Time

I learned from Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages that my love language is quality time. Today has been a long day...

I was off from work, Neil was at work. It's company week. He told me that he would be out with his coworkers for a little while after work today. And I was fine with that... well a little.

I decided today, that since I had hours to myself, from the time I woke up at 10am until this evening, that I would be lazy and enjoy myself.. choosing to do whatever activities I wanted to do at the time... which consisted of eating junk food (which Neil hates to see), watching That 70s Show (which Neil also hates to watch) and practicing my guitar (which is difficult to do with an audience). I spent a lot of time today doing these things. I also lounged around on facebook and looked up information on different dogs on the internet as I'm trying to sway my husband into letting us adopt a pet.

Neil called me after work and reminded me that he would be home later tonight. (Normally he would be home at 6.30) I asked him if he knew what time I would see him. I have felt that we haven't been as physical as I'd like to be so I wanted to do something like that tonight... and he told me 9pm. I was a little disappointed in this, but I reluctantly obliged and said ok, see you at 9. So for the next few hours, I played more guitar, sat outside on the porch, watched more tv, ate more junk food, played wheel of fortune on the computer... etc.

9.45 rolls around, and I haven't heard anything from Neil. I would have thought he would have called to let me know he was on his way home. I missed him so much because I hadn't seen him all day. Now granted, I know I'm a little co-dependent. I'm working on this. But God was definitely testing my patience and growth in that area today. I felt like I had accomplished so much by doing the things I liked to do on my own and not being to worried about Neil. So, at 9.45 I called him. He answered the phone in a cheery voice and I heard a lot of noise in the background. He was still at the party with his company. And I was hurt by this. I know I shouldn't have been, but I was. Like I said, my love language is quality time and I feel like we haven't been as close lately, so I wanted some time with him.

I started out the conversation calm and asked him what was up and when he would be home. And then I got a little nuts and jealous ... not only of his time but of the fact that he was out doing the very thing with his coworkers that I wish he would be willing to do with me. I felt hurt, alone and left out. I started crying. And then I felt guilty for crying because I just ruined his fun. Misery loves company I guess.

He says, "brandy, it's okay, I'll come home now."
I said, "no don't, I don't want you to come home..." What am I? Do I have Multiple Personality Disorder? Here I am, getting the one thing I wanted, but then I didn't want it anymore. Like I said, this was the guilt for ruining his night.

We get off the phone and at this point I'm sobbing.

Ten minutes later he calls me back to tell me he is on his way home. And I'm still dissatisfied. I feel like there is no way to fix this mess. I wanted some sort of communication... to let me know he was going to be gone longer than he was. And it was too late. I didn't get it and I made his night as bad as mine.

I guess I'm really clingy. He only goes out with his company twice a year. But I'm jealous. I wanted a little bit of time with him today... just a little. And his coworkers got 98% of it. I feel like I would've been happy if they only got 85% of it even... and in that I'm growing. Because in the past, I would've wanted more.

Sigh.