time! We got our engagement pictures back and they are all so beautiful. But God has been teaching me patience the past few days, that's for sure. And I don't know if you know this or not, but when you're learning patience, eventually there will be a time when you lose your patience. That's how you learn. So over the past few days, I have been putting my all into being patient with Neil. When he's biting his fingernails, I try so hard not to say anything, and I would say that I've only told him not to do it about half as much as normal. When he says something that I could "take the wrong way," I try very hard to just let it roll off my shoulders. When he looked at all of our engagement pictures and talked about all the ones he didn't like before he talked about the ones he did like, I tried not to let it bother me. And when he emailed me an article about diet and exercise I took it with a grain of salt, thinking to myself "He just wants me to be healthy, he doesn't think I'm a fatty." This has been over the course of about five days. Well, today, I lost my patience a little bit. This morning, I got up and made cinnamon rolls. (I bet you can guess where this is going.) I bought them over a week ago, and I thought to myself: "It's Sunday morning, we're just lounging around, we're almost out of milk so cereal wouldn't be the best option... I'll make our cinnamon rolls." Of course, being naive, I expected Neil to wake up, smell the fresh cinnamon rolls baking in the kitchen, come to the kitchen as I was icing the cinnamon rolls and say "Mmmmm... that smells so good. Brandy, you're going to be a wonderful wife. What a great idea to make cinnamon rolls for us to share this morning. I can't imagine a sweeter way to start off my day."

But No.

I get this instead. Neil comes into the kitchen with a look of bewilderment on his face. "What are you doing?" He says. "I'm making cinnamon rolls." I say with anticipation. He pauses for a few moments. "We sure do think differently about things," he finally says. I eat three cinnamon rolls. He eats one. He then proceeds to tell me how he just wants to start keeping an eye on his manly figure and that I ruin it for him everyday. I snap. In my head, I'm thinking, "what an ungrateful jerk." He really thinks I'm trying to make him fat? And I weigh more than he does, so if he thinks he's fat, what does he think of me? I go into another room to get away from the situation and he follows me wanting to talk about it some more. I'm not in the mood to talk about it. I'd rather pretend like it didn't happen. I feel like I can only be patient for so long, before something small sets me off. Is it better to be set off a tiny bit by everything that happens, or to be set off a lot my something small that happens as a result of a building up of everything else? How do you not let things bother you??? It's so hard! I just wish sometimes that HE would be the way I want him to be. Unfortunately for me, I have to learn to accept him ... because I'm going to have to live with all of his personality, the parts I like and the parts that drive me crazy, for the rest of my life. I know there is something about him that is worth putting up with all of the things that bother me. It's just hard to remember those things when I'm upset. Sigh.

My fiance is incredibly handsome

Have you met him before? If not, you're missing out. He has dark hair and hazel eyes... but they're the kind of eyes that when he gazes at you, you can feel how much he cares about you... which for most people, he cares about them a lot. He also has the cutest smile. For photographs, he has a specific smile, it makes him look really handsome and when he's all dressed up you could mistake him for a model :). But in general, when I'm just hanging out with him and he smiles, it's so cute and a little quirky. I absolutely love the dimple on his right cheek. It is so adorable, and it's like his trademark. I hope my future children inherit that dimple. As long as he isn't laughing at me, his laugh is contagious. I love seeing him happy. I have a daily goal of doing something sweet for him to make him smile and reveal that dimple. His arms are the most comforting arms to rest in. If I'm ever upset about anything and he offers to hold me close, I feel my stress melt away. There is so much security and protection in his arms because I trust him with everything. He's lean. Oh yeah, that's right. You might look at him and think, "he's scrawny and skinny..." but he has muscle on those arms. Guns, let me tell you! His arms are incredibly sexy. I love them... and the muscles add to the security I feel while resting in them. He has really soft skin and he smells really good. I like to bury my face in his neck, especially right after he has shaved because his after shave smells great and his face feels so soft against mine. His lips are soft too... I remember trembling at our first kiss. He's a great kisser. He's so handsome, inside and out. I love him so much.

He could be a little taller.... just kidding :)

Feeling Alone

Things aren't as bad as I make them sometimes. I'm aware of this. But sometimes, I just need someone to lay it all out on. Poor Neil has to deal with it most of the time. My day really wasn't awful, but a few little nuisances occurred, I guess it was God trying to teach me patience. And for the most part, I handled everything with grace, but by the end of the day, I felt like I had used up all my patience, and there were still more things to come. I won't bother getting into all of the things that I disliked today; I already had to talk to Neil about it. He handled my therapy session quite well for the most part, and I'm lucky to have him in my life...even though at times I don't give him the credit he deserves.

First, let me say that my "love language" is quality time. I can tell that I am loved by someone when they want to be near me, talk with me, play a game with me, etc. All of the things that bothered me today had to do with people not giving me quality time, sort of. I know that intentionally, they weren't trying to hurt my feelings, but it happened. I'm not upset with anyone really, but it just made me feel a little depressed. Unfortunately, I'm the type of woman that if something bothers me I end up thinking of other situations similar to it that bothered me in the past and then I think there's something wrong with me and I am hard to take out of my own pit of despair which I have created for myself.

