How He Loves Us...

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we are all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way...
He loves Us...

Today has been a good day. Started out somewhat mediocre...I'm not sure how I feel about Bella Milano still. But here is what I do know: my life isn't about waiting tables. This entire situation is temporary. I'm beginning to understand that God really does have a higher purpose for me than mediocre day to day situations and rhythmic routines. I am willing to accept that in whatever situation I find myself in, I'm there for a reason. So even though I'm not sure if I'm going to stick with the whole Bella Milano thing, I know for now that I'm going to be there for a little while. And I really feel like I should keep working at Red Robin for now, because I enjoy it so much. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, I have to work both jobs and then pick Lauren up from Union Station after work. But it will be okay :)

After work today, I came home and took care of some wedding stuff. Then I went out to the store for some sauce for the tortellini that I made for Neil and I for dinner. It was great :). We went to small group and I really enjoyed it tonight. We met a new couple who came to our group. The woman is from this area, but her husband is originally from Britain, and they both had British accents because they've been living there for a few years and just moved back to the states. I always find British accents so fun. I don't know why. I just like the way they sound. Today in small group we talked about the Great Commission, and how it is the church's job to "make disciples of all nations." I think too often, Christians become comfortable and expect for people to just ask them questions about God... and I know that I've been guilty of this as well. But it is so important to go out and tell people about Christ. Our pastor used a metaphor during church this past Sunday, he said, "It's like seeing your neighbor's house burning down, what kind of people would keep their mouths shut?" The salvation of everyone is so important because people matter to God. So they should matter to us. Yet a lot of people are annoyed with Christians for sharing their faith...but if they knew that their spiritual house was on fire, maybe then they would understand.

This is so hard for me, especially for people that I really care about and I know that they are not saved. I don't want them to feel awkward around me, I want to be able to maintain my friendships...but I also want them to have a relationship with God. It's not a matter of proving that I'm right about what I think...it's a matter of caring for them so much that I want them to experience the blessing of Christ in their own lives. Guess it's just another thing to pray about...

Speaking of prayer, Neil and I had a really good moment of prayer together tonight. We have both committed to our decision to remain sexually pure until our wedding night, and at first Neil wasn't sure how serious about it I was. He was kind of testing the waters a little to see what the boundaries were, and was a little shocked when I put some in place. He felt like it was so arbitrary, but I told him that I felt like it becomes a slippery slope. Once you allow yourself to give into one thing, it's easier to compromise and give into the next thing, and the next thing, and so on. He didn't like that too much, but it did show how much this meant to me, and he was accepting after we discussed it some more. And after we prayed together, I really felt so close to him. I know that God is going to teach us something in this decision, and even if we don't understand His reasoning for this boundary, we know that He has our best interest at heart. I love how my life is when I just trust what God has to say and follow it with faith. I just know that He'll make a difference in my life...

Turning over a new leaf...

You know what I love about God? He's all about second chances. and third. and fourth. and fifth. and sixth... and eighty-seventh and eighty-eighth... and so forth. God allows you to start over. So I'm going to. At least, I'm going to try, and it will be hard, but I think I can do it... and so can Neil.

I learned something about myself within the whole curly-sue argument we had a couple days ago. And thank God for blogging, because I think typing out everything that had happened re-reading my prayer brought some enlightenment. If I want to be more Christ-like, I need to try my best to live according to His standards. And, for the past few years, I haven't been doing it in one area. God asks us to surrender ourselves fully to Him, and there's one area that I hold on to and refuse to allow Him to control-my sexual life.

I know to some, it might sound null and void at this point, but I don't think it is... and I don't think God looks at it that way, because God is all about forgiveness. Neil and I are getting married in 115 days, and until that night, we are abstaining from being sexually intimate with one another. We had actually tried this one other time and failed. We became disheartened and figured we're gonna do it anyway instead of trying to stick with it. But this time, we're putting some boundaries to our physical intimacy, and we're going to try not to compromise those. It is going to be extremely difficult because we're so used to being able to do that. But I feel like this experience will teach me patience, which I really need, and so does Neil. It will also teach me the meaning of a sacrifice, giving up a personal desire for the one who gave His life for me.

