Autobiography

Yesterday, I sat in front of my lap top and wrote one of the most depressing papers of my life. The assignment was to write about how my personality developed, important events in my life that shaped my personality and why I feel like social work is the right fit for me. It took me a long time to get started on it, but I wrote an outline a few days ago and started putting the pieces together yesterday. Low an behold, I had written 7 pages within a couple hours. The assignment was a 5-7 page assignment. Once I started writing, it all just came out. It was quite a therapeutic paper, to say the least... bringing up old pains and hurts that I had locked up and tried to forget about a long time ago. But it had a happy ending. God has delivered me from that hurt... He has TRANSFORMED my life. I am a new person. I can't believe he was able to work as many miracles as he has for my life... but that's what He is all about. It's all about his glory. Here is my first draft, if you're interested:

Brandy in Environment
I am a first year social work graduate student at Southern Illinois University-Edwardsville (SIUE). I have learned within only my first few weeks of study that I came to be the person I am by interactions with various systems in my environment. The purpose of writing this paper is to share with you briefly a piece of who I am, those systems which helped to shape my personality, and why I feel social work is the right fit for me.

My Family and Childhood
I was born into a family with limited resources. My mother was on her third marriage (my father) and I was her fourth child. My three older half brothers lived with their fathers; one of them I knew and the other two I didn’t because they lived a couple hours away. Early on, neither of my parents had a car or a driver’s license. My mother did not graduate from high school and college was never even considered. When I was still young, about 3-5 years of age, my father worked in food service as a line cook for a locally owned restaurant. He had not attended college but he did receive his GED while he was incarcerated for drunk driving. My father had a long history of alcoholism and drug abuse and my mother had a long history of manipulating other people (mainly men) to get what she wanted in life- be it a place to stay, food, money to pay her bills, or a ride to another city.

Needless to say, I grew up in a very dysfunctional and unstable environment. My mother would get angry with my father because he stayed out all night drinking. Sometimes, she would decide pack up her bags, take my hand, and hitch a ride out of town to stay with her sister or a shelter for abused women and children. I really hated this because I loved my father and I didn’t want to be separated from him so often. Things became even more complicated when my mother began to cheat on my father with another man. A year later, she became pregnant with who she thought was this other man’s baby (my younger half brother, Sam). My family actually found out ten years after Sam was born that he was not even this man’s son; she had slept with two other men while she was married to my father.

Sam was born when I was seven years old. I do not recall very many happy memories with my mother after the age of six. Before my brother was born, I felt as though my mother was looking out for me and she wanted the best for me. After Sam was born, and as I was growing up, she lost her patience with me very often; she screamed at me and threw things. She frequently overlooked my needs. She had taken my father to court for child support, which I felt was outlandish because he always did his best to provide for me even though he did not live with us. The judge ordered him to pay mandatory child support. This took money out of his miniscule paycheck and sent it to my mother, who used the money very poorly. I remember one occasion where I had informed my mother that my underwear was old and literally falling apart and I asked her take me shopping for new underwear. She agreed until the check came. It was gone by the time I had come home from school that day. She had spent it on cigarettes, ordering a pizza and renting my younger brother a video game. Later, she has told me that she “didn’t mean to [treat me with less love], but that she knew my dad was always going to be around for me,” and “Sam was [less fortunate] because he didn’t have a dad.” What she did not realize is that by her actions, I lost a mother. There were no feelings of attachment or trust toward her because I had felt betrayed too many times (Santrock, 2011, p. 20). It always bothered me that my mother made so many excuses and she never took responsibility for her behavior.

The one thing she was right about was that my Dad was always going to be around. Even though she would run away from him because of his drinking or drug behavior, he would track us down and come visit me. His visits were always pleasant and I never doubted his love for me. He encouraged me to do well all through school because he did not want me to “end up like” him. He felt like an education would lead me to a better life than what he had, and I wanted to make him proud.

As far as my family dynamics, my parents’ marriage was never really a marriage and not a good example, to say the least. They attempted to work things out time and time again, but they would separate each time. They did not divorce until I was eighteen, but it did not come as a shock to me when they did. I was used to them not being together for the majority of my life; the divorce was just a finalization process. According to the McMaster Model of family functioning, our family system had no functional units, hierarchy, rules, roles, or routines. It was a complete mess. My mother was a neglectful parent (Santrock, 2011, p. 157) and my father had his own problems and could not reach his potential parenting level. In studying the McMaster Model, I would argue that my mother showed some “Narcissitic involvement” in my life because she was only interested in me if it benefited her in some way.

My Faith
I lived with my mother, so unfortunately, I was only able to visit my father once a week. By this time, he had quit drinking but the pain of my mother’s affairs kept my parents apart. Eventually, my father turned to harder drugs to take away his pain. I sought out positive interactions at school and with my friends… school was the most normal part of my life. A friend from my school invited me to church and I loved going every Sunday. Church played a huge part in my social and emotional development. I have to disagree with Appleby when he says that “Western religious and philosophical thought is the ideological basis of all forms of oppression in the United States” (Appleby, p. 26). In my experience, my relationship with God freed me from oppression. At school, I felt out of place because I did not have nice clothes to wear or the latest and greatest school supplies. I was fortunate that my mother was able to afford school supplies at all… and I’m pretty sure they came from charity. God accepted me for who I was. Church was more like home to me than my actual home. It was there that I learned about God’s love for me and the forgiveness he offered to everyone… and that he expects us to offer forgiveness to each other. God brought joy to my life, I learned morals and how to behave. I began to develop a sense of humor rather than dread regarding the things going on around me. Even though I was resentful toward my mother, I tried to love, honor, and forgive her. “Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you once were” (Shook & Shook, 2009, p. 48). God comforted me in times of distress growing up. In the midst of my pain I learned that with God, nothing is impossible. I grew wise beyond my years and I lived according to this principle: “And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28, NIV) Through this I knew that God could take my hurt and grow me into a stronger person, because He had a purpose for my life that was far beyond what I could ever imagine. Now, I am starting to imagine that purpose as being an example of His love to others in unfavorable circumstances. I want to make it clear, that even though my faith is an integral part of my life, I would never force my ideas onto others. I am very open about what I believe, but I am not out to save people, rather I wish to serve them. “To accept others means that we stop trying to change them and start trying to understand them” (Shook & Shook, 2009, p. 53).