I need friends. Not lots of friends. But close friends. I feel like I have lots of "friends" but I don't really have anyone that I feel close to, besides my fiance. He's my best friend, and that will never change. But I can't expect him to fulfill my needs for human interaction all the time. Unfortunately, I've been getting my feelings hurt by people quite often, and even though I've been categorized as an extrovert on personality tests, I feel pretty introverted when it comes to people I don't know yet. It's especially bad for people that I know somewhat, but I'm just not close to. Do you ever feel like you get to that point with people? Like you've spent enough time with them on an acquaintance level that you've kind of missed the friend train? Sometimes it's like people think you're just comfortable being acquaintances and that you're not interested in getting to know them better even though you might be.... well I'm saying you but I'm speaking for myself. This isn't to say that my "friends" aren't good people, but I'm just finding it hard to relate to a lot of them anymore. Distance, Maturity levels, Interests and other types of barriers have stunted the growth of those relationships and it's left me in a place where I don't know what to do. I'm at a point in my life where I'm a little too old for my college age peers because I'm getting married and my life is changing in that way, and I'm also not interested in the same types of things they are anymore... and I'm too young for the "adult" influences in my life from church and family, because I'm not up to speed with them; I don't have children and I'm still not finished with college so I haven't started my career. It gets lonely sometimes.

I'm lucky to have my future husband in my life, because we are at the same point in our lives, obviously. But I feel like I need support in other areas and I can't always depend on him for that. I can depend on God and pray for strength in certain areas, but I need a strong community. I know I'm in the middle of a growing pain in my life, but it still doesn't change the fact that sometimes it still hurts to go through change. And as I'm in the middle of this change, I'm confused. God, please help me. Amen.

Faith Like a Child

My maid of honor stayed over last night and we (myself, Neil and MOH) stayed up until 4 am talking about God. I didn't like it at all. I feel so bad for her. I know this might sound naive, but I find more peace in accepting the Bible on faith. I know that it is wise to question things that we don't understand to find the truth, but at the same time, you have to draw a line somewhere. There is no way any of us can possibly understand the mind of the one who created us. But her faith is so far gone anymore. When we were younger, it was so much easier for her to believe what she had been taught. But as she has grown up, skepticism has come into her heart. She questions everything related to her faith. She doesn't believe that churches should use emotional appeal to teach people something, she thinks it is like brainwashing. Yet she called my fiance paranoid for thinking "the devil is out to get him." Emotions help people with memory, that has been proven in research. And if a pastor is trying to emphasize a point, there might be emotional music in the background, not to trick you, but to emphasize the point that he is trying to make. After our discussion together, I almost felt like I began to doubt my own faith system, and that is scary to me. I do think a healthy level of skepticism is good in our walk with God (this is called discernment), but too much can take away our experience with Him, and can damage our relationship with Him. "I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." (Mark 10:15-NIV)Children are trusting. Little children do not doubt that what their parents tell them is true, and they also trust fully in their parents' capability to keep them safe. (that is, if it is a good parent-child relationship, which is the example that God would be for us). My MOH has basically taken everything she has learned about faith, all different types of faith, and subscribes to the parts of them that she feels are right. My question is, what makes her right? What gives her the right to think that she can pick and choose the answers that make the most sense to her and that is the truth? She believes that there is truth in every religion. That could be true, but there are also lies in other religions. I guess I'm arrogant for believing that my faith is correct. I don't have enough background in world religion to make that statement, according to a well-rounded educated individual. But I do know this; my faith is so real and makes so much sense, to me, that I don't feel the need to complicate it by doubting its truth all the time. How confusing of a life it must be for someone who constantly doubts their belief system? Why would you want to do that to yourself?

Dear God, surround me as I speak,
The bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear
Dear God, don't let me fall apart,
You've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched for answers I can't understand
Sometimes, when I feel miles away
And my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the recklessness
I walked in light of you
They say that I can move the mountains
And send them falling to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
With faith like a child
They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
With faith like a child

How He Loves Us...

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we are all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way...
He loves Us...

Today has been a good day. Started out somewhat mediocre...I'm not sure how I feel about Bella Milano still. But here is what I do know: my life isn't about waiting tables. This entire situation is temporary. I'm beginning to understand that God really does have a higher purpose for me than mediocre day to day situations and rhythmic routines. I am willing to accept that in whatever situation I find myself in, I'm there for a reason. So even though I'm not sure if I'm going to stick with the whole Bella Milano thing, I know for now that I'm going to be there for a little while. And I really feel like I should keep working at Red Robin for now, because I enjoy it so much. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, I have to work both jobs and then pick Lauren up from Union Station after work. But it will be okay :)

After work today, I came home and took care of some wedding stuff. Then I went out to the store for some sauce for the tortellini that I made for Neil and I for dinner. It was great :). We went to small group and I really enjoyed it tonight. We met a new couple who came to our group. The woman is from this area, but her husband is originally from Britain, and they both had British accents because they've been living there for a few years and just moved back to the states. I always find British accents so fun. I don't know why. I just like the way they sound. Today in small group we talked about the Great Commission, and how it is the church's job to "make disciples of all nations." I think too often, Christians become comfortable and expect for people to just ask them questions about God... and I know that I've been guilty of this as well. But it is so important to go out and tell people about Christ. Our pastor used a metaphor during church this past Sunday, he said, "It's like seeing your neighbor's house burning down, what kind of people would keep their mouths shut?" The salvation of everyone is so important because people matter to God. So they should matter to us. Yet a lot of people are annoyed with Christians for sharing their faith...but if they knew that their spiritual house was on fire, maybe then they would understand.