I feel like surrendering this part of my life which is going to be so hard to let go, will allow me to have a more intimate relationship with God. I tend to rationalize having sex with Neil because I know that we love eachother, we're already getting married and I feel like it doesn't really make a difference. But I don't think that's the point. Even if that is true, I know that if I wait to have sex with Neil until we're married, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God condones what we're doing. Right now, I just hope that God condones what we're doing, I hope that if we're not doing what's right that God will forgive us, but because of that seed of guilt, I'm finding it difficult to connect with God on a deeper level. I want to show God how much I love him, that I desire to connect with him more than I desire to fulfill my selfish nature. I do want to say, that I don't feel like every time Neil and I have been sexual, we have been doing it out of selfishness. In the times when we've had sex, it has been a very deep physical and spiritual experience, because I know that he IS going to be my husband. But I explained it to him this way:

If I become the type of woman who is fully devoted to God above all else, then I will be the type of woman that God wants Neil to have. Neil deserves a woman who is patient with him, self-controlled, not easily angered, and not self-serving. And I feel like right now, those are the flaws God is calling me to work on. I'm going to work on those things by experiencing God, and I can't experience Him when I feel like I'm refusing to surrender something that He's asking to control.

Neil understood, and actually I think I made him realize even more how much I love him. He agreed to try it this way. It's amazing what God can do.

I know if some people read this, they might be thinking that we can't do it, and they might even be betting against us. If you're one of those people, just don't say anything. We don't need negativity from people, we only need support. And just so you know, "I can do anything through Him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13 NIV

Pick your battles.

Verbal: 410, Quantitative: 530, Cumulative: 940. Not quite a 1000, but not too far from it. I actually fall right within the average. I could take it again, but I don't think I'm going to torture myself. It's done, and most schools look at other factors as well, so it's not like my admission is solely based on my GRE scores. I'm just glad it's over with.

I went to wal-mart today and bought a couple of oxford shirts for my new job... first day of training is tomorrow! I'm going to have to learn how to tie a necktie again lol. I actually forgot how to do it. I'm looking forward to training. My goal is to keep a positive attitude. I have a feeling that if I just maintain some confidence, but not be too confident, it will go just fine.

Last night was kind of a bad night. It really didn't have to be either, and I wasn't expecting it to go the way it did. Neil came home with daisies for me and they were so pretty! It really made me happy that he was thinking of me. But after dinner, he had to work on some schoolwork, which I totally understand. While he was working on it, I began to watch a movie that I remember when I was a little girl-curly sue. I knew Neil wouldn't voluntarily watch it with me so I chose to watch it while he was busy. But then he finished early and came out and sat with me for a bit and I was pleasantly surprised. Eventually, he got up and left the room. I thought he was in the bathroom but he never came back. I put two and two together and realized that he left the room because he didn't want to sit through a movie he deemed bad. I have to admit, it wasn't the most gripping movie I'd ever watched, I just wanted to reminisce a little bit. And when he came out there with me I thought that he would be willing to just be with me. He later told me that he left the room because he needed to refrain from making mean comments. To which I replied, "why couldn't you just sit in the room and refrain from making mean comments?" Apparently the movie was so terrible that it was impossible, in his mind, for him to keep his mouth shut.

You know, the stupid thing about this is that I wasn't really all that bothered that he left the room. However, in my head, I was thinking it just would have been nice if he could have stayed just to make me happy. I don't feel like it was a lot to ask...but then again, it's not like I asked him to stay. I just assumed he knew that I would want him to stay with me. So my confrontation of him leaving the room... I really didn't expect it to turn into the blowout that it did. Our discussion just escalated and escalated to the point where Neil got so frustrated at me he told me that I was being a bitch. I wasn't even trying to be a bitch! And in response to that I charged at him, pushed him out of the bedroom and slammed the door.. picked up my stuffed alligator (it's a big pillow/animal) and started hitting it up against the door. I was so angry with him I couldn't even contain myself. What on earth happened?

Before this all occurred, I did think to myself... "I don't really need to say anything about him leaving the room." But I guess I just wanted to start something. I didn't want it to turn into what it did, but I think I just wanted him to say sorry, but he really felt like he was justified in leaving. And he was... but it doesn't change the fact that sometimes, I just wish he'd be willing to sit through a movie he doesn't like just because it makes me happy-without making any rude statements the whole time like "This is so unbelievable" or "This is too predictable." I just want him to not care about those things temporarily just so that I can enjoy the film... but I still want him to be with me! I guess I'm asking too much.

