You know what I love about God? He's all about second chances. and third. and fourth. and fifth. and sixth... and eighty-seventh and eighty-eighth... and so forth. God allows you to start over. So I'm going to. At least, I'm going to try, and it will be hard, but I think I can do it... and so can Neil.
I learned something about myself within the whole curly-sue argument we had a couple days ago. And thank God for blogging, because I think typing out everything that had happened re-reading my prayer brought some enlightenment. If I want to be more Christ-like, I need to try my best to live according to His standards. And, for the past few years, I haven't been doing it in one area. God asks us to surrender ourselves fully to Him, and there's one area that I hold on to and refuse to allow Him to control-my sexual life.
I know to some, it might sound null and void at this point, but I don't think it is... and I don't think God looks at it that way, because God is all about forgiveness. Neil and I are getting married in 115 days, and until that night, we are abstaining from being sexually intimate with one another. We had actually tried this one other time and failed. We became disheartened and figured we're gonna do it anyway instead of trying to stick with it. But this time, we're putting some boundaries to our physical intimacy, and we're going to try not to compromise those. It is going to be extremely difficult because we're so used to being able to do that. But I feel like this experience will teach me patience, which I really need, and so does Neil. It will also teach me the meaning of a sacrifice, giving up a personal desire for the one who gave His life for me.
I feel like surrendering this part of my life which is going to be so hard to let go, will allow me to have a more intimate relationship with God. I tend to rationalize having sex with Neil because I know that we love eachother, we're already getting married and I feel like it doesn't really make a difference. But I don't think that's the point. Even if that is true, I know that if I wait to have sex with Neil until we're married, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God condones what we're doing. Right now, I just hope that God condones what we're doing, I hope that if we're not doing what's right that God will forgive us, but because of that seed of guilt, I'm finding it difficult to connect with God on a deeper level. I want to show God how much I love him, that I desire to connect with him more than I desire to fulfill my selfish nature. I do want to say, that I don't feel like every time Neil and I have been sexual, we have been doing it out of selfishness. In the times when we've had sex, it has been a very deep physical and spiritual experience, because I know that he IS going to be my husband. But I explained it to him this way:
If I become the type of woman who is fully devoted to God above all else, then I will be the type of woman that God wants Neil to have. Neil deserves a woman who is patient with him, self-controlled, not easily angered, and not self-serving. And I feel like right now, those are the flaws God is calling me to work on. I'm going to work on those things by experiencing God, and I can't experience Him when I feel like I'm refusing to surrender something that He's asking to control.
Neil understood, and actually I think I made him realize even more how much I love him. He agreed to try it this way. It's amazing what God can do.
I know if some people read this, they might be thinking that we can't do it, and they might even be betting against us. If you're one of those people, just don't say anything. We don't need negativity from people, we only need support. And just so you know, "I can do anything through Him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13 NIV
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