This is so hard for me, especially for people that I really care about and I know that they are not saved. I don't want them to feel awkward around me, I want to be able to maintain my friendships...but I also want them to have a relationship with God. It's not a matter of proving that I'm right about what I think...it's a matter of caring for them so much that I want them to experience the blessing of Christ in their own lives. Guess it's just another thing to pray about...

Speaking of prayer, Neil and I had a really good moment of prayer together tonight. We have both committed to our decision to remain sexually pure until our wedding night, and at first Neil wasn't sure how serious about it I was. He was kind of testing the waters a little to see what the boundaries were, and was a little shocked when I put some in place. He felt like it was so arbitrary, but I told him that I felt like it becomes a slippery slope. Once you allow yourself to give into one thing, it's easier to compromise and give into the next thing, and the next thing, and so on. He didn't like that too much, but it did show how much this meant to me, and he was accepting after we discussed it some more. And after we prayed together, I really felt so close to him. I know that God is going to teach us something in this decision, and even if we don't understand His reasoning for this boundary, we know that He has our best interest at heart. I love how my life is when I just trust what God has to say and follow it with faith. I just know that He'll make a difference in my life...

Turning over a new leaf...

You know what I love about God? He's all about second chances. and third. and fourth. and fifth. and sixth... and eighty-seventh and eighty-eighth... and so forth. God allows you to start over. So I'm going to. At least, I'm going to try, and it will be hard, but I think I can do it... and so can Neil.

I learned something about myself within the whole curly-sue argument we had a couple days ago. And thank God for blogging, because I think typing out everything that had happened re-reading my prayer brought some enlightenment. If I want to be more Christ-like, I need to try my best to live according to His standards. And, for the past few years, I haven't been doing it in one area. God asks us to surrender ourselves fully to Him, and there's one area that I hold on to and refuse to allow Him to control-my sexual life.

I know to some, it might sound null and void at this point, but I don't think it is... and I don't think God looks at it that way, because God is all about forgiveness. Neil and I are getting married in 115 days, and until that night, we are abstaining from being sexually intimate with one another. We had actually tried this one other time and failed. We became disheartened and figured we're gonna do it anyway instead of trying to stick with it. But this time, we're putting some boundaries to our physical intimacy, and we're going to try not to compromise those. It is going to be extremely difficult because we're so used to being able to do that. But I feel like this experience will teach me patience, which I really need, and so does Neil. It will also teach me the meaning of a sacrifice, giving up a personal desire for the one who gave His life for me.

I feel like surrendering this part of my life which is going to be so hard to let go, will allow me to have a more intimate relationship with God. I tend to rationalize having sex with Neil because I know that we love eachother, we're already getting married and I feel like it doesn't really make a difference. But I don't think that's the point. Even if that is true, I know that if I wait to have sex with Neil until we're married, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God condones what we're doing. Right now, I just hope that God condones what we're doing, I hope that if we're not doing what's right that God will forgive us, but because of that seed of guilt, I'm finding it difficult to connect with God on a deeper level. I want to show God how much I love him, that I desire to connect with him more than I desire to fulfill my selfish nature. I do want to say, that I don't feel like every time Neil and I have been sexual, we have been doing it out of selfishness. In the times when we've had sex, it has been a very deep physical and spiritual experience, because I know that he IS going to be my husband. But I explained it to him this way:

If I become the type of woman who is fully devoted to God above all else, then I will be the type of woman that God wants Neil to have. Neil deserves a woman who is patient with him, self-controlled, not easily angered, and not self-serving. And I feel like right now, those are the flaws God is calling me to work on. I'm going to work on those things by experiencing God, and I can't experience Him when I feel like I'm refusing to surrender something that He's asking to control.

Neil understood, and actually I think I made him realize even more how much I love him. He agreed to try it this way. It's amazing what God can do.

I know if some people read this, they might be thinking that we can't do it, and they might even be betting against us. If you're one of those people, just don't say anything. We don't need negativity from people, we only need support. And just so you know, "I can do anything through Him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13 NIV

Pick your battles.

Verbal: 410, Quantitative: 530, Cumulative: 940. Not quite a 1000, but not too far from it. I actually fall right within the average. I could take it again, but I don't think I'm going to torture myself. It's done, and most schools look at other factors as well, so it's not like my admission is solely based on my GRE scores. I'm just glad it's over with.

I went to wal-mart today and bought a couple of oxford shirts for my new job... first day of training is tomorrow! I'm going to have to learn how to tie a necktie again lol. I actually forgot how to do it. I'm looking forward to training. My goal is to keep a positive attitude. I have a feeling that if I just maintain some confidence, but not be too confident, it will go just fine.

Last night was kind of a bad night. It really didn't have to be either, and I wasn't expecting it to go the way it did. Neil came home with daisies for me and they were so pretty! It really made me happy that he was thinking of me. But after dinner, he had to work on some schoolwork, which I totally understand. While he was working on it, I began to watch a movie that I remember when I was a little girl-curly sue. I knew Neil wouldn't voluntarily watch it with me so I chose to watch it while he was busy. But then he finished early and came out and sat with me for a bit and I was pleasantly surprised. Eventually, he got up and left the room. I thought he was in the bathroom but he never came back. I put two and two together and realized that he left the room because he didn't want to sit through a movie he deemed bad. I have to admit, it wasn't the most gripping movie I'd ever watched, I just wanted to reminisce a little bit. And when he came out there with me I thought that he would be willing to just be with me. He later told me that he left the room because he needed to refrain from making mean comments. To which I replied, "why couldn't you just sit in the room and refrain from making mean comments?" Apparently the movie was so terrible that it was impossible, in his mind, for him to keep his mouth shut.