Why must I even say things that don't matter? I guess I'm learning that age-old lesson that says "Pick your battles..." I feel like Neil and I don't do a good job of picking our battles. We both make everything a battle... everything is a bigger deal than it really is. Of course, I see all this in hindsight, but it's a lot more difficult to recognize in the moment. I seriously need a lot of prayer.

Father God,
Please change my heart and help me to learn to pick my battles. I realize that by praying for this, you're going to give me an opportunity to not make a big deal out of something, and I think I'm ready for it. God, I really need to be more patient with people in general. I feel like I can't fix this by myself, I really do need you to help me put myself together. I see all these characteristics about myself that are so messed up and it is overwhelming because I just wish I was perfect. I'm not perfect God, but I want to be better. Please teach me how to handle sticky situations without losing my temper. Teach me to enjoy my life, reveal to me how blessed I really am. I don't want to live a dysfunctional life, the life I grew up knowing, anymore. I crave to be a different person than the enemy would like me to be. It's so hard because sometimes my emotional reactions occur within a split second, and it's like I have no control over them... but God, I know you can help me regain that control. You can teach me how to do the right thing, and even if I mess up a little, I can always start again. Thanks for everything God. Thanks for loving me even when I feel unlovable. Amen

You're only a day away....

The GRE. Wow... I take it tomorrow! I gotta say, I didn't study too much, but I really have been reviewing about as much as I possibly can, and I think I'm as ready as I can be for only giving myself a week to prepare. Even though I didn't study as much as I should have, I still feel like I'm going to do alright. I guess we'll find out tomorrow, and if I have to retake it, I'll retake it. But I think it's going to be okay. No stress.

I talked to Lauren today (my maid of honor) about my bachelorette party and I think we're gonna have it the night before my bridal shower...joy! That means I can't get too crazy! I don't want to be hungover at the shower. This should be interesting.... I don't know who all is going to make it but we're planning a night at the Ameristar in St Charles, MO. We're going to rent a suite and stay there... it's like a mini-las vegas. There's a casino, shopping, a spa, restaurants and a pool... all located in one nice strip. :) I think it will be awesome, even with just a few girls!

I also talked to my mom, my dad and my younger brother today. I called my mom to see if she'd be able to make it to my bridal shower. I hope she can. It's kind of sad to think that my own mother wouldn't be there for my bridal shower, so I really hope she gets up here for it. I would invite her to the bachelorette party too but lol... she wouldn't be able to handle it. She's so introverted she would just freak out if she saw me drinking out of a penis straw. I think the bridal shower will be enough for her. Toni can come to the bachelorette party, she's a lot more fun to drink with! I also talked to Sam because he's coming to visit in a couple weeks so we're just trying to finalize those plans. He's so excited about the wedding and being involved with it. When he's here, we'll take him to get fitted for his tux. I told him to do some yard work or something to try to earn a little dough for him to spend while he's up here. As much as I love him, I can't afford to spend a ton on him. I almost forgot that him visiting us for almost a week will cost a lot in food. Sam eats like a maniac... and I talked to my dad today for the first time in a couple weeks. We talked on the phone for over an hour, we had a lot of catching up to do. I really hope he can get his stuff together because I really want him to be there for my wedding... I will be so heartbroken if he can't be there to give me away.

Other than that... starting the new job in a couple of days, we'll see how that goes. GRE, new job, brother visiting, MOH visiting, wedding planning... so much for enjoying my summer! It's gonna be a busy month :)

WOW!

It's been a busy couple of days! Of course, I'm trying to study for the GRE (Tuesday is the day) and I'm taking a short break to blog. Actually, my score on the practice test was 1100 so that boosted my confidence a little bit and I'm less stressed about it. I'm working on reviewing some Geometry stuff. Basics right now too.... like a line is 180 degrees and all the angles that make up a line should add up to that. It's coming back to me little by little.

