So the other day I checked out a book at the library called "the love dare." You read a short chapter each day (about 3 pages) and at the end of the chapter it gives you a "dare" or something to work at in relation with showing your spouse unconditional love. It also has a space in the book to journal your thoughts and feelings but since it's a library book, I don't think they would appreciate me writing my thoughts and feelings in the book and I really don't want everyone who checks out the book to be distracted by my opinions :). So I'll go ahead and journal my thoughts here.
The dare for the chapter "Love is not rude" was to "Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only." Luckily for me, my husband is willing to read books with me so we work on these dares together. After reading the chapter, we sat together and discussed the things that bother us. I was happy to unload the things that bother me lol... but it was a little bit harder to listen to the things that get under his skin. In this chapter the author states that you may not realize how unpleasant you can be to live with... the questions they use to test yourself were difficult for me... particularly the first one. Before I tell you that question.. the others were "How does your behavior affect your mate's sense of worth?" and "Would your husband or wife say you're a blessing, or that you're condescending and embarassing?" I honestly feel that Neil and I would both agree that the other person is a blessing to have in our lives, which gives me a lot of hope in our marriage. Sometimes I feel like we're doomed for failure when we argue so much, but we really do have a lot of good things in our relationship that make us strong. I don't think we're too far gone...we both want our love to last and are willing to work at it. It just takes A LOT of work. It's important for us to remember how much that other person IS a blessing in our lives, and it will help us to love and respect them much more. The question that I felt like I failed was "How does your spouse feel about the way you speak and act around them?" I can't answer for Neil obviously... and when I asked him about the three things that bother him this one didn't come up. But he really only gave me 2, even though he gave me 3 because I feel like a couple of them went together. I'll get to that later... but Neil has told me in the past that it bothers him when I call him names. And in my anger, I blame him and tell him he provoked me to it but a mature person shouldn't do such things. In the past when I have felt irritated I have called him an "asshole," a "jack-ass," a "smart-ass," etc. Apparently I like to call him an ass. I don't know why I do that. I guess at the time I just really want to hurt him and that's how I do it... but wanting to hurt someone is the opposite of what love is. It doesn't matter if they've hurt you or upset you... So personally, that's the one I'm going to work on the hardest.
Now the three things that he said I could work on were:
1. to have a better attitude towards his personal requests, not an attitude of "defiance."
2. procrastinating on requests.
3. keeping personal belongings in their designated place.
I feel like 1 and 2 go together. So that's why I added the fourth one that I talked about beforehand. I feel like I handled this conversation pretty well because most of it we had talked about before, and since I knew the subject matter before we started talking about it, I was more prepared to swallow the big pill. I think that in this scenario I was more open to listening to what he had to say and not so much just trying to get past the conversation so that we could move on and not pay it any mind in practice. The things he listed were a little hard to take in because my excuse is that those things are just part of my personality. I leave my glasses in the bathroom because I don't care if they sit there all day... out of sight out of mind. I'm rebellious. You tell me to do something and I'm going to do the opposite just to piss you off. But that's not love. Love stretches out of its own comfort to accommodate the needs of others. And even if I don't understand the reason why Neil wants my jewelry in one spot or my glasses in their case and not on the bathroom sink, it will only benefit our relationship to put them away. It's just hard to remember sometimes. I just hope he forgives me when I forget to keep up with it... and I know he'll be reading this eventually... a gentle reminder would be okay.
Lord, please help me to demonstrate love to my husband on a daily basis, even when it's doing something that is not natural for me. I pray that you give me reminders on how I can keep up with those things and that you give me opportunities to demonstrate self control with my tongue.
Amen.
PS I have a graduate school interview tomorrow for clinical adult at siue :) Pray that it goes well!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I think I'm on the way to figuring it out....
How do you achieve marital bliss was my last question on this blog. Of course, that question is very complex and I only think I've figured out a piece to the puzzle. I also think that this puzzle piece can be applied to more than just marriage... but overall happiness in life. I've discovered joy. Joy is not a mere emotion that comes and goes based on your circumstances. Joy is an attitude and a choice... a choice to accept the gift that God has given us. We can't create joy for ourselves, but we can experience it by choosing to remember how blessed we are in this life by God and his goodness.
