Pick your battles.

Verbal: 410, Quantitative: 530, Cumulative: 940. Not quite a 1000, but not too far from it. I actually fall right within the average. I could take it again, but I don't think I'm going to torture myself. It's done, and most schools look at other factors as well, so it's not like my admission is solely based on my GRE scores. I'm just glad it's over with.

I went to wal-mart today and bought a couple of oxford shirts for my new job... first day of training is tomorrow! I'm going to have to learn how to tie a necktie again lol. I actually forgot how to do it. I'm looking forward to training. My goal is to keep a positive attitude. I have a feeling that if I just maintain some confidence, but not be too confident, it will go just fine.

Last night was kind of a bad night. It really didn't have to be either, and I wasn't expecting it to go the way it did. Neil came home with daisies for me and they were so pretty! It really made me happy that he was thinking of me. But after dinner, he had to work on some schoolwork, which I totally understand. While he was working on it, I began to watch a movie that I remember when I was a little girl-curly sue. I knew Neil wouldn't voluntarily watch it with me so I chose to watch it while he was busy. But then he finished early and came out and sat with me for a bit and I was pleasantly surprised. Eventually, he got up and left the room. I thought he was in the bathroom but he never came back. I put two and two together and realized that he left the room because he didn't want to sit through a movie he deemed bad. I have to admit, it wasn't the most gripping movie I'd ever watched, I just wanted to reminisce a little bit. And when he came out there with me I thought that he would be willing to just be with me. He later told me that he left the room because he needed to refrain from making mean comments. To which I replied, "why couldn't you just sit in the room and refrain from making mean comments?" Apparently the movie was so terrible that it was impossible, in his mind, for him to keep his mouth shut.

You know, the stupid thing about this is that I wasn't really all that bothered that he left the room. However, in my head, I was thinking it just would have been nice if he could have stayed just to make me happy. I don't feel like it was a lot to ask...but then again, it's not like I asked him to stay. I just assumed he knew that I would want him to stay with me. So my confrontation of him leaving the room... I really didn't expect it to turn into the blowout that it did. Our discussion just escalated and escalated to the point where Neil got so frustrated at me he told me that I was being a bitch. I wasn't even trying to be a bitch! And in response to that I charged at him, pushed him out of the bedroom and slammed the door.. picked up my stuffed alligator (it's a big pillow/animal) and started hitting it up against the door. I was so angry with him I couldn't even contain myself. What on earth happened?

Before this all occurred, I did think to myself... "I don't really need to say anything about him leaving the room." But I guess I just wanted to start something. I didn't want it to turn into what it did, but I think I just wanted him to say sorry, but he really felt like he was justified in leaving. And he was... but it doesn't change the fact that sometimes, I just wish he'd be willing to sit through a movie he doesn't like just because it makes me happy-without making any rude statements the whole time like "This is so unbelievable" or "This is too predictable." I just want him to not care about those things temporarily just so that I can enjoy the film... but I still want him to be with me! I guess I'm asking too much.

Why must I even say things that don't matter? I guess I'm learning that age-old lesson that says "Pick your battles..." I feel like Neil and I don't do a good job of picking our battles. We both make everything a battle... everything is a bigger deal than it really is. Of course, I see all this in hindsight, but it's a lot more difficult to recognize in the moment. I seriously need a lot of prayer.

Father God,
Please change my heart and help me to learn to pick my battles. I realize that by praying for this, you're going to give me an opportunity to not make a big deal out of something, and I think I'm ready for it. God, I really need to be more patient with people in general. I feel like I can't fix this by myself, I really do need you to help me put myself together. I see all these characteristics about myself that are so messed up and it is overwhelming because I just wish I was perfect. I'm not perfect God, but I want to be better. Please teach me how to handle sticky situations without losing my temper. Teach me to enjoy my life, reveal to me how blessed I really am. I don't want to live a dysfunctional life, the life I grew up knowing, anymore. I crave to be a different person than the enemy would like me to be. It's so hard because sometimes my emotional reactions occur within a split second, and it's like I have no control over them... but God, I know you can help me regain that control. You can teach me how to do the right thing, and even if I mess up a little, I can always start again. Thanks for everything God. Thanks for loving me even when I feel unlovable. Amen