Neil and I went out to dinner Saturday night (after studying for the GRE) with his mom at Houlihan's. It was so much fun! I had a coupon for a free appetizer so we got Spinach Dip. They served it with these huge pizza-like crackers (triangular shaped). For dinner, I had some ribs and mashed potatoes... and I love ribs. As I said earlier, I could never be a model because I like cookies... well I also couldn't be a model because I can chow down on some real food too! Toni and I shared this fried donut desert and even though I was full I couldn't help but eat them! They were served with two chocolate sauces: I believe it was a white Baileys chocolate sauce and a dark Kahlua chocolate sauce. Could be wrong about that. It was heavenly. And they also had a $4 absolut cosmo special, so I had a couple of those! It was a nice break from work. :)

SOOOO.... I just found out that Neil's mom has actually been reading my blog. :) Someone is interested! lol... could be because she is actually mentioned a few times but it's really nothing I wouldn't tell her myself. However, I might just not be so straightforward in person.

Apparently, I have something in my personality about being too blunt and brash. I never really knew that about myself. I guess I just don't filter my thoughts as well as some other people. Yesterday, Neil and I went swimming (in the rain) with one of his good friends. This guy and his girlfriend have been together for about four years and he was talking to us about how they're planning out some finances because they're considering living together. Neil asked him if he was worried about what people might think and he said "no." Now, let me explain my train of thought. "If he is considering moving in with his girlfriend of 4 years, maybe he's thinking they're gonna get married someday. If they get engaged before they live together, people might not look down on it as much." So in that train of thought, I asked him, "So do you think you'll propose to her before you move in or after?" I don't understand why that was such a big deal. But Neil was like "Brandy, give him a break, don't bug him about that." And to that I responded, "What? What's the big deal?" and I asked him "Do you think she's the one?" I didn't notice any tension but Neil seemed to think that you could cut it with a knife. I guess I don't think it's that big of a deal.... if you love someone and you think you're going to marry them, why wouldn't you want to talk about it? It makes me wonder otherwise if you shy away from it that much. Now, of course, I'm only judging from my own experience and I don't really know what's going on in other people's lives.... but I never would have felt upset with someone for asking me if I thought Neil was the one... even earlier on in our relationship before we were engaged. I would've said "Hell yes! He's the one!" ... but apparently I crossed a line....

Also... I got a job at Bella Milano :). I start training on Wednesday. I'm nervous. I don't think I want to work two jobs. But I don't want to quit my job at red robin, just in case bella doesn't work out. I just need to keep praying about it. At first I thought I would just work both jobs, but during church today we talked about the church, and that it is our responsibility to get involved... to move closer to God, each other and the disconnected. And I had almost forgotten, but God gently reminded me that I want to be more involved with church. And if I'm working two jobs and going to school, there will be no time for that. So I'm going to have to pick a job. I'll get a feel for Bella Milano and maybe it will become more clear then.

One day that felt like two...

Have you ever had so many thoughts race through your head, so many events in one day... that you feel like it should have been spread out over a couple days? That was how everything worked for me today. It's not even that everything which took place was extremely important either, today just had a lot of little events happen.

Let me recall...
I woke up this morning with the intention of studying for the GRE. I made Neil and I french toast for breakfast and not long after that I went out to the SIUe library to study. I quickly became aggravated with the material and felt like I needed a tutor. So I sent Neil a text explaining my frustrations. He called me and told me to come home so that he could try to help me. So I did. It was difficult watching him try to figure out problems that I also couldn't understand. It makes me feel like the GRE creators are just cruel bastards. Seriously... I found out that one of my classmates just took the test a couple days ago and got a 630, so she's retaking it. I want to get at least 1000, but if I get an 800 even, I'll be happy. No stress....whatever happens happens. I'm still going to try my best, but if I don't get a certain score, it won't be the end of my college career. (crosses fingers) I'll just be happy when Wednesday comes around and I can start to enjoy my summer. Yeah, I know it's almost August... I've had an eventful summer.

I made some homemade salsa for my quesidilla today because Neil had finished off the store bought brand... and the homemade salsa, which was quite spontaneous yet simple, turned out great! I might just have to make a jar of it :)

Small group was good tonight. We actually had a "small group." That doesn't usually happen a lot, but our group had grown so large we had to split in half. But it was really cool because I felt more comfortable sharing about the things that were going on in my life. I hope that small group continues to be a place like that for me... I really pray that God helps me to form some christian friendships. I have a few but not really close christian friends. I actually got really excited about a month ago because a girl I was close friends with in junior high is moving to this area... well she should almost be here! I remember having a lot of discussions with her about faith and we clicked pretty well together. It would be nice to hang out with her again sometime, and I would definitely invite her to our church and small group.