At the church Neil and I have recently started to attend, they are doing a nine week series on the fruits of the spirit. The second fruit is joy. The pastor really enlightened me about this overlooked fruit. It is so important to be joyful in life... God created us for his own pleasure, naturally he would want us to experience joy from our existence as well. I feel like this is where I've been going wrong in my own life... especially recently. And even when I look back at my past experiences, and I consider the hardest times I've gone through in life, I've noticed that my joy was lacking. Now, some might think that's like what came first? The chicken or the egg? ... Was I not joyful because my ex-fiance was cheating on me? How can anyone be joyful in that situation? Was I not joyful because I felt like my relationship with my mother was strained? Isn't it normal for teenage girls to have mood swings?
These things could explain my dark periods in life... but I think they could just be poor excuses. Granted, when my ex cheated on me (more than one time), it was justified that I felt heartbroken and betrayed. But the truth is... to this day, I consider that wrong-doing and I still feel pain. God doesn't want us to do that to ourselves. To experience the joy of Jesus is to live in the present, reflecting on the good things in our lives.
A lot of times when Neil and I argue about something, I have a hard time letting it go. Then, I begin to think about all the things we've argued about... or how often we've been arguing recently... and it makes me sad. I think about the things he does that bother me... and I rack my brain for all the negative things I can come up with. And sometimes, after I've done all that...I go back further in my past. I think about all the regrets and mistakes I've made. I wonder how come my ex cheated on me and if I could be lovable. I even blame myself for his unfaithfulness. I wonder if Neil and I would have a better marriage if I was a better person before we met. And those are the lies that Satan likes to tell me. It's an awful cycle. I'm sad, so I think of sad things and it makes me sadder.. etc. And it's all because Satan wants to suck the joy right out of my heart. Why?
Because God wants joy in my heart. He wants to give me and everyone in the world his unending love and joy. And I think that's a key to marital bliss. Joy in marriage... remembering to be thankful that you have a husband who loves you no matter what stupid thing you do or say and that out of all the women in the world, he chose you as his wife...remembering God's love and grace and forgiveness toward you and all of your mistakes so that when your spouse makes a mistake (or many mistakes) you pass on that same grace to them...remembering the good and letting go of the bad... this is how you achieve a piece of marital bliss. But we can't do it alone... we definitely need God's help. He's the continual reminder of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Hey! Maybe all of those things are the way to marital bliss... and eternal bliss. I'm not perfect, but in my weakness, he is strong.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQo2FJPLeQk
I've got that joy joy joy joy down in my heart! *where?
down in my heart! *where? down in my heart!
I've got that joy joy joy joy down in my heart... down in my heart to stay!
And I'm so happy, so very happy
I've got the love of Jesus in my h-e-a-r-t
Yes I'm so happy so very happy
I've got the love of Jesus in my heart!
At the church Neil and I have recently started to attend, they are doing a nine week series on the fruits of the spirit. The second fruit is joy. The pastor really enlightened me about this overlooked fruit. It is so important to be joyful in life... God created us for his own pleasure, naturally he would want us to experience joy from our existence as well. I feel like this is where I've been going wrong in my own life... especially recently. And even when I look back at my past experiences, and I consider the hardest times I've gone through in life, I've noticed that my joy was lacking. Now, some might think that's like what came first? The chicken or the egg? ... Was I not joyful because my ex-fiance was cheating on me? How can anyone be joyful in that situation? Was I not joyful because I felt like my relationship with my mother was strained? Isn't it normal for teenage girls to have mood swings?
These things could explain my dark periods in life... but I think they could just be poor excuses. Granted, when my ex cheated on me (more than one time), it was justified that I felt heartbroken and betrayed. But the truth is... to this day, I consider that wrong-doing and I still feel pain. God doesn't want us to do that to ourselves. To experience the joy of Jesus is to live in the present, reflecting on the good things in our lives.