You know, the stupid thing about this is that I wasn't really all that bothered that he left the room. However, in my head, I was thinking it just would have been nice if he could have stayed just to make me happy. I don't feel like it was a lot to ask...but then again, it's not like I asked him to stay. I just assumed he knew that I would want him to stay with me. So my confrontation of him leaving the room... I really didn't expect it to turn into the blowout that it did. Our discussion just escalated and escalated to the point where Neil got so frustrated at me he told me that I was being a bitch. I wasn't even trying to be a bitch! And in response to that I charged at him, pushed him out of the bedroom and slammed the door.. picked up my stuffed alligator (it's a big pillow/animal) and started hitting it up against the door. I was so angry with him I couldn't even contain myself. What on earth happened?

Before this all occurred, I did think to myself... "I don't really need to say anything about him leaving the room." But I guess I just wanted to start something. I didn't want it to turn into what it did, but I think I just wanted him to say sorry, but he really felt like he was justified in leaving. And he was... but it doesn't change the fact that sometimes, I just wish he'd be willing to sit through a movie he doesn't like just because it makes me happy-without making any rude statements the whole time like "This is so unbelievable" or "This is too predictable." I just want him to not care about those things temporarily just so that I can enjoy the film... but I still want him to be with me! I guess I'm asking too much.

Why must I even say things that don't matter? I guess I'm learning that age-old lesson that says "Pick your battles..." I feel like Neil and I don't do a good job of picking our battles. We both make everything a battle... everything is a bigger deal than it really is. Of course, I see all this in hindsight, but it's a lot more difficult to recognize in the moment. I seriously need a lot of prayer.

Father God,
Please change my heart and help me to learn to pick my battles. I realize that by praying for this, you're going to give me an opportunity to not make a big deal out of something, and I think I'm ready for it. God, I really need to be more patient with people in general. I feel like I can't fix this by myself, I really do need you to help me put myself together. I see all these characteristics about myself that are so messed up and it is overwhelming because I just wish I was perfect. I'm not perfect God, but I want to be better. Please teach me how to handle sticky situations without losing my temper. Teach me to enjoy my life, reveal to me how blessed I really am. I don't want to live a dysfunctional life, the life I grew up knowing, anymore. I crave to be a different person than the enemy would like me to be. It's so hard because sometimes my emotional reactions occur within a split second, and it's like I have no control over them... but God, I know you can help me regain that control. You can teach me how to do the right thing, and even if I mess up a little, I can always start again. Thanks for everything God. Thanks for loving me even when I feel unlovable. Amen

You're only a day away....

The GRE. Wow... I take it tomorrow! I gotta say, I didn't study too much, but I really have been reviewing about as much as I possibly can, and I think I'm as ready as I can be for only giving myself a week to prepare. Even though I didn't study as much as I should have, I still feel like I'm going to do alright. I guess we'll find out tomorrow, and if I have to retake it, I'll retake it. But I think it's going to be okay. No stress.

I talked to Lauren today (my maid of honor) about my bachelorette party and I think we're gonna have it the night before my bridal shower...joy! That means I can't get too crazy! I don't want to be hungover at the shower. This should be interesting.... I don't know who all is going to make it but we're planning a night at the Ameristar in St Charles, MO. We're going to rent a suite and stay there... it's like a mini-las vegas. There's a casino, shopping, a spa, restaurants and a pool... all located in one nice strip. :) I think it will be awesome, even with just a few girls!

I also talked to my mom, my dad and my younger brother today. I called my mom to see if she'd be able to make it to my bridal shower. I hope she can. It's kind of sad to think that my own mother wouldn't be there for my bridal shower, so I really hope she gets up here for it. I would invite her to the bachelorette party too but lol... she wouldn't be able to handle it. She's so introverted she would just freak out if she saw me drinking out of a penis straw. I think the bridal shower will be enough for her. Toni can come to the bachelorette party, she's a lot more fun to drink with! I also talked to Sam because he's coming to visit in a couple weeks so we're just trying to finalize those plans. He's so excited about the wedding and being involved with it. When he's here, we'll take him to get fitted for his tux. I told him to do some yard work or something to try to earn a little dough for him to spend while he's up here. As much as I love him, I can't afford to spend a ton on him. I almost forgot that him visiting us for almost a week will cost a lot in food. Sam eats like a maniac... and I talked to my dad today for the first time in a couple weeks. We talked on the phone for over an hour, we had a lot of catching up to do. I really hope he can get his stuff together because I really want him to be there for my wedding... I will be so heartbroken if he can't be there to give me away.

Other than that... starting the new job in a couple of days, we'll see how that goes. GRE, new job, brother visiting, MOH visiting, wedding planning... so much for enjoying my summer! It's gonna be a busy month :)

WOW!

It's been a busy couple of days! Of course, I'm trying to study for the GRE (Tuesday is the day) and I'm taking a short break to blog. Actually, my score on the practice test was 1100 so that boosted my confidence a little bit and I'm less stressed about it. I'm working on reviewing some Geometry stuff. Basics right now too.... like a line is 180 degrees and all the angles that make up a line should add up to that. It's coming back to me little by little.