After that, Neil and I came home and watched the MASK. That movie is incredibly goofy and over the top... I haven't seen it since I was a child. I had no idea how many raunchy references were in that film that must have gone over my head when I was younger....

So anyway, it's off to bed for me... my day in a nutshell... long.

Morning Migraines

Why?? Why on earth would God allow me to have a throbbing migraine all day before I had to go to work? I woke up with one and it just wouldn't go away... and I felt off at work tonight. Migraines are obviously not fun, but couldn't God have kept me from having one until I'm done taking the GRE? I'm taking it in less than a week and I was planning on studying today... but I'm off tomorrow all day, so hopefully I'll get a lot more done.

I have great news! Bella Milano called me this morning and I have an interview Friday at 3.30. :) I'll be praying that God guides me in the right direction with that. I still feel kind of torn between quitting Red Robin altogether, working two jobs or just not taking the Bella Milano job if I get it. I hope He gives me some clarity and peace of mind.

I made some guacamole when I got home from work tonight for my fiance and I to share. It was so good! And we still have some left over :). I LOVE homemade guacamole! It's interesting how your tastes change as you mature, because I used to hate avocados and now I'm addicted to them. It's gonna be a short post today... nothing all too eventful happened because I spent most of my morning trying to fight off my headache. Neil and I didn't argue much today. I can't wait to get our engagement pictures back (2 weeks)... I really want to see how they turned out. Anyway.... I'll keep you all (my hundreds of readers) posted. lol.

Double Rainbow

That stupid song has been in my head all day. Neil just had to show me because it's so hilarious. It really was funny the first time but now I just wish the song would go away.... if you're curious, first watch this video (at least half of it): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI
And then watch this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX0D4oZwCsA&feature=related

Anyway... today has been somewhat productive, somewhat not...

I sort of reviewed math stuff for the GRE. Fractions, decimals and percents... fun. I went to the grocery store and purchased a big load. I decided to make chicken soup today and then when I got home I realized that I forgot the noodles. So I went back out to the store for noodles. Then when I came home for the second time Neil asked me how come I didn't grab potatoes. I could have sworn that he told me he didn't want potatoes in the soup, but thinking back on it, I'm pretty sure he said he didn't want tomato juice in it (the way his mom usually makes it, but he liked the way my dad made it better!!). So then I got all up in arms about potatoes because I didn't want to have to drive to the store for the third time... at which point I received a lecture about how I should make a list from now on. yada yada yada.

I don't know why but for some reason I can't get over Neil feeling like an authority figure in my life and I just want to rebel against him in every way. I have never been in a romantic relationship where I have felt this way before. Sometimes, I feel like he just likes to boss me around. I get nagged about what I eat and it really hurts my feelings. He seems to think that I am so lacking of self-control and I need him to constantly remind me of all the things I've eaten and when is the last time I worked out and "are you sure you need a cookie?" Why... that could be the end of me! A cookie!! That'll cause you to have to go out to the store to buy bigger jeans.

I mean, I know that I need to be conscious of what I eat and make sure that I exercise... but it's not like I'm fat. He tells me all the time how beautiful he thinks I am but it seems like the opposite when he feels like he needs to tell me to go to the gym which is something that he doesn't even do. I think I've spoiled him rotten by giving him all those compliments about his body. I am attracted to him but it's not like he's a body-builder. There are certain things about his physique that I am drawn to but I've definitely stroked his ego a little too much if he thinks he has the right to criticize my eating and workout habits. There's a reason why I'd never work in the modeling industry.. and it's not because I can't take beautiful photos. I'm very photogenic and I have confidence... but I'm not giving up cookies for anyone.

>:)

No one knows the number of days

Life is short. How do we know how long we will even be here? I know that many people realize this phenomenon at a funeral or something, but I've considered it more recently. There was a young man I knew from my church when I was in youth group and he died at age 20 or 21. My Grandfather passed away in November, he was in his seventies. My cousin lost her daughter a year ago at the tender age of 17 months.

So I wonder why, I bicker about the silliest things. I plan for my future, so certain that it is coming. I'm studying for the GRE (kind of), hoping that it will mean I get accepted into graduate school... close to home so Neil can stay where he works. I'm planning a wedding which is taking place in 4 months from today. And we argue about where I might go to graduate school, what drinks will be served at our reception and when we'd like to begin having children! But how certain are we that these things will happen? And am I so selfish to say to God, please don't take me before I've accomplished these things? I want to have an education... a career... a family... and I want to feel like my life did fulfill God's purpose...