A lot of times when Neil and I argue about something, I have a hard time letting it go. Then, I begin to think about all the things we've argued about... or how often we've been arguing recently... and it makes me sad. I think about the things he does that bother me... and I rack my brain for all the negative things I can come up with. And sometimes, after I've done all that...I go back further in my past. I think about all the regrets and mistakes I've made. I wonder how come my ex cheated on me and if I could be lovable. I even blame myself for his unfaithfulness. I wonder if Neil and I would have a better marriage if I was a better person before we met. And those are the lies that Satan likes to tell me. It's an awful cycle. I'm sad, so I think of sad things and it makes me sadder.. etc. And it's all because Satan wants to suck the joy right out of my heart. Why?
Because God wants joy in my heart. He wants to give me and everyone in the world his unending love and joy. And I think that's a key to marital bliss. Joy in marriage... remembering to be thankful that you have a husband who loves you no matter what stupid thing you do or say and that out of all the women in the world, he chose you as his wife...remembering God's love and grace and forgiveness toward you and all of your mistakes so that when your spouse makes a mistake (or many mistakes) you pass on that same grace to them...remembering the good and letting go of the bad... this is how you achieve a piece of marital bliss. But we can't do it alone... we definitely need God's help. He's the continual reminder of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Hey! Maybe all of those things are the way to marital bliss... and eternal bliss. I'm not perfect, but in my weakness, he is strong.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQo2FJPLeQk
I've got that joy joy joy joy down in my heart! *where?
down in my heart! *where? down in my heart!
I've got that joy joy joy joy down in my heart... down in my heart to stay!
And I'm so happy, so very happy
I've got the love of Jesus in my h-e-a-r-t
Yes I'm so happy so very happy
I've got the love of Jesus in my heart!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
How do you achieve marital bliss?
Why do I feel like my husband thinks he has to babysit me? I'm putting my best foot forward to be patient with him. Even when he irritates me, I try to politely tell him how I feel and it always turns into a huge ordeal. I feel like he has never really trusted that I can get by without his help. Probably because he's been helping me from day one. I feel like my independence has been stripped away. I don't want to be entirely independent, we're married after all. But I do want him to trust that there are some things I can do without him reminding me all the time. For example, if there is something on my list of things to do... and the day has just started and I'm still working on checking things off... he doesn't need to remind me to do them!!!!!! Sigh. I hope tonight is a good night for us. I'm tired of arguing every night. I want us both to be in better moods. How does anyone achieve marital bliss? Is it possible?
Monday, January 3, 2011
A New Year
It's the beginning of a new year again. Naturally, that causes people to reflect on the past year... or two... or however many they feel like I guess. So many milestones this year... where to begin?
Tried and failed to workout on a regular basis... what's new? Maybe if I chat with the chiropractor, he'll give me permission to zumba again... we shall see.
Quit, what in my opinion, was the worst job in the world (teller at a bank) to work in a more fun environment as a server at Red Robin. Even though I've had my ups and downs at this new job... I'd much rather work somewhere that keeps me busy and not watching the clock all the time.
I planned and attended my wedding.... married my best friend in the world... and we've almost known each other for two years now :)
I graduated from SIUE with my BS (bach of science even though I had to go through a lot of BS to finally finish it...) in psychology...preparing for graduate school, if they like me enough.
Life is good. And it's all for God's glory. Maybe to glorify him more... I can work on a few other things.
1. My primary goal for the year is to be more patient with my husband. He's a gift from God and I love him so much... I hate that I can't help but become easily annoyed by him sometimes. I know it's in my power to change with God's help. If I really want to show Neil how much I love him... I need to be patient with him, kind to him, forgive him and overcome our obstacles together with him. That's a HUGE goal... baby steps...
2. Get involved with the community. I want to volunteer and help other people... No school for 8 months... besides working extra hours, reaching out to others is a good use of my time... along with..