Neil and I went out to dinner Saturday night (after studying for the GRE) with his mom at Houlihan's. It was so much fun! I had a coupon for a free appetizer so we got Spinach Dip. They served it with these huge pizza-like crackers (triangular shaped). For dinner, I had some ribs and mashed potatoes... and I love ribs. As I said earlier, I could never be a model because I like cookies... well I also couldn't be a model because I can chow down on some real food too! Toni and I shared this fried donut desert and even though I was full I couldn't help but eat them! They were served with two chocolate sauces: I believe it was a white Baileys chocolate sauce and a dark Kahlua chocolate sauce. Could be wrong about that. It was heavenly. And they also had a $4 absolut cosmo special, so I had a couple of those! It was a nice break from work. :)

SOOOO.... I just found out that Neil's mom has actually been reading my blog. :) Someone is interested! lol... could be because she is actually mentioned a few times but it's really nothing I wouldn't tell her myself. However, I might just not be so straightforward in person.

Apparently, I have something in my personality about being too blunt and brash. I never really knew that about myself. I guess I just don't filter my thoughts as well as some other people. Yesterday, Neil and I went swimming (in the rain) with one of his good friends. This guy and his girlfriend have been together for about four years and he was talking to us about how they're planning out some finances because they're considering living together. Neil asked him if he was worried about what people might think and he said "no." Now, let me explain my train of thought. "If he is considering moving in with his girlfriend of 4 years, maybe he's thinking they're gonna get married someday. If they get engaged before they live together, people might not look down on it as much." So in that train of thought, I asked him, "So do you think you'll propose to her before you move in or after?" I don't understand why that was such a big deal. But Neil was like "Brandy, give him a break, don't bug him about that." And to that I responded, "What? What's the big deal?" and I asked him "Do you think she's the one?" I didn't notice any tension but Neil seemed to think that you could cut it with a knife. I guess I don't think it's that big of a deal.... if you love someone and you think you're going to marry them, why wouldn't you want to talk about it? It makes me wonder otherwise if you shy away from it that much. Now, of course, I'm only judging from my own experience and I don't really know what's going on in other people's lives.... but I never would have felt upset with someone for asking me if I thought Neil was the one... even earlier on in our relationship before we were engaged. I would've said "Hell yes! He's the one!" ... but apparently I crossed a line....

Also... I got a job at Bella Milano :). I start training on Wednesday. I'm nervous. I don't think I want to work two jobs. But I don't want to quit my job at red robin, just in case bella doesn't work out. I just need to keep praying about it. At first I thought I would just work both jobs, but during church today we talked about the church, and that it is our responsibility to get involved... to move closer to God, each other and the disconnected. And I had almost forgotten, but God gently reminded me that I want to be more involved with church. And if I'm working two jobs and going to school, there will be no time for that. So I'm going to have to pick a job. I'll get a feel for Bella Milano and maybe it will become more clear then.

One day that felt like two...

Have you ever had so many thoughts race through your head, so many events in one day... that you feel like it should have been spread out over a couple days? That was how everything worked for me today. It's not even that everything which took place was extremely important either, today just had a lot of little events happen.

Let me recall...
I woke up this morning with the intention of studying for the GRE. I made Neil and I french toast for breakfast and not long after that I went out to the SIUe library to study. I quickly became aggravated with the material and felt like I needed a tutor. So I sent Neil a text explaining my frustrations. He called me and told me to come home so that he could try to help me. So I did. It was difficult watching him try to figure out problems that I also couldn't understand. It makes me feel like the GRE creators are just cruel bastards. Seriously... I found out that one of my classmates just took the test a couple days ago and got a 630, so she's retaking it. I want to get at least 1000, but if I get an 800 even, I'll be happy. No stress....whatever happens happens. I'm still going to try my best, but if I don't get a certain score, it won't be the end of my college career. (crosses fingers) I'll just be happy when Wednesday comes around and I can start to enjoy my summer. Yeah, I know it's almost August... I've had an eventful summer.

I made some homemade salsa for my quesidilla today because Neil had finished off the store bought brand... and the homemade salsa, which was quite spontaneous yet simple, turned out great! I might just have to make a jar of it :)

Small group was good tonight. We actually had a "small group." That doesn't usually happen a lot, but our group had grown so large we had to split in half. But it was really cool because I felt more comfortable sharing about the things that were going on in my life. I hope that small group continues to be a place like that for me... I really pray that God helps me to form some christian friendships. I have a few but not really close christian friends. I actually got really excited about a month ago because a girl I was close friends with in junior high is moving to this area... well she should almost be here! I remember having a lot of discussions with her about faith and we clicked pretty well together. It would be nice to hang out with her again sometime, and I would definitely invite her to our church and small group.

After that, Neil and I came home and watched the MASK. That movie is incredibly goofy and over the top... I haven't seen it since I was a child. I had no idea how many raunchy references were in that film that must have gone over my head when I was younger....

So anyway, it's off to bed for me... my day in a nutshell... long.

Morning Migraines

Why?? Why on earth would God allow me to have a throbbing migraine all day before I had to go to work? I woke up with one and it just wouldn't go away... and I felt off at work tonight. Migraines are obviously not fun, but couldn't God have kept me from having one until I'm done taking the GRE? I'm taking it in less than a week and I was planning on studying today... but I'm off tomorrow all day, so hopefully I'll get a lot more done.

I have great news! Bella Milano called me this morning and I have an interview Friday at 3.30. :) I'll be praying that God guides me in the right direction with that. I still feel kind of torn between quitting Red Robin altogether, working two jobs or just not taking the Bella Milano job if I get it. I hope He gives me some clarity and peace of mind.