...but we never can really know when our last breath will be. People die old, all snug in their beds... and people die young, during their birth and even at age 17 months. How does God determine when a person has lived life long enough? And another point my fiance brought to me is .. why will God allow some people to keep on living even though their lifestyles are so unhealthy.. they should've been gone a long time ago? Does God have a purpose for them that he's waiting for them to fulfill... which is why they're still kicking?

Always tell the person you love how much you are blessed by their presence, because you never know when the time will come that you will lose the chance to say it to them again. I need to learn to not take his presence for granted, because life is short and there may be a day when I don't get to hold his hand.

Neil, I love you so much and you're my best friend. Thank you for loving me and holding me in your arms. You're always there for me when I need you. You are utterly amazing to me and I thank God for you.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart

Today was a good day. :) Neil and I woke up at about 10:30am and skipped church. I know we're awful.. but it was such a late night last night.. Anyway, it was storming this morning and I just wanted to stay home. Neil and I enjoyed one another's company for a while before I took a nap at about noon. I wish I could be more explicit here...but it was magical :). After my nap, I went out to the store to pick up a couple extra groceries for our steak dinner, and I bought him a cute little cake. It was just enough for both of us to have a piece and there's even a little left over. I also went to best buy to pick out a gift for him. I purchased Dexter: Season 3. I know he really likes that show and I wasn't sure if he'd already seen it. Well, he had already seen it, so that was a bummer. But it wasn't a big deal, we just went back out to Best Buy to exchange it for something else he'd like instead, and I was okay with that. He picked out a few CDs for his car and a zipper binder to keep them organized. He seemed really excited about treating himself and it made me happy to see him that way. We only had a little spat in the kitchen while cooking, but that's nothing unusual. And we were able to recover from it still and have a great meal and some cake. After dinner we watched "Ghost" and it was a good movie. I know, it's weird that I hadn't seen it before, but I really did like it. I remember seeing parts of it when I was younger, but I never saw it all the way through.

It's funny how I gave Neil such a hard time about not wanting to make any plans on his birthday, because even though we didn't have grandiose plans, I really enjoyed spending the day with him. I feel like an old woman saying that... but maybe I really am just getting older...and I find enjoyment in different kinds of things. That's okay, right? It's normal. :) It doesn't mean that I never want to go out again, but I experienced a different kind of pleasure spending time with my fiance at home by ourselves than I would if we had gone out and were surrounded by a bunch of people that are somewhat amicable.

Bottom line: Neil is a fun person to be around. We had a great time today. I can't wait to marry him :).

Oh... and we figured out the whole photography thing. No big deal.

We're having filet

Just so you know, Neil and I settled our dispute about the pizza fondue, and we're just going to eat filet mignon for his birthday dinner. Fine by me, I love steak, especially filet mignon. I went out to this butcher/deli we had been told about in Troy and it was awesome! Only $8 a lb for filet mignon and $1.15 a lb for a whole chicken. So I got a chicken too... Neil really likes the way my dad makes chicken soup, so I thought I could give it a try. I'm sure I can make it just as well. :)

I don't know what had gotten into us both yesterday, but we were arguing like crazy. Sometimes we have days like that, where neither one of us will back down. We each feel like our point is so important and that we have to make it. Once we settled the pizza fondue dispute, we got into an argument because I had ordered invitations for our reception (to invite the people who we don't want to feed to still party with us) and set the time for 9pm. He got his panties in a bunch because he thought that was too late and I should have put 8.30 on the invite instead and why didn't I check with him first to make sure it is right...after I already had ordered the invites and in my head, 2 1/2 to 3 hours is plenty of time for these people who we're not all that close to, to come dance at our reception. Our reception will go til midnight even though Neil is convinced it will be over by 11.30.