3. Keeping the house clean. Eh.. this is gonna be hard. I don't care about it as much as Neil. But, my desk is clean and that's a start! Working on the laundry now... and who knows what else might get done when I'm at home! ... I'll keep you updated :) lol.
4. Read more books. Maybe I could go to the library and get a card. I'd like to learn more about classic literature. Funny (as in irony) how I'm interested in reading when it's not being forced on me. God only knows when grad school starts, I won't have time for enjoyable reading again. So I think it'd be good to take advantage of the opportunity I have now.
5. Hit the gym. Even if I can't do zumba... I really want to be active. So sick of all my sweet-tooth cravings going straight to my hips.
6. Most importantly, I have to work on being a better imitator of Jesus.* In everything I do, all of these goals listed here... I need to do them with His attitude. That's a big one to work on, but I think I can do it.** :)
Happy New Year
*Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:1-2)
**I can do all things through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)
Tried and failed to workout on a regular basis... what's new? Maybe if I chat with the chiropractor, he'll give me permission to zumba again... we shall see.
Quit, what in my opinion, was the worst job in the world (teller at a bank) to work in a more fun environment as a server at Red Robin. Even though I've had my ups and downs at this new job... I'd much rather work somewhere that keeps me busy and not watching the clock all the time.
I planned and attended my wedding.... married my best friend in the world... and we've almost known each other for two years now :)
I graduated from SIUE with my BS (bach of science even though I had to go through a lot of BS to finally finish it...) in psychology...preparing for graduate school, if they like me enough.
Life is good. And it's all for God's glory. Maybe to glorify him more... I can work on a few other things.
1. My primary goal for the year is to be more patient with my husband. He's a gift from God and I love him so much... I hate that I can't help but become easily annoyed by him sometimes. I know it's in my power to change with God's help. If I really want to show Neil how much I love him... I need to be patient with him, kind to him, forgive him and overcome our obstacles together with him. That's a HUGE goal... baby steps...
2. Get involved with the community. I want to volunteer and help other people... No school for 8 months... besides working extra hours, reaching out to others is a good use of my time... along with..
3. Keeping the house clean. Eh.. this is gonna be hard. I don't care about it as much as Neil. But, my desk is clean and that's a start! Working on the laundry now... and who knows what else might get done when I'm at home! ... I'll keep you updated :) lol.
4. Read more books. Maybe I could go to the library and get a card. I'd like to learn more about classic literature. Funny (as in irony) how I'm interested in reading when it's not being forced on me. God only knows when grad school starts, I won't have time for enjoyable reading again. So I think it'd be good to take advantage of the opportunity I have now.
5. Hit the gym. Even if I can't do zumba... I really want to be active. So sick of all my sweet-tooth cravings going straight to my hips.
6. Most importantly, I have to work on being a better imitator of Jesus.* In everything I do, all of these goals listed here... I need to do them with His attitude. That's a big one to work on, but I think I can do it.** :)
Happy New Year
*Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. (Ephesians 5:1-2)
**I can do all things through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)
Friday, December 17, 2010
Worry Wart
I love my new husband. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me... but he is a worry wart. He has the "worry virus." And it's a little contagious. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that we were raised soooo differently (even though we also have a lot in common). My family has gone without and we survived. Now, when I say "gone without," what I mean is... there were times we didn't have a telephone, cable tv, money to go out to eat, etc. But we always had our necessities met. Now, I don't really agree with my mother's sense of work ethic and how we had our necessities met, but I've always known that God is watching out for me. And I'm still trying to accept that nothing that I have is mine... it is all a gift from Him. I believe that even though growing up was very difficult for me at times because I was teased for not having nice clothes or the newest gadget or even enough money to join the poms squad or take music lessons, in a way... it was all a blessing because I know how to depend on God even when things look bleak.
