Stupid

I don't know what to do. Right now, I really hate my life. I guess I'm just ungrateful. But I wish things were different.

I can't forgive my husband. He said he was sorry. But right now, I hate him.

It wasn't even that big of an offense. But I can't take feeling hurt with grace. I hate being embarrassed. I hate being laughed at. It has happened too often in my life... and I can't stand the one person who is supposed to love me more than anyone else in the world being the person to cause me so much pain.

If I think with my mind instead of my heart, I know that I'm overreacting. But I can't help how I feel. I wish I could change. I wish I could just let it go. I wish I could "have thicker skin," like he wants me to have. But I can't. I'm sensitive. Years of being hurt and let down has made me this way. I've been trying to change, but it feels impossible. Why is it my responsibility to change anyway? How come he can't change and just be a nice person toward me?

Why is it that at this point, I know I should turn to God for help, but I don't want to? I want to wallow in my agony. Why do I do that? My counselor asked me that question. Why do I nurse my anger? I had to have learned that as a coping mechanism somewhere... but I really have no idea where.

Right now, I feel worthless. I feel unwanted. I feel stupid. I feel left out. I feel sad. I feel like there's no point to living anymore.

It was all over something stupid.

But to me... it wasn't stupid.