Another stupid thing that's weighing on my mind about the wedding plans is the photography. We had discussed with our photographer and agreed that we'd take pictures at 3.30 before the ceremony. She sent me an email and asked if it was possible to start at 2:45, shooting the guys (groomsmen) and his family, and then I would be ready at 3.30 so we could take pictures of him and I and then my family. It didn't really make a difference to me, except that I asked her if we'd have her long enough to get all the shots since we only have her for 5 hours. She'd be done at 7.45, but she made it sound like she didn't think it'd be a big deal and that she'd make sure to get all the pictures. Well, Neil thinks she's gonna be eying her watch and at 7.45 if we're still doing the wedding party dance it won't matter because she'll be gone. Sigh. Oh and on top of that, his mom was freaking out on him about it saying that she's going to have too much to do and she won't be ready by then.

Disclaimer: I know no one actually reads this blog, so I'm just going to say this, and if someone reads it and is offended by this, I apologize... but this is what I'm thinking.
Why is everyone so concerned about themselves with regard to my wedding to Neil? Shouldn't it be about us?

If a relative or family member of mine was getting ready to get married, I wouldn't expect them to bend over backwards to accommodate me. I would do everything in my power to make it easier for them, because they're stressed out as it is.

So I'm going to have to talk to my photographer about sticking to our original plan, which is fine by me because I won't be ready until then anyway, and I really want to make sure she is able to catch the important pictures during the reception too. And I just sent Neil a message to ask if he would mind doing it for me since I'm at my internship and my loving husband to be asks why he has to do it. Maybe because it's him and his mother making such a big deal about it...

I feel like I'm doing this all by myself. I just need a little support every once in a while.

There is more than one way to do it

I have to admit that I'm super irritated right now. I took my final this morning and got a B, so that settles that. Glad it's finished. I didn't have to go to work at my internship today. I used my day off to take a nap and then go to a nearby restaurant to apply as a server. It's not that I dislike where I work now, but there are a few things that bother me about it. It's a burger joint. My managers can't seem to figure out my schedule, and when one of them finally does, they decide to switch who writes the schedule and we're back to square one. It takes a half an hour to get there. I do like the job security-I believe I'm one of the best servers there so they don't want to lose me. I also like how nice everyone is that I work with (for the most part) and I like how laid back everything is-with the exception of the fast-paced environment. Either way, I applied somewhere else and they seemed really interested in my application. The manager on duty told me that the server manager would be in tomorrow and that she would make sure that the server manager gets my application and resume, and she wished me good luck.

So why am I so aggravated right now? Because I believe there is more than one way to do something, and it's hard to convince the future spouse otherwise. His birthday is Sunday. I haven't bought him anything yet, and I wonder if he'd be happier if I don't buy him anything just because he wants us to watch our spending. So I offered to bake him a cake and make him dinner-of his choice. Of course, he wants me to make him a tiramisu, even though it was a complete failure last year when I made it with my dad's help and dad dumped an entire bottle of wine into the cake thinking that it would make it better. So, to help my pride, Neil offers to "help" me make his birthday cake this year, because he's hell bent on tiramisu. Why can't he just be normal and want a chocolate cake? Maybe red velvet... So after asking him three days in a row what dinner he'd like and getting the same response, "I'll think about it." I basically decided on one for him. His mother used to make a dish called 'pizza fondue' when he was younger and it's like comfort food for him. So I found a recipe online, pretty similar to the recipe she uses (I know this from eating the pizza fondue she has made) and think to myself, "this will work, Neil will love it." So I call him at work and ask him if he knows what he'd like for dinner Sunday, assuming to get the same answer.

"How about you go to the butcher in Troy and pick us up some filet mignon?" he says.
It's not exactly what I had in mind, I kinda was looking forward to just going down the street to Schnucks and getting the ingredients we need for the pizza fondue... and I'm sure it is less expensive. So I bring up the idea of pizza fondue to him, and I tell him about the recipe I found online. "Pizza fondue really isn't all that fancy... but ok, you should call my mom and ask her for her recipe." Sigh.

How can one person be so freaking picky? Whatever happened to being gracious and thankful that someone is offering to do something nice for you for your birthday? Neil's mom left for NY this morning, and I really didn't want to call her and ask her for her recipe, being that she is on vacation. Neil insisted that it wasn't that big of a deal.