It's really hard for me to relate to Neil when he panics about our financial situation. Combined, him and I make more money in a month than my family of three or four (depending on the mood of my mother)lived off of when I was younger. I look at our situation and I feel blessed compared to where I've been before. I realize that God asks us to be good stewards of his gifts and that just because we have faith doesn't mean we should go out and spend all we have... but I'm not really worried about where we're at. Neil is. And it gets to me when his mood rubs off on me. I've changed my job 3 times in the past two years. I don't want to keep changing jobs because he feels like I'm not making enough money. I just graduated from college two days ago... I wish he'd just give me a chance to try to work extra shifts.
He says that he wants me to find something else because it's not worth the 25 minute drive to work for only $50. When I was younger, $50 was worth a 25 minute drive. He says that I'm not getting enough hours. He's right. BUT, I haven't even asked for more hours yet. I don't think the logical step after not getting enough hours is to quit your job and look for another one... I think the next step would be to talk to my boss about my hours.
He makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. But I'm really trying. It's hard when the holidays are around the corner and my graduation ceremony is a day away to want to change my availability right now. But I will in time. I'm just asking for a week.
I love him. But he needs to calm down and trust God. Maybe that's why I'm in his life. God doesn't want us to depend on our imperfect selves... he wants us to depend on him... that's how we get closer to him... by trusting him with everything.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you, not harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
It's really hard for me to relate to Neil when he panics about our financial situation. Combined, him and I make more money in a month than my family of three or four (depending on the mood of my mother)lived off of when I was younger. I look at our situation and I feel blessed compared to where I've been before. I realize that God asks us to be good stewards of his gifts and that just because we have faith doesn't mean we should go out and spend all we have... but I'm not really worried about where we're at. Neil is. And it gets to me when his mood rubs off on me. I've changed my job 3 times in the past two years. I don't want to keep changing jobs because he feels like I'm not making enough money. I just graduated from college two days ago... I wish he'd just give me a chance to try to work extra shifts.
He says that he wants me to find something else because it's not worth the 25 minute drive to work for only $50. When I was younger, $50 was worth a 25 minute drive. He says that I'm not getting enough hours. He's right. BUT, I haven't even asked for more hours yet. I don't think the logical step after not getting enough hours is to quit your job and look for another one... I think the next step would be to talk to my boss about my hours.
He makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. But I'm really trying. It's hard when the holidays are around the corner and my graduation ceremony is a day away to want to change my availability right now. But I will in time. I'm just asking for a week.
I love him. But he needs to calm down and trust God. Maybe that's why I'm in his life. God doesn't want us to depend on our imperfect selves... he wants us to depend on him... that's how we get closer to him... by trusting him with everything.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you, not harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
I'm Mrs Neil Mutschler
Four days ago, I married my best friend. It was really the perfect day. (Thank you so much God for being there and making it an amazing experience). It was everything I had hoped for and more. Ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed about my wedding day. Now that it has come and gone, as I reflect on it... it was better than I had imagined. See, as a young girl, I remember thinking about the day and I would consider walking down the isle with everyone looking at me as the bride, I remember making a mental checklist of who would be there to see it all unfold... I remember being concerned about the "audience's point of view." But when I walked down the isle, my focus zoomed in on my husband to be. I was only concerned about him and what his thoughts were, the expression on his face to see me as his bride. I wasn't concerned about any past experiences or the future to come. I was only present in that very moment. During the ceremony, I felt alone with him and God, (and the pastor)... I didn't care about the audience's perspective, I was in the moment with him. It's an odd yet wonderful feeling to be surrounded by friends and family and yet you feel like there is no one else in the world besides you and your husband.
I felt so blessed by God on that day, for He has definitely provided me with people in my life who love Neil and I, and even people who didn't know us were blessing us on that day as well. All of our vendors went out of their way to make our day special, and my amazing friends and bridesmaids were adding special touches to the wedding and keeping me from being stressed about details. As a matter of fact, I wasn't stressed at all that day, just excited.
And now, I get to spend the rest of my life with my favorite person, my best friend, my husband. God really loves us to have put us together.
I felt so blessed by God on that day, for He has definitely provided me with people in my life who love Neil and I, and even people who didn't know us were blessing us on that day as well. All of our vendors went out of their way to make our day special, and my amazing friends and bridesmaids were adding special touches to the wedding and keeping me from being stressed about details. As a matter of fact, I wasn't stressed at all that day, just excited.