I made some guacamole when I got home from work tonight for my fiance and I to share. It was so good! And we still have some left over :). I LOVE homemade guacamole! It's interesting how your tastes change as you mature, because I used to hate avocados and now I'm addicted to them. It's gonna be a short post today... nothing all too eventful happened because I spent most of my morning trying to fight off my headache. Neil and I didn't argue much today. I can't wait to get our engagement pictures back (2 weeks)... I really want to see how they turned out. Anyway.... I'll keep you all (my hundreds of readers) posted. lol.

Double Rainbow

That stupid song has been in my head all day. Neil just had to show me because it's so hilarious. It really was funny the first time but now I just wish the song would go away.... if you're curious, first watch this video (at least half of it): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI
And then watch this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX0D4oZwCsA&feature=related

Anyway... today has been somewhat productive, somewhat not...

I sort of reviewed math stuff for the GRE. Fractions, decimals and percents... fun. I went to the grocery store and purchased a big load. I decided to make chicken soup today and then when I got home I realized that I forgot the noodles. So I went back out to the store for noodles. Then when I came home for the second time Neil asked me how come I didn't grab potatoes. I could have sworn that he told me he didn't want potatoes in the soup, but thinking back on it, I'm pretty sure he said he didn't want tomato juice in it (the way his mom usually makes it, but he liked the way my dad made it better!!). So then I got all up in arms about potatoes because I didn't want to have to drive to the store for the third time... at which point I received a lecture about how I should make a list from now on. yada yada yada.

I don't know why but for some reason I can't get over Neil feeling like an authority figure in my life and I just want to rebel against him in every way. I have never been in a romantic relationship where I have felt this way before. Sometimes, I feel like he just likes to boss me around. I get nagged about what I eat and it really hurts my feelings. He seems to think that I am so lacking of self-control and I need him to constantly remind me of all the things I've eaten and when is the last time I worked out and "are you sure you need a cookie?" Why... that could be the end of me! A cookie!! That'll cause you to have to go out to the store to buy bigger jeans.

I mean, I know that I need to be conscious of what I eat and make sure that I exercise... but it's not like I'm fat. He tells me all the time how beautiful he thinks I am but it seems like the opposite when he feels like he needs to tell me to go to the gym which is something that he doesn't even do. I think I've spoiled him rotten by giving him all those compliments about his body. I am attracted to him but it's not like he's a body-builder. There are certain things about his physique that I am drawn to but I've definitely stroked his ego a little too much if he thinks he has the right to criticize my eating and workout habits. There's a reason why I'd never work in the modeling industry.. and it's not because I can't take beautiful photos. I'm very photogenic and I have confidence... but I'm not giving up cookies for anyone.

>:)

No one knows the number of days

Life is short. How do we know how long we will even be here? I know that many people realize this phenomenon at a funeral or something, but I've considered it more recently. There was a young man I knew from my church when I was in youth group and he died at age 20 or 21. My Grandfather passed away in November, he was in his seventies. My cousin lost her daughter a year ago at the tender age of 17 months.

So I wonder why, I bicker about the silliest things. I plan for my future, so certain that it is coming. I'm studying for the GRE (kind of), hoping that it will mean I get accepted into graduate school... close to home so Neil can stay where he works. I'm planning a wedding which is taking place in 4 months from today. And we argue about where I might go to graduate school, what drinks will be served at our reception and when we'd like to begin having children! But how certain are we that these things will happen? And am I so selfish to say to God, please don't take me before I've accomplished these things? I want to have an education... a career... a family... and I want to feel like my life did fulfill God's purpose...

...but we never can really know when our last breath will be. People die old, all snug in their beds... and people die young, during their birth and even at age 17 months. How does God determine when a person has lived life long enough? And another point my fiance brought to me is .. why will God allow some people to keep on living even though their lifestyles are so unhealthy.. they should've been gone a long time ago? Does God have a purpose for them that he's waiting for them to fulfill... which is why they're still kicking?

Always tell the person you love how much you are blessed by their presence, because you never know when the time will come that you will lose the chance to say it to them again. I need to learn to not take his presence for granted, because life is short and there may be a day when I don't get to hold his hand.

Neil, I love you so much and you're my best friend. Thank you for loving me and holding me in your arms. You're always there for me when I need you. You are utterly amazing to me and I thank God for you.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart

Today was a good day. :) Neil and I woke up at about 10:30am and skipped church. I know we're awful.. but it was such a late night last night.. Anyway, it was storming this morning and I just wanted to stay home. Neil and I enjoyed one another's company for a while before I took a nap at about noon. I wish I could be more explicit here...but it was magical :). After my nap, I went out to the store to pick up a couple extra groceries for our steak dinner, and I bought him a cute little cake. It was just enough for both of us to have a piece and there's even a little left over. I also went to best buy to pick out a gift for him. I purchased Dexter: Season 3. I know he really likes that show and I wasn't sure if he'd already seen it. Well, he had already seen it, so that was a bummer. But it wasn't a big deal, we just went back out to Best Buy to exchange it for something else he'd like instead, and I was okay with that. He picked out a few CDs for his car and a zipper binder to keep them organized. He seemed really excited about treating himself and it made me happy to see him that way. We only had a little spat in the kitchen while cooking, but that's nothing unusual. And we were able to recover from it still and have a great meal and some cake. After dinner we watched "Ghost" and it was a good movie. I know, it's weird that I hadn't seen it before, but I really did like it. I remember seeing parts of it when I was younger, but I never saw it all the way through.