The turning point in my faith, which erased any doubt I had of God’s existence, was when He answered my prayer. I was only eleven years old. I remember getting down on my knees beside my bed one evening, holding a teddy bear that my father had given me, and crying my heart out to God in prayer for my father’s salvation. I prayed to God that my father would come to know of His unending love, that he would turn away from drugs, and that the Lord would provide him with a “good job” because at this time, he was working in a bar kitchen. It was a short amount of time after this that I remember making my father a goody-bag of gifts for Father’s Day. When he came to visit, I sang to him “You are my sunshine,” and gave him a bag which had a ribbon inside it that said “#1 Dad,” a figurine of a guardian angel, and a handmade card which told him “Happy Father’s Day, I Love You, Daddy.” Two weeks after, he came to visit me and told me that he would like to speak to the pastor of my church. I learned that he had “hit rock bottom,” he was unhappy with his life, and he wanted to make a change. He told me and the pastor that the night before his visit with me he had prayed to God to get him out of the mess he was in… and that he was holding on to the angel figurine I had given Him… asking God if Jesus was powerful enough to transform his life. After speaking with my pastor, my father turned his life over to God and went into a month long rehabilitation program. Shortly after exiting the program, he attained employment at the University of Illinois in Springfield, working as a sous chef in the kitchen, where he stayed for ten years. A social worker may think that in this way, I had an influence on my father’s life… but I like to say that God used me in my father’s life to do His work. There is no way I could take the credit and not give God the glory for that answered prayer.

My Education
In elementary and high school, I was an average student. My father tried to motivate me to do well from a distance, but it was not enough for me to go above and beyond. At the time, I just wanted to get by and pass each grade so that I would not be embarrassed if I failed. I was not able to participate in any other school activities because they required money or time. I wanted to play saxophone in the school band, but my family did not have the money to rent or buy the musical instrument; I wanted to be a cheerleader, but my family did not have the money for the school uniform or cheer camp; I wanted to take dance lessons, but my family could not afford dance lessons; I wanted to be on yearbook staff, but my mother made me babysit my little brother after school because she was forced to work part time to keep state aid and food stamps. Unfortunately, I was unable to participate or excel in many of the things that interested me. Church was free, so I was a part of the youth group. It was the only activity outside of the classroom that I was able to be a part of.

Many of my church friends wanted to attend Lincoln Christian College, a private Christian school after high school graduation. So, I jumped on the bandwagon and went there too. I was able to go because of federal aid, student loans, and a scholarship that was awarded to me by the school due to my unfortunate financial circumstances. I only went for one semester; I performed horribly in my classes; and I moved back to my hometown to enroll in the community college. I chose to take out student loans to pay for an apartment off campus because I refused to live with my mother again. She told me that when I graduated high school, she was going to make me pay rent if I stayed with her. I figured if I was going to have to pay rent anyway, I would live in a space where I would be happy. I knew my mother had no good intentions for wanting me to pay rent; she just wanted to make a profit. It was amazing how much better off I was living on my own. I had the freedom to spend my money how I wanted, within reason and being responsible...and I will not lie to you, I was not always responsible. This required me to learn some lessons the hard way, but God was forgiving and provided a way for me to get back on track.

I really enjoyed the community college I attended. I was learning how to function on my own, working part time as a server, paying bills, and attending classes. It was difficult at first, but I learned how to manage all of the tasks and got better at it. There were many useful resources at the college, including a career center, a math center, and the librarians were really helpful. I started setting goals and working toward them and my self-esteem went higher and higher.

I graduated with my Associate Degree in 2008. It took me longer than normal because I changed my major a couple times, but when I finally decided on Psychology, it went quickly. I transferred to Southern Illinois University-Edwardsville in the fall of 2008, as a junior because I had the two year degree. Almost all of my classes were psychology classes, so I found them very interesting and it was not hard to excel. I was finally able to be involved with academic and social organizations because I was on my own and could decide how to spend my time and money. I completed my Bachelor Degree in fall of 2010 and was accepted into the MSW program at SIUE in the fall of 2011, which brings me to the present.

Conclusion

Now you know all my deep, dark, secrets and my agonizing history. The field of social work is so important to me, because it was through these social organizations: Church, School, Drug Rehabilitation Centers, and Public Aid, that God was able to bless me with all that I needed to survive and eventually thrive. I want to have the skills to do that for others… especially children. My heart goes out to children because they do not have a choice. Children are in the situations they are in because of their parents' decisions-not their own. I believe that if social workers can reach out to children in their earlier development that these children might have a chance for a better life. They will learn to grow from their past, not let it dictate their future.