And now, I get to spend the rest of my life with my favorite person, my best friend, my husband. God really loves us to have put us together.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Charisma
Weird wedding dreams again. Must mean it's getting closer! (Only 4 days now!) In my dream, we didn't bring our decorations to the reception, whoops. And I married someone else who is already married instead of Neil. That was weird... and it made me really sad because in my dream I kept saying "I was supposed to marry Neil...." and I was so very happy when I woke up and realized it was all just a dream.
My back has been going in and out of pain again lately. It got pretty bad this past week, so I made an extra visit to the chiropractor. I actually have another appointment with him today. Hopefully, that will do me in until Friday. I have a massage scheduled the day before the wedding too...
Yesterday, Neil and I tried another church. I heard about it as I was talking to a girl in my art class. The church is really small, they meet in a house, but it's not someone else's house, it's the building that used to be someone's house. They actually started meeting in a person's home but now they meet in a small house. It was so different than anything I've been to, but it was good. Since the church was so small, people actually noticed that we were new and came up to us to introduce themselves. I think that's what I liked most... it seemed like everyone was pretty genuine. The worship was very charismatic, compared to the churches Neil and I have been to in the past, but I kind of liked that too. The teaching wasn't as structured as we're used to. I wasn't too crazy about that. I think that it's good to have some focus somewhere. The teaching had a point though... which I agreed with wholeheartedly. The point was "We're nothing; Jesus is everything." And all of the verses backed that point up. But we just flipped a lot between verses and I guess I'd like to really focus on one passage to understand it better. But overall, I felt like it was a good experience. Neil and I chatted about it and he told me he'd be willing to go again with me, but he didn't seem sold on it a hundred percent. He's used to a more reverent style of church. I guess it's just really attractive to meet people who don't seem like they're judging you or that they're fake. Time will tell though... I hate that I'm skeptical about people. But too often I have put my trust in what I thought were good people and have been let down. *With the exception of Neil :) and a few people from our last church. Anyway, I had such a good day yesterday after we left the new church, it made me want to go back. I'll let you know more about it later.
I don't know how often I'll have a chance to blog before the wedding.... but maybe I will again because I'll have a lot on my mind!
My back has been going in and out of pain again lately. It got pretty bad this past week, so I made an extra visit to the chiropractor. I actually have another appointment with him today. Hopefully, that will do me in until Friday. I have a massage scheduled the day before the wedding too...
Yesterday, Neil and I tried another church. I heard about it as I was talking to a girl in my art class. The church is really small, they meet in a house, but it's not someone else's house, it's the building that used to be someone's house. They actually started meeting in a person's home but now they meet in a small house. It was so different than anything I've been to, but it was good. Since the church was so small, people actually noticed that we were new and came up to us to introduce themselves. I think that's what I liked most... it seemed like everyone was pretty genuine. The worship was very charismatic, compared to the churches Neil and I have been to in the past, but I kind of liked that too. The teaching wasn't as structured as we're used to. I wasn't too crazy about that. I think that it's good to have some focus somewhere. The teaching had a point though... which I agreed with wholeheartedly. The point was "We're nothing; Jesus is everything." And all of the verses backed that point up. But we just flipped a lot between verses and I guess I'd like to really focus on one passage to understand it better. But overall, I felt like it was a good experience. Neil and I chatted about it and he told me he'd be willing to go again with me, but he didn't seem sold on it a hundred percent. He's used to a more reverent style of church. I guess it's just really attractive to meet people who don't seem like they're judging you or that they're fake. Time will tell though... I hate that I'm skeptical about people. But too often I have put my trust in what I thought were good people and have been let down. *With the exception of Neil :) and a few people from our last church. Anyway, I had such a good day yesterday after we left the new church, it made me want to go back. I'll let you know more about it later.
I don't know how often I'll have a chance to blog before the wedding.... but maybe I will again because I'll have a lot on my mind!
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