It's funny how I gave Neil such a hard time about not wanting to make any plans on his birthday, because even though we didn't have grandiose plans, I really enjoyed spending the day with him. I feel like an old woman saying that... but maybe I really am just getting older...and I find enjoyment in different kinds of things. That's okay, right? It's normal. :) It doesn't mean that I never want to go out again, but I experienced a different kind of pleasure spending time with my fiance at home by ourselves than I would if we had gone out and were surrounded by a bunch of people that are somewhat amicable.

Bottom line: Neil is a fun person to be around. We had a great time today. I can't wait to marry him :).

Oh... and we figured out the whole photography thing. No big deal.

We're having filet

Just so you know, Neil and I settled our dispute about the pizza fondue, and we're just going to eat filet mignon for his birthday dinner. Fine by me, I love steak, especially filet mignon. I went out to this butcher/deli we had been told about in Troy and it was awesome! Only $8 a lb for filet mignon and $1.15 a lb for a whole chicken. So I got a chicken too... Neil really likes the way my dad makes chicken soup, so I thought I could give it a try. I'm sure I can make it just as well. :)

I don't know what had gotten into us both yesterday, but we were arguing like crazy. Sometimes we have days like that, where neither one of us will back down. We each feel like our point is so important and that we have to make it. Once we settled the pizza fondue dispute, we got into an argument because I had ordered invitations for our reception (to invite the people who we don't want to feed to still party with us) and set the time for 9pm. He got his panties in a bunch because he thought that was too late and I should have put 8.30 on the invite instead and why didn't I check with him first to make sure it is right...after I already had ordered the invites and in my head, 2 1/2 to 3 hours is plenty of time for these people who we're not all that close to, to come dance at our reception. Our reception will go til midnight even though Neil is convinced it will be over by 11.30.

Another stupid thing that's weighing on my mind about the wedding plans is the photography. We had discussed with our photographer and agreed that we'd take pictures at 3.30 before the ceremony. She sent me an email and asked if it was possible to start at 2:45, shooting the guys (groomsmen) and his family, and then I would be ready at 3.30 so we could take pictures of him and I and then my family. It didn't really make a difference to me, except that I asked her if we'd have her long enough to get all the shots since we only have her for 5 hours. She'd be done at 7.45, but she made it sound like she didn't think it'd be a big deal and that she'd make sure to get all the pictures. Well, Neil thinks she's gonna be eying her watch and at 7.45 if we're still doing the wedding party dance it won't matter because she'll be gone. Sigh. Oh and on top of that, his mom was freaking out on him about it saying that she's going to have too much to do and she won't be ready by then.

Disclaimer: I know no one actually reads this blog, so I'm just going to say this, and if someone reads it and is offended by this, I apologize... but this is what I'm thinking.
Why is everyone so concerned about themselves with regard to my wedding to Neil? Shouldn't it be about us?

If a relative or family member of mine was getting ready to get married, I wouldn't expect them to bend over backwards to accommodate me. I would do everything in my power to make it easier for them, because they're stressed out as it is.

So I'm going to have to talk to my photographer about sticking to our original plan, which is fine by me because I won't be ready until then anyway, and I really want to make sure she is able to catch the important pictures during the reception too. And I just sent Neil a message to ask if he would mind doing it for me since I'm at my internship and my loving husband to be asks why he has to do it. Maybe because it's him and his mother making such a big deal about it...

I feel like I'm doing this all by myself. I just need a little support every once in a while.

There is more than one way to do it

I have to admit that I'm super irritated right now. I took my final this morning and got a B, so that settles that. Glad it's finished. I didn't have to go to work at my internship today. I used my day off to take a nap and then go to a nearby restaurant to apply as a server. It's not that I dislike where I work now, but there are a few things that bother me about it. It's a burger joint. My managers can't seem to figure out my schedule, and when one of them finally does, they decide to switch who writes the schedule and we're back to square one. It takes a half an hour to get there. I do like the job security-I believe I'm one of the best servers there so they don't want to lose me. I also like how nice everyone is that I work with (for the most part) and I like how laid back everything is-with the exception of the fast-paced environment. Either way, I applied somewhere else and they seemed really interested in my application. The manager on duty told me that the server manager would be in tomorrow and that she would make sure that the server manager gets my application and resume, and she wished me good luck.

So why am I so aggravated right now? Because I believe there is more than one way to do something, and it's hard to convince the future spouse otherwise. His birthday is Sunday. I haven't bought him anything yet, and I wonder if he'd be happier if I don't buy him anything just because he wants us to watch our spending. So I offered to bake him a cake and make him dinner-of his choice. Of course, he wants me to make him a tiramisu, even though it was a complete failure last year when I made it with my dad's help and dad dumped an entire bottle of wine into the cake thinking that it would make it better. So, to help my pride, Neil offers to "help" me make his birthday cake this year, because he's hell bent on tiramisu. Why can't he just be normal and want a chocolate cake? Maybe red velvet... So after asking him three days in a row what dinner he'd like and getting the same response, "I'll think about it." I basically decided on one for him. His mother used to make a dish called 'pizza fondue' when he was younger and it's like comfort food for him. So I found a recipe online, pretty similar to the recipe she uses (I know this from eating the pizza fondue she has made) and think to myself, "this will work, Neil will love it." So I call him at work and ask him if he knows what he'd like for dinner Sunday, assuming to get the same answer.