Here is what I think isn't that big of a deal: Trying a new recipe! Let's be honest, even if it might be slightly different, I am willing to bet we'll both enjoy it. I was even thinking of changing parts in the recipe I found to make it more fun (like instead of using hamburger, I thought of using italian sausage, maybe adding some ingredients you might find on an actual pizza that tastes great).Side Note: Neil hates Prego. I love Prego. We use "the Hill" spaghetti sauce because he likes it more... because it's what his mom uses and it's more expensive. I just wish he'd give me a chance to impress him instead of assuming he's not going to like something just because it might be a little different than what he's used to. But it's his birthday so whatever he wants is probably what I'm going to give him. I just want him to be happy... just kind of wish he would be happy with my ideas.

I wanna hold your hand

Today is another long day where I have to battle with my senioritis; I know I should study but I can't help but daydream. I just started missing Neil a little bit because he's at work... he had to get up pretty early this morning. Almost everyday, I vaguely remember him telling me he loves me and saying goodbye while I'm half conscious. I usually cut him short or get slightly annoyed because at the time, I just wanna roll back over and go to sleep. I'm pretty selfish with my sleep. And then of course I always regret being that way every morning, because when I wake up he is gone at work and I just wish I could give him a hug.

I started to reminisce about the time before we were dating. It's strange how at the time, I hated that part of our relationship. It's so uncomfortable when you have feelings for someone and you study their every move and every word constantly wondering if they are going to return your sentiments. Looking back on that time, I don't hate it anymore. I love thinking about it. It is actually so cute. Of course, now I know that he felt the same way and that makes a difference.

I remember the night of my birthday party, I was getting ready to turn 23. I put together this huge shindig on facebook, and invited so many people...but the only person I really cared about showing up was him. We all went out to dinner and he sat next to me, which I took to mean something of course. After dinner, we went dancing in St Louis. I kept trying to get his attention by shaking my body and wiggling all seductively. To my dismay, he walked outside with a group of people at one point and I didn't notice until I turned back around. Here I am, wiggling my tush hoping that this handsome young prince will be watching, and my only audience is some ugly drunken buffoon. Of course, I hopped off the table I was dancing on to go find my love interest... outside where it was nice and somewhat chilly dancing with the rest of the people I had invited to my birthday party. "It's too hot in there," he said. I did get to dance with him that night though... ironically, to the song "patience" by Guns N Roses.

The car ride home was worth all the embarrassment I had experienced that evening. We had all carpooled in about three different cars, and I was lucky enough to ride back in the same car Neil was riding in. I sat in the back seat with him. About half way through the ride, I held on to his hand and laid my head on his shoulder. To my pleasure, he wasn't weird-ed out by it. I actually came to find out that he liked it. a lot. :)

My first post

I'm starting a blog. I'm not quite sure who will read it...and even if no one reads it, maybe I will still gain something beneficial from having an outlet for all of my thoughts. Really, instead of writing a blog, I should be studying for my Biological Psychology Test, but I'm just not in the mood right now. I could come up with a million excuses, however, I know I'm just being lazy. It's true that I have a lot on my mind...and even though biopsych does intrigue me, it's not at the forefront today. I hope I get a 93% on my final which is Thursday, because that will mean I get an A in the class, but even if I don't get an A, a B is still pretty good for this difficult class that I'm taking in the summer. I would really like an A so that I stand out more on a graduate school application, but I feel like my personal statement will be what gets me in. I only have two more classes after this summer until graduation. I'm taking the GRE in two weeks... I haven't had much time to study for it because of my other summer class and my internship. I keep telling myself that I'll study for it once the semester is over on Friday, but we'll see. I don't know how much studying will help me to prepare for this exam, but I know it wouldn't hurt me to refresh some of my math skills. The practice test I took had a lot of geometry and algebraic questions... I thought I was done with all of that two years ago! But it's here again... I don't understand what algebra has to do with helping people, but I've learned in life that you have to jump through hoops to show that you're committed. I sometimes feel torn between pursuing an education and becoming a mother some day. I'm not quite sure what God wants me to do as far as furthering my education is concerned. I would really like to help others and counseling is the route I want to take...but if God has other plans for my life so be it. I will do my best and if I get accepted great, and if not I'll be content with that too. The more education I pursue, the longer I will have to wait to be a mom. And it doesn't seem to make sense to go to school for all of these years and then have a baby after you graduate... I wish God would give me some answers. I seem like I know what I want to do with my life... but honestly I am torn between two different ideas. Psychology is a demanding field and it requires so many sacrifices. I'm not sure how ready I really am to make those sacrifices...so I just keep moving forward hoping that I'll figure it out.