"How about you go to the butcher in Troy and pick us up some filet mignon?" he says.
It's not exactly what I had in mind, I kinda was looking forward to just going down the street to Schnucks and getting the ingredients we need for the pizza fondue... and I'm sure it is less expensive. So I bring up the idea of pizza fondue to him, and I tell him about the recipe I found online. "Pizza fondue really isn't all that fancy... but ok, you should call my mom and ask her for her recipe." Sigh.

How can one person be so freaking picky? Whatever happened to being gracious and thankful that someone is offering to do something nice for you for your birthday? Neil's mom left for NY this morning, and I really didn't want to call her and ask her for her recipe, being that she is on vacation. Neil insisted that it wasn't that big of a deal.

Here is what I think isn't that big of a deal: Trying a new recipe! Let's be honest, even if it might be slightly different, I am willing to bet we'll both enjoy it. I was even thinking of changing parts in the recipe I found to make it more fun (like instead of using hamburger, I thought of using italian sausage, maybe adding some ingredients you might find on an actual pizza that tastes great).Side Note: Neil hates Prego. I love Prego. We use "the Hill" spaghetti sauce because he likes it more... because it's what his mom uses and it's more expensive. I just wish he'd give me a chance to impress him instead of assuming he's not going to like something just because it might be a little different than what he's used to. But it's his birthday so whatever he wants is probably what I'm going to give him. I just want him to be happy... just kind of wish he would be happy with my ideas.

I wanna hold your hand

Today is another long day where I have to battle with my senioritis; I know I should study but I can't help but daydream. I just started missing Neil a little bit because he's at work... he had to get up pretty early this morning. Almost everyday, I vaguely remember him telling me he loves me and saying goodbye while I'm half conscious. I usually cut him short or get slightly annoyed because at the time, I just wanna roll back over and go to sleep. I'm pretty selfish with my sleep. And then of course I always regret being that way every morning, because when I wake up he is gone at work and I just wish I could give him a hug.

I started to reminisce about the time before we were dating. It's strange how at the time, I hated that part of our relationship. It's so uncomfortable when you have feelings for someone and you study their every move and every word constantly wondering if they are going to return your sentiments. Looking back on that time, I don't hate it anymore. I love thinking about it. It is actually so cute. Of course, now I know that he felt the same way and that makes a difference.

I remember the night of my birthday party, I was getting ready to turn 23. I put together this huge shindig on facebook, and invited so many people...but the only person I really cared about showing up was him. We all went out to dinner and he sat next to me, which I took to mean something of course. After dinner, we went dancing in St Louis. I kept trying to get his attention by shaking my body and wiggling all seductively. To my dismay, he walked outside with a group of people at one point and I didn't notice until I turned back around. Here I am, wiggling my tush hoping that this handsome young prince will be watching, and my only audience is some ugly drunken buffoon. Of course, I hopped off the table I was dancing on to go find my love interest... outside where it was nice and somewhat chilly dancing with the rest of the people I had invited to my birthday party. "It's too hot in there," he said. I did get to dance with him that night though... ironically, to the song "patience" by Guns N Roses.

The car ride home was worth all the embarrassment I had experienced that evening. We had all carpooled in about three different cars, and I was lucky enough to ride back in the same car Neil was riding in. I sat in the back seat with him. About half way through the ride, I held on to his hand and laid my head on his shoulder. To my pleasure, he wasn't weird-ed out by it. I actually came to find out that he liked it. a lot. :)

My first post

I'm starting a blog. I'm not quite sure who will read it...and even if no one reads it, maybe I will still gain something beneficial from having an outlet for all of my thoughts. Really, instead of writing a blog, I should be studying for my Biological Psychology Test, but I'm just not in the mood right now. I could come up with a million excuses, however, I know I'm just being lazy. It's true that I have a lot on my mind...and even though biopsych does intrigue me, it's not at the forefront today. I hope I get a 93% on my final which is Thursday, because that will mean I get an A in the class, but even if I don't get an A, a B is still pretty good for this difficult class that I'm taking in the summer. I would really like an A so that I stand out more on a graduate school application, but I feel like my personal statement will be what gets me in. I only have two more classes after this summer until graduation. I'm taking the GRE in two weeks... I haven't had much time to study for it because of my other summer class and my internship. I keep telling myself that I'll study for it once the semester is over on Friday, but we'll see. I don't know how much studying will help me to prepare for this exam, but I know it wouldn't hurt me to refresh some of my math skills. The practice test I took had a lot of geometry and algebraic questions... I thought I was done with all of that two years ago! But it's here again... I don't understand what algebra has to do with helping people, but I've learned in life that you have to jump through hoops to show that you're committed. I sometimes feel torn between pursuing an education and becoming a mother some day. I'm not quite sure what God wants me to do as far as furthering my education is concerned. I would really like to help others and counseling is the route I want to take...but if God has other plans for my life so be it. I will do my best and if I get accepted great, and if not I'll be content with that too. The more education I pursue, the longer I will have to wait to be a mom. And it doesn't seem to make sense to go to school for all of these years and then have a baby after you graduate... I wish God would give me some answers. I seem like I know what I want to do with my life... but honestly I am torn between two different ideas. Psychology is a demanding field and it requires so many sacrifices. I'm not sure how ready I really am to make those sacrifices...so I just keep moving forward hoping that I'